Thursday, October 20, 2016

benton



its funny i have waited b/c i seem to have been waiting for the profound meaning behind all of this and after nearly 9 months it hasn't come clear until now. If you want to read the births of my first two, here they are!  Jack and Makayla. But for today here is the story of how our  wee little man came to this world. what a dude. I love this kid.

perfect timing. he knows you better than you know yourself.


this has to be the most stressful end of my pregnancy, just waiting. WAITING for it all to happen. I didn't have peace, I was so anxious. Filled with constant worry, where were these kids going to be, was it going to be fast again, was my husband going to be there, would i be alone? will i have warning? would i be in a car?  Only certain days of availabilty for sitters, large gaps in on on call family or friends and a husband that works over an hour away and no hospital close by. i drove my husband nuts texting calling freaking out. False alarms, feeling anxious - not a good start for labour or a productive labour at that.   At 37 weeks the fear began knowing it was coming soon as it was when my first 2 were born. stress causes contractions, so painful practice labour consistently all the time causing luke to rush home from work nearly every day. After explaining the situation to a very understanding boss, she told him to just stay home until after the baby was born. some peace set in.  i would have days of contractions and nothing progressed. 37 weeks passed, 38, 39, i talked to my midwife, AHHH!! i was going crazy.  I couldn't believe it, how was i still pregnant!? I had never been on time, always early!! she said my body is actually going into labour but baby isn't low enough, (which she laughed and called 3rd baby syndrome) it  never fully engaged just stayed floating above my pelvis which my body would just not do what it needed to do b/c no baby head on my cervix to tell it to go.  This hard working body would get so tired after 24-36 hours of contractions and just stop..  until one evening...

39+6 weeks... tomorrow is my due date. I have given up being in control of when this baby is coming by now. I am just going to have to wait. during the day i have more contractions AGAIN, This has become old news, i live in a constant state of "labour' like I did with jack.  i was so used to this now but it being nothing but surely something would happen soon.  i felt gigantic (well. i was) i was not looking forward to labour this time, i couldn't let myself surrender to it all i just kept holding onto fear. i wimpered through contractions, i cried i felt defeated before i even started. the first 2 labours had been fairly easy - they were focused and intense but doable.  i had had 2 warrior births that i rocked naturally and this time I was just so tired. How could I do this? This day the kids were making me nuts and I was so tired by 4pm I was just done. I called my inlaws to take them i needed peace. I need to rest. this wasn't a the baby is coming!! call, i was just I'm tired.

they come and take them and i am miserable. lol  the kids were gone now. there is just quiet! thank goodness!!!  i honestly don't remember now what happened the rest of the night. (i really should have written this right away..) i just remember calling the midwife with random contractions in the evening they were so hard today but nothing consistent. all over the place 5 min, 20 min 10 min, 30 min but SO HARD. she told me to take a bath, she didn't think this was it, it would likely be in the next few days but not now. she thought it was just early labour, not active yet. I took a bath, time went on and nothing stopped or regulated just kept being weird and hard. i didn't feel good about it. I called her again, she wasn't coming out my way and looked at all the factors timing etc and decided i'm going to the hospital something isn't right. the hospital was 30 + minutes away, i felt like id rather be there early than have a baby in a car. makayla came out of nowhere in under an hour, i didn't feel good about risking it.

when you're pregnant don't second guess your instinct. your instinct that something is wrong, the instinct that you think you might need to push or in my case, get to a hospital! and some advice, be prepared. check out where you are going, the route(ours was under construction), what entrances  are actually open in the middle of the night etc, etc. we found ourselves in the middle of the night at the back of the hospital where parking was, for every entrance to be locked, the elevators shut down, climbing flights of stairs, and hills (thanks guelph hospital built on a hill) and running in circles for over an hour with random contractions taking me to the ground just trying to find my way to labour and delivery.

Back to my story.. i signed into the hospital at 1am, and finally found my way up to labour and delivery again due to said restrictions and compilations at the hospital and after talking and settling in and all the rest by1:45ish the midwife checked me, and sure enough she said 'i'm sorry i didn't think you were in active labour you're 3 cm. i think its soon its just not yet.' UGGG NOT YET!!??? She tried to stretch and sweep but just said baby will come just try to got home and rest. I said I wasn't going home with contractions like these these are worse than both my other 2 labours something isn't right. so at about 10 after 2am  I went for a walk around the hospital. 3 cm how could i only be 3 cm!! what was happening here!!

I was in a terrible state to have a baby, I was frustrated, I was bugged by the pain of the contractions, I hated that I kept finding places that smelled like cigarettes  (in the hospital!?? really!!??)   i find myself fighting every contraction, keeping a calm exterior but feeling beat inside. Frustrated feeling This was not like my first labours at all!  i couldn't surrender, I felt defeated and i continued to let fear take hold of me. Until finally I chose.  i had to I had to let go. I felt a contraction coming and told myself to suck it up because We are getting through this. I squatted right into that next contraction and boom my Water broke, baby came down and contractions didn't stop. they took me by surprise to my hands and  knees on  the hospital hallway floor. they came fast and hard, one after another without a break just constant its like i jumped right into transition without any real labour. i tried to walk but every step i just had to go to the wall or the floor they just took me off my feet. holy crap this baby was coming. before i knew it a wheelchair hearing 'her baby's come fast, get her out of the hallway, this baby can't be born here' and suddenly wheeling me down the hall fast to enter a room.  my husband sets up my ipod, i love music while worship while i'm labouring. and how funny very time, God syncs the most significant songs and speaks right to my heart in them every time..  God knows. the worship music playing 'i'm no longer a slave to fear, i am a child of God' what truth. I won't be slave to fear. i finally completely gave in to labour. stopped fighting and zoned in and everything became a blur yet strangely focused and I let go, let fgo of fear, let go of pain, let go of anxiety.   I just worshiped leaning over the side of the bed, got lost in it and just breathed.  the pain was gone. i was at peace, i breathed out every contraction, blowing out the pain each one and it felt good.

I was in transition and i knew it. baby was almost here. She had to check me to see where i was, such a short period of time had gone by but i knew it was time. my contractions had changed and i needed to push. she checked, baby still hadn't come down but i was a stretchy 7-10 cm so she just said push. i followed her pushing instruction b/c he came so fast, literally no waiting just a few pushes and one very clear one - it has happened with every birth, suddenly you know, like this natural instinct comes over you with super strength and energy knowing this push is the push, i looked up at my mom and with such clarity said 'hes coming' and was i right.  2:32am he literally came flying out of there, so fast with all the water that came, that the midwife said it was like a slip and slide (lol) and almost didn't catch him. There was something prophetic about how he came, though my water broke, there was water above and below him, that hes is such a carrier or gods presence just surrounded that he will come unexpectedly and fast and flow and move with God's presence wherever he goes.

He was born to the bethel song 'you don't miss a thing'

after an overwhelming season, tiresome pregnancy, so much fear and anxiety leading to this moment. there could not be a better song to be playing at this exact moment, and in a crowd of ten thousand. you don't miss a thing..  gosh this resonates with me. as many of you might know. Benton was a massive surprise for us. but what an amazing thing for God  to speak deep into my heart, i don't miss anything. I know you better than you know yourself. This is the family I planned, and this little warrior is gonna take it by storm. Benton teaches me about being fearless. About when you are afraid to let go even in the most difficult things in life. trust God. When you do, he is there to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding and it becomes easy.

He came in joy as i held him for the first time and began laughing feeling his little package in my hand under his bum. "I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!" (we didn't know the gender- but i sure did right away! lol) And he has been  a joy bomb every day since. My goodness our little grace baby so sweet and full of life and joy. He is perfect for us in every way.

Our little Benton Huxley Sinnott

His name is so different but so many combinations of names and things we loved and talked about and prophetic calling and who He is.

The image I saw when I was pregnant with him was a humming bird. I didn't understand this image until I looked up what a hummingbird symbolized. 'Appearing out of no where, bringer of Joy.  It shines iridescent as it pauses to drink the nectar of the flower that provides for it. The hummingbird symbolizes all things good. It symbolizes courage, determination, flexibility and adaptability. Though it is small it has the courage of a lion. It is a totem of fearlessness and represents lightness of being. '
How BEAUTIFUL!

Now here we are, it took me ages to get things clear on what God was saying about all of this and my goodness, so many amazing words and clarity and parallels but he is 17 months old now and today is the perfect tday to finish this. My little b. I love you.



Monday, August 8, 2016

He Is faithful

it was one of those mornings, following a vacation, a little tired a little slow. You had a rough sleep the night before, you just really need sleep. but your brain has a tough time falling asleep past 1:30 am you are telling yourself just go to sleep!!! it then wakes up bright and early at 5:30 am while all 3 of your kids sleep till 8:15 wwhhhaaaaa. not fair I want to sleep!  I head downstairs and open my bible. it opens to Jeremiah. And as I read the recap of his story of who he was, he faced so much crap in his life, yet came out of it in grace. It posed the question, No matter what life throws your way do you hide and run from God? or do you come even closer to His heart and know who He really is? I thought of my husband immediately and the cancer we learned he had at the beginning of the year. It was so scary. It wasn't life threatening, he had a large patch of skin cancer on his back that he had surgery to have removed. it was right into the muscle, he could hardly move his arm as he rcovered for 6 weeks. In the spectrum of cancers as the drs would put it is the best cancer to get and easiest to deal with. But it shook us. Cancer. How could this invade our home? our family? my husband? we went through all the feels, all the fear but one thing remained strong, through all the upset, God is good. all the time.

Maybe its our age (ahem 33) or our social media outlets but it feels like everyday there is something I am hearing about another trial a friend is facing. Loss of jobs, major sickness, cancer, life threatening cancer, mysterious sickness, life changing situations, marriages falling apart, miscarriages, fertility problems, problems with their kids, so many life changing problems. My heart is broken for the broken, the lost, the sick, the poor, it kills me to see the heartache and try to make a point to pour in light to when i see it. Through amazing enough with all the sadness and heartbreak, I see so many overcomers, so many stories of hope, grace, where light shines brightly and they are victorious. These stories of Jeremiah's, conquerors. through the crap, they come out in grace, stronger than they ever thought! Dreams fulfilled, Cancers is beat, infertility healed, sickness gone, disabilities filled with joy, jobs coming and supernatural provision.   After reading about Jeremiah this morning I must say i felt like 'oh NOW what is going to happen??!!!' but the longer I sit with it, I don't think it was saying something bad is going to happen. I opened my fb to see another friend about to start a journey to conquer. And through this difficult time they will be conquers. That God is with them and will show his grace and love more than they have ever experienced.  So instead of warning I felt it was encouragement. Any hard stuff you are facing right now. You are victorious. God is faithful and gracious. Come out in grace, in hope and full of life.

Monday, February 9, 2015

One of those days.

Today is one of those days, those morning that have left you feeling beat at 9:20 am.  The kind that after a rough nights sleep (and the past month or 2 of barely sleeping at all),  wakes you up with "Mommmyyyyyy IIIIIIII POOOOOOOO" Coming from your potty-trained 2 year old's room. You stumble out of bed knowing that just-in-case pull up is about to be torn off and flung like a vengeance across the room. You open the door to emerge to foul stench filling your nasal cavities. Nothing like hot ass in the morning. You try not to be irritated, you try to be patient but she has already removed said pull up and is wandering around with sticky peanut butter poo all over her bum as she wants to try to help find wipes to clean up. All you can do is look at all the pretty clean pink around her room and think without freaking out OMG DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!! You quietly wrangle her up and try to keep your shit together, put on your calm, patient mommy face and clean up the mess but inside your kind of stirring. I hate waking up to poo. you tell yourself don't be irritated, she didn't do anything, Don't let this start your morning.

You quietly clean up and get your adorably sweet, but loud 2 year old past her 5 year old brothers room without waking him b/c he is much like my without enough sleep... an absolute bear. You get down stairs throw an eggo in the toaster, go to pour a coffee, maybe just MAYBE you will get to sit down and drink it quietly before mr 5 year old wakes up. You walk to the fridge to get cream for your coffee but, NO CREAM. uggghhhh milk sludge coffee it is. grosse. its almost not even worth drinking. but you need it. your body craves it and hopes it will bring life to your exhausted mind and sore 6 month pregnant body.

And there it is, its too late, the adorable high pitched talking of your 2 year old has caused the waking of the bear. She says GOOD MORNING! all chipper and cute to him but he grumps down the stairs to the couch. You try to intervene with your welcoming arms hoping to help him change his grump. As grumpy as he can be he is still a cuddly bear. I try to get him out of his mood while trying to get out of my own.  The morning carries on slowly  in a series of random unorganized events. i am trying to get in a good schedule but it is really hard for me especially when you yourself are not a morning person.. we slowly eat our breakfast which the 1 year old dog not only once or twice but three times scarfs kids breakfasts when they glance or walk a way for a minute. BAD DOG. It seems on the days where I am irritated the most the Dog needs to add to it and be a complete jerk so that I can blow my top and throw him out. After a fight about pants We slowly get our clothes on, but are successfully out the door by 8:45am (unheard of! Feeling a tad of success and improvement I later realize I forgot to ask if anyone was still hungry OOPS, never brushed our teeth or washed faces NICE MOM) to be welcomed by our ice covered van. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh I mean thick ice. I put the kids in and start. It takes every ounce of exhausted energy i have to try to even break through this ice. i'm cold. I'm 6 mos pregnant. My body aches and its hard to stand in the icy snow (my hips are a mess this time round) 15 minutes later I am now late for school with 1/2 my car scraped. I give up. I can hear yelling coming from inside the van and I feel defeated. I don't want to loose it. It takes everything I have to not freak out for no reason but kids aren't dumb, they know I'm tense. I just want to get back home. Get out of these uncomfortable pants and back in my jammies. All of this for 30 seconds of driving up the street to drop off my 5 year old at school. I get in the car and start driving with my one side of the van scraped the other with dinner plate size ice clearing on each window, just enough to see out a little bit. uggghhh.  pathetic. I think I will be judged by bitchy school moms or neighbours that have too much of an opinion. but I'm exhausted and I'm fairly certain if anyone said anything i might just tell them where they can stick it. I look forward to when its warm again. When we can have our enjoyable sunny morning walk and start the day right. I look forward to not hurting, not being irritated, not peeing every 5 seconds, feeling like a baby is going to fall out of your chooch. my body hates being pregnant. HA!

So here I am. I went to find my make up to just try to feel a bit more human but it was frozen in the car. After some defrosting, I put on mascara and sprayed some perfume. Lets get out of this, lets get some modivation to start the day. I look around the house, every thing is chaos. The mountain of dishes and laundry is overwhelming me. Every inch of the house is a mess. 

I really do, to be the best mommy I can be, but I am just so tired.

As I'm writing this i'm beginning to wake up, feel a little better. My 2 year old is starting her routine of changing 1 million time into everything she owns, and sits in front of me behind the computer just out of site with a pump bottle of cream that she has covered herself in. Oh Jesus Help me.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

simplify.. day 3



a world without facebook... I must admit even a few days ago the thought struck a touch of panic. lol i know that sounds funny but really, for this stay at home mama it is  nearly her only connection to the world outside my littles. All my friends work, I don't have a cell, so no texting, I am alone..  I've held onto this for sometime. It my only connection to my friends...

When did social media change this idea of friendship.  Facebook has created this false sense of closeness and communication. Somehow replacing real relationships placing in the mindset that in depth conversation and one on one in person interaction, looking someone in the face for some reason no longer required. Is this what you want? Is that what I want? Surface relationships with people I kind of know or knew at one point in my life? My actual friends I have hardly any interaction with on facebook at all.  As I scroll through the board, posts of people I hardly know, and honestly don't really care what they have written, are complaining or boasting about, random singing or  the next greatest talent' or photos that i have no connection to anyway. On top posts can cause you to feel terrible, unsuccessful, a failure, untalented, overall unhappy with yourself b/c life is much easier or better for others. So what am I looking for? Approval, connection, community? This fear of What if I'm missing something had haunted me. Or if I get rid of it, I will have connection to the outside world!!! and I will be even more alone. but This isn't friendship. This isn't closeness. Its a false sense of connection.  Do I really need to be scrolling through randomness that I don't care about missing out on the sweet little faces right in front of me?

Coming to this thought a few days ago when I began writing this blog it hit me hard,  I'm alone.  as it started to really sink in  the phone rang. one of my dearest friends that lives so far from me called to just see how i am and tell me they were thinking about me and love me. Its what sent me over and a pent of wave of emotions fled out (darn preggo hormones I cry at everything!) but they were emotions and real feeling that needed to come out, loneliness is a real thing and I have been feeling it for a long time that I began to crowd by days with being busy, letting myself think that motherhood is too hard and so kept myself occupied with other things to check out its reality it turn "sabotaging my own ability to love and live life" i quote because i couldn't find it better said that in a blog i discovered this week. http://www.handsfreemama.com/ its amazing and inspiring and I am right on track with what she is saying what she is  and it writing as helped me get to a place of revelation that I have been hiding from for a long time. SIMPLIFY. unplug from technology and free up your life (a whooole other blog to come on identity after motherhood) so you can enjoy it and love it. And i am not alone. i have an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends and amazing kids that love me very much and social media isn't it. 

I sat watching my 2 year old daughter eat french fries in the food court this week while christmas shopping (yes no judging we were out for a treat). I sat with her as she ate and just drank her in. watched the way she carefully chose a fresh cut fry and oh so daintily dipped it in her gravy (yes we love fries and gravy takes after here mama. ) the her little fingers held it, hey way her long eyelashes fell on her cheeks as she looked down, her carefully lift, not to drip but then the sweet grin when she tasted them. it was so sweet. like the whole foodcourt was on mute, i could just stopped the busy and watch her, her savour. I didn't care if it took all afternoon, i would sit here and watch her sweetly enjoy each one. it made me smile. it made her smile. engraved in my mind i remember thinking i want to remember more like this. i need to slow down and see my kids see into them, pay attention and enjoy them every day. i don't want to miss it.

what broke my gaze was a mom huffing and puffing beside me trying to her her son who was not fighting or grumpy into a high chair. I looked around and everywhere i looked, parent after parent with their faces in cell phones, kids looking at them with hope for communication and some just staring off into space like they'd given up trying. The lady beside me who had just been putting her son in the chair lady, without taking her eyes up from the screen, plopped food down in front of her 18 mos (or so) son, while she sat  engrossed in her cellphone. Not once did she look up, acknowledge him, talk to him but 2 x hold up a fry in his face as he looked up at her for some kind of communication. Some time later she looked down seen that he had eaten only a few bites, yelled at him and took away his food 'that's it! you're done!' and picked him up angrily lecturing him for not eating. It broke me. I don't have a cell (yes i am probably the only one on the planet but I don't want one) I have been her. I have been so engulfed in other things that I didn't take notice, i have gotten frustrated of soo many kid things like being silly or playing too loudly. I have been so preoccupied with my own stuff and I have missed it.  It made me think of this past lunch hour and reinforce how much I didn't want to miss it anymore. I don't want to be all those parents on cell phones. I didn't want to feel irritated at home b/c i was busy trying to send off an email or some other mundane task i thought was more important. Everytime "just a minute" becomes 30 or everytime i choose to look at a screen  to look at one more thing or allow myself to zone our, instead of be present with them tells them, 'you are not important enough' or that they are being and inconvenience. omg. my heart. What kind of generation are we raising?

Your kids aren't a disruption of your life, they are your life.

We have let so many thing cloud our lives that we allow our kids to become accessories and if you don't bother or disrupt me than we won't have any trouble. Wake up. WAKE UP. We are raising people. You are shaping someone here. They are gifts that God has given us, trusted us with to pour into, teach, help grow into amazing people that will impact the rest of history. (hands free mama) amazing!!!! that will impact history!!

I originally joined facebook about 10 years ago in university, it was a way to know when parties were happening and where. I barely used my computer, unless I was writing papers. Never did I expect it to grow into the addictive monster it has become. And not just facebook, my computer, my laptop, or ipod. All time stealers.  They have sucked me in and caused me to miss out on so many dear moments in life. It has caused me to be irritated for no reason. It has caused me to loose touch, miss out on my kids, get depressed, loose my sense of self or connection with myself and God. I've allowed it to steal from me. 

Its been 3 days of minimal use of any technology and cutting out the busy' if so only during nap time. I am happier. My kids are noticeably happier, I am not irritated, I have more patience, they aren't fighting together and when they do I have the patience to diffuse the bomb and help them work it out. There are less meltdowns in the house (on both child and parent end lol), we are communicating more, snuggling more, we are closer. My husband and I are talking more and working together through how to help them manage emotions and seeing what it working and what isn't.  The house is cleaner, dinner is made, I don't feel as stressed or anxious. I don't feel overwhelmed and drowning. I feel satisfied. I feel hope.  How can so much change in just a few days?

I'm looking forward to this change and this journey.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

simplify

Simplify. cutting out the busy and just simplifying life. My husband said it recently "I wish life was just simpler sometimes". It stuck with me. I wish life was simpler and easier too. I was finding myself frustrated with everything lately and hardly enjoying any days. The house is a mess, the kids are fighting, my husband works a million hours, money is tight, trying to balance home life with how to also run a little photography and art business, stay ahead of the game, fulfill myself, my marriage and my home family life. Everything kind of came to a head at the same time where 100 problems suddenly abrupt and I start to really look at them sit and think, I need to fix this!! Work things out and look at them logically, why are my kids acting this way, why am I? I am desperate and something has got to change!!  And its like it so simply makes sense with one word. SIMPLIFY. Simplify life. Remove the distractions. Rest. Be with your family. Not just present but remove the business of life and just enjoy them, and TRUST ME with the rest.

God has talked to me so much about letting go of next year. Stop pushing for work just stop. Rest, reconnect with God, myself, my husband and my kids. Stop trying to perform and fix life. Resting on myself to fix problems instead of trusting him is just not the way to go. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'. I'm not a bible quoter but really i find this to be true right now. Seek Him. Rediscover 'him and me alone' where it is is free and nothing else matters. Knowing and living loved. I've been playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' when things go right or wrong. I've been grabbing trying to provide for ourselves with most efforts gone to shit. I've lost my trust. And in the meantime been clouded by so many things that waste my time, steal my joy and cause anxiety. Simplify.

Earlier in the year I sat on my ipod, it has a giant crack down the middle. I was disappointed at first but I felt God show me almost right away, he wants to break the devices that distract us from what really matters. For me my ipod (i don't have a cell phone) was a problem. It was clouding me from seeing what mattered - my family. It sucked my time and energy and kept me distracted from connecting. I hate to see people out with their kids with a cell phone in their face ignoring their kids or the people they are with, but I was doing it at home. With a laptop or an ipod, with an art project, painting or editing, with cleaning the house or a phone call. I was missing out and I was showing them that everything else I was doing was more important than them. I came to this realization 6 months ago. you know i'm still doing it. I'm still fighting it. This week I have had a major wake up call to this problem of busy-ness and distractions And I'm being called to simplify and the first step is to remove distractions.  I am tired and worn and with another baby on the way I need to get life back in its right priorities. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The end of an era: School Days

                                                                                                                                                      michael steingard photography




I find myself after 2 years of not touching this blog I just have to write. Some way this thing helps clear my mind and thoughts and help me see clearer.


This evening I find the more I come to realization things are about to change the more hot tears fall from my burning eyes. My son is going off to Jr Kindergarden this week. I know it sounds silly but my feelings of loss and sadness are real. Its like he's going away and its not for a short time or a few days or a special event, it is every day... its forever. Its the end of an era. Its the end of spending everyday with this wonderful little person that I love with all of my heart and is my entire world. Who since he was born I have spent every day with. This is the end of silly days of laughing and tickle wars, pajama days, endless book reading, Sparkling eyes and smiles I could stare at and never tire of. The end of building of endless hot wheel tracks that extendend down the stairs and out the front door, forts and couch jumping competitions. Going outside in the rain and jumping puddles or just feeling it fall softly on our skin. The end of exploration walks and discovering new things everyday together. The end of crafts and painting together, silly songs and making breakfast and lunch together. Its the end of spending every day with my little boy. And yes i know, i still get to see him ever late afternoon and evening and on the weekends, but its not the same... its not the same at all.  in my place will be another woman I don't know spending more time with him than I will getting to have all of his laughter and smiles. Watching him grow and learn. I am sad.  All the things I will be missing.  I wish I hit record to all of the moments, smile and even the tantrums. So I will never forget them.  It has suddenly made me see and hear all of the "it goes by fast, enjoy every moment" s' I have ever heard. It has made me regret every selfish moment of wanting time alone or frustration I have had over not knowing what to do or being unable to handle a situation as good as I could have. I instantly have more grace, more compassion and even more love for both my kids. I am savouring. I am remembering and knowing that these little years do go by fast, so love them and enjoy them though difficult, take a minute to savour them. Take them in.  Engrave them in your minds and in your hearts because they will never be this little again. See into your children because they notice when you are not present, and when something else is more important than they are. See into who they are, mold them, shape them, invest in them and use every moment.. They are a gift entrusted to you to pour into and love and give and shape and teach.  Nothing else is more important.

So this week we step into a new season, a new change. School days. This is going to be a big adjustment for us both but I step into this season really appreciating, and learning to walk in loving the little years, walking in more grace and patience and choosing to no longer waste any minutes and fully taking in all the ones I do have.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

wowza a year??

It has been over a year. dang a year. i realized this this week that I had completely dropped the ball on the blog not even realizing it had been an ENTIRE YEAR. where did this year GO? I always wondered why when mama's have more than one baby suddenly the blog dissapears~!?? oh wait. its b/c you actually have zero time to yourself. There is always someone there, awake, needing something, asking something, wanting to be held, played with, cared for, kiss their booboo's, hold them, rock the, feed them, teach them new things, explore with them, find their shirt, help them put their socks on, wipe their bum, change their diaper, put them to sleep, i could go a long time, the list goes on and on. I need me time. I would not trade them for ANYTHING. but I need me time. so I HOPE** to reconnect with this blog b/c it gives me some rest, some peace of mind, some sorting of my thoughts and feelings, things become clearer and more importantly its just me, my brain, my heart and my keyboard. I feel better when I get a little bit of silence. When my brain is active and not in automatic. When I can just process what I am feeling. When my heart feels sad, it can just pour out and I stop feeling a mess. or when I am trying to understand what God is doing I find clarity, or excited about what God is doing, I put into words how grateful and overjoyed I am. I love writing a blog, and journal of my thoughts and feelings and place where I can just have time for me. So here I am, hoping to spend more time with myself and my heart. It has been an incredible year. My kids are amazing, I love them to pieces! This has been an incredible year of blessing and increase and surprise, I am so looking forward to sharing and processing how DEEP he has been taking us.