I expected to feel dissapointed. no matter ho much i prayed i expected to be let down. for them not to be heard to have turned a blind eye to. not less than 3 weeks ago we walked into an apointment strong and confident, expecting to hear its nothing, there is no cancer. But we were wrong. In total shock.
disappointment.
let down.
why? what?
but.. we felt so much peace.
-enter lies and the game of he loves me, he loves me not-
as I got in the car to leave for jacks appointment I felt defeated already.
whats the point?
its going to come back more problems, there is always more problems.
we are never going to see then end of this.
i watched my sons face drop at his last appointment with the words more surgery floating in the air. more. i prayed and prayed and prayed but i have prayed so much that when is it heard? why does this little boy have to go through all of this? i got into the car and recognizing these feelings instead of holding them in I changed the recipe and took off the armor and vulnerably sent out an sos.
i feel hopeless in this situation.
as i drove i began to pray in the car. god i feel hopeless in this. that it will never stop. that even though he seems ok, and not sick and hearing well, they will tell me there are more problems. that he will need another surgery, that you will not heal him. that it will never be the end. please, prove me wrong.
i am realizing all of the area i have been feeling hopeless. makaylas battle with her skin, benton getting hurt all the time, luke and cancer, jack and his ears. Will we never see the end? crying out with no response.
Do you believe that God is good all the time?
last night, calling out the boldness, speaking in truth and demolishing lies. what is the lie?
god will disappoint me.
this stops me from really diving into him. stops me from trusting, believing. what an amazing strategy to keep me from him. it makes me afraid. it causes me to stop, to be cautious, to hold me back. it stops me from taking his hand in the wheat fields and running together.
the truth is you are good. you are good you are good you are good.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
i have clear memories of painting with joy at an easle at the harbourfront center. My mother used ro bring me there as a child. Id stand at the easle and be free my 3 or 4 year old self happy as happy can be.
Last week i posted on IG a quote that said "the worst enemy of creativity is self doubt" I put it out there because thats how I was feeling that day. That's how I can feel many days, in fact I've struggled with it most of my life. Not adding up, not being enough, not making the cut. I have most recently in a maturity of some of my creativity finding myself absolutely brutal with myself. In my success beating myself up for the tiniest of faults. It has led to hard work and great successes but negatively a perfection that I cant live up to myself. When I had my first baby I realized how I could not live up to this at all not anymore and had to begin letting go. I couldnt balance all the balls and one by one watched them topple and fall to the ground. I began to let go of perfectionism and the house and the laundry and dirty dishes. I did what I could to survive and though ok for a while, not enough has crept its way back in and reminded me every day for years that I am not doing it all very well. That I mess up, that I'm letting people down, that others can balance work and life and kids with ease but you are a failure. You are not enough. You cant do it. You are a mess.
This leads to a really viscuous cycle. balancing all the balls, letting them crash, trying, doing your best but not meeting your own expectations, falling into depression, or anger, taking it out on the people you love, beating yourself up for messing it up, and not being able to take any critisism thrown your way.
Last night the balls fell. over something so small as the kids fighting to eat dinner. It was a mess. I was a mess. but words spoken out caused me to be more than angry and just start to devour everything in site. monster. when i realized what i was doing to stopped and looked back. how can this be happening. to try your best and detroy your efforts. i am reminded of hearing words out of an orphan heart or out of a healed heart. What was being shown to me wasn't wrong, but how come I couldnt hear it. I heard it this time. something needed to change. Within the next 30 minutes 2 people emailed me one that was a similar situation with a friend and her spouse but the other side of it, i needed to read this, to see the effects my actions had on people. words arent just words. i feel like i grew up not seeing the impact of them. that it was ok to fly off the handle and never apologize, that the words meant nothing when the emotions drove the bus.
Many things have been adding up to come to a head, many areas of my life coming to a peak of moving forward crossing the lines of vulnerability and fear of the the unknown.
Last week i posted on IG a quote that said "the worst enemy of creativity is self doubt" I put it out there because thats how I was feeling that day. That's how I can feel many days, in fact I've struggled with it most of my life. Not adding up, not being enough, not making the cut. I have most recently in a maturity of some of my creativity finding myself absolutely brutal with myself. In my success beating myself up for the tiniest of faults. It has led to hard work and great successes but negatively a perfection that I cant live up to myself. When I had my first baby I realized how I could not live up to this at all not anymore and had to begin letting go. I couldnt balance all the balls and one by one watched them topple and fall to the ground. I began to let go of perfectionism and the house and the laundry and dirty dishes. I did what I could to survive and though ok for a while, not enough has crept its way back in and reminded me every day for years that I am not doing it all very well. That I mess up, that I'm letting people down, that others can balance work and life and kids with ease but you are a failure. You are not enough. You cant do it. You are a mess.
This leads to a really viscuous cycle. balancing all the balls, letting them crash, trying, doing your best but not meeting your own expectations, falling into depression, or anger, taking it out on the people you love, beating yourself up for messing it up, and not being able to take any critisism thrown your way.
Last night the balls fell. over something so small as the kids fighting to eat dinner. It was a mess. I was a mess. but words spoken out caused me to be more than angry and just start to devour everything in site. monster. when i realized what i was doing to stopped and looked back. how can this be happening. to try your best and detroy your efforts. i am reminded of hearing words out of an orphan heart or out of a healed heart. What was being shown to me wasn't wrong, but how come I couldnt hear it. I heard it this time. something needed to change. Within the next 30 minutes 2 people emailed me one that was a similar situation with a friend and her spouse but the other side of it, i needed to read this, to see the effects my actions had on people. words arent just words. i feel like i grew up not seeing the impact of them. that it was ok to fly off the handle and never apologize, that the words meant nothing when the emotions drove the bus.
Many things have been adding up to come to a head, many areas of my life coming to a peak of moving forward crossing the lines of vulnerability and fear of the the unknown.
bring fire to the rain
you bring calm to the storm.
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe.
and i love you god.
as i sing this song i see a picture of myself singing on my knees, arm stretched out the wind blowing as the wheat dances around me so gently as i sing my heart out to the Lord.
Calm the storm.
driving in the car today i began to think about all that is happening in the world, Hurricane Irma taking out entire countries leaving nothing but destruction in its path. I began to pray. pray for the people and then heard on the radio bring fire to the rain and I saw a picture of God with his hand help out signalling stop. it created a force field like dome holding the storm and chaos away from people. among the destruction ministering angels arms wrapped around surrounded people in the aftermath but they were being held praying peace in the midst of destruction.
- you bring calm to the storm. -
i began to pray that this picture is and will be reality that this is what god was doing. I saw him holding the storm away, holding barriers of the water and wind to no longer cause destruction there and pushing it away.
- you bring calm to the storm -
...
today we found out that luke has skin cancer again. in 3 weeks a plastic surgeon will cut out this poisonous life stealer out his precious face. we didn't expect it this time. we expected to hear this spot is nothing. we had peace.
cancer.
no matter how light or serious, it shakes you up. like a giant hurricane ripping through your house, your life, your home. it feels like a theif, it feels invasive, like a pit in your stomach, like you cant quite catch your breath, my heart speeds up when i think about it entering my family again. feelings on shock and fear and destruction left in its path.
im pressing into the words you bring life to me. your the air that i breathe.
holy spirit come. bring calm to the storm of all these mixed up emotions that we are feeling right now. bring us peace.
you can find me in the wheat fields singing songs of hope.
you bring calm to the storm
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe,
and i love you god.
bring fire to this rain Lord.
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe.
and i love you god.
as i sing this song i see a picture of myself singing on my knees, arm stretched out the wind blowing as the wheat dances around me so gently as i sing my heart out to the Lord.
Calm the storm.
driving in the car today i began to think about all that is happening in the world, Hurricane Irma taking out entire countries leaving nothing but destruction in its path. I began to pray. pray for the people and then heard on the radio bring fire to the rain and I saw a picture of God with his hand help out signalling stop. it created a force field like dome holding the storm and chaos away from people. among the destruction ministering angels arms wrapped around surrounded people in the aftermath but they were being held praying peace in the midst of destruction.
- you bring calm to the storm. -
i began to pray that this picture is and will be reality that this is what god was doing. I saw him holding the storm away, holding barriers of the water and wind to no longer cause destruction there and pushing it away.
- you bring calm to the storm -
...
today we found out that luke has skin cancer again. in 3 weeks a plastic surgeon will cut out this poisonous life stealer out his precious face. we didn't expect it this time. we expected to hear this spot is nothing. we had peace.
cancer.
no matter how light or serious, it shakes you up. like a giant hurricane ripping through your house, your life, your home. it feels like a theif, it feels invasive, like a pit in your stomach, like you cant quite catch your breath, my heart speeds up when i think about it entering my family again. feelings on shock and fear and destruction left in its path.
im pressing into the words you bring life to me. your the air that i breathe.
holy spirit come. bring calm to the storm of all these mixed up emotions that we are feeling right now. bring us peace.
you can find me in the wheat fields singing songs of hope.
you bring calm to the storm
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe,
and i love you god.
bring fire to this rain Lord.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
benton
its funny i have waited b/c i seem to have been waiting for the profound meaning behind all of this and after nearly 9 months it hasn't come clear until now. If you want to read the births of my first two, here they are! Jack and Makayla. But for today here is the story of how our wee little man came to this world. what a dude. I love this kid.
perfect timing. he knows you better than you know yourself.
this has to be the most stressful end of my pregnancy, just waiting. WAITING for it all to happen. I didn't have peace, I was so anxious. Filled with constant worry, where were these kids going to be, was it going to be fast again, was my husband going to be there, would i be alone? will i have warning? would i be in a car? Only certain days of availabilty for sitters, large gaps in on on call family or friends and a husband that works over an hour away and no hospital close by. i drove my husband nuts texting calling freaking out. False alarms, feeling anxious - not a good start for labour or a productive labour at that. At 37 weeks the fear began knowing it was coming soon as it was when my first 2 were born. stress causes contractions, so painful practice labour consistently all the time causing luke to rush home from work nearly every day. After explaining the situation to a very understanding boss, she told him to just stay home until after the baby was born. some peace set in. i would have days of contractions and nothing progressed. 37 weeks passed, 38, 39, i talked to my midwife, AHHH!! i was going crazy. I couldn't believe it, how was i still pregnant!? I had never been on time, always early!! she said my body is actually going into labour but baby isn't low enough, (which she laughed and called 3rd baby syndrome) it never fully engaged just stayed floating above my pelvis which my body would just not do what it needed to do b/c no baby head on my cervix to tell it to go. This hard working body would get so tired after 24-36 hours of contractions and just stop.. until one evening...
39+6 weeks... tomorrow is my due date. I have given up being in control of when this baby is coming by now. I am just going to have to wait. during the day i have more contractions AGAIN, This has become old news, i live in a constant state of "labour' like I did with jack. i was so used to this now but it being nothing but surely something would happen soon. i felt gigantic (well. i was) i was not looking forward to labour this time, i couldn't let myself surrender to it all i just kept holding onto fear. i wimpered through contractions, i cried i felt defeated before i even started. the first 2 labours had been fairly easy - they were focused and intense but doable. i had had 2 warrior births that i rocked naturally and this time I was just so tired. How could I do this? This day the kids were making me nuts and I was so tired by 4pm I was just done. I called my inlaws to take them i needed peace. I need to rest. this wasn't a the baby is coming!! call, i was just I'm tired.
they come and take them and i am miserable. lol the kids were gone now. there is just quiet! thank goodness!!! i honestly don't remember now what happened the rest of the night. (i really should have written this right away..) i just remember calling the midwife with random contractions in the evening they were so hard today but nothing consistent. all over the place 5 min, 20 min 10 min, 30 min but SO HARD. she told me to take a bath, she didn't think this was it, it would likely be in the next few days but not now. she thought it was just early labour, not active yet. I took a bath, time went on and nothing stopped or regulated just kept being weird and hard. i didn't feel good about it. I called her again, she wasn't coming out my way and looked at all the factors timing etc and decided i'm going to the hospital something isn't right. the hospital was 30 + minutes away, i felt like id rather be there early than have a baby in a car. makayla came out of nowhere in under an hour, i didn't feel good about risking it.
when you're pregnant don't second guess your instinct. your instinct that something is wrong, the instinct that you think you might need to push or in my case, get to a hospital! and some advice, be prepared. check out where you are going, the route(ours was under construction), what entrances are actually open in the middle of the night etc, etc. we found ourselves in the middle of the night at the back of the hospital where parking was, for every entrance to be locked, the elevators shut down, climbing flights of stairs, and hills (thanks guelph hospital built on a hill) and running in circles for over an hour with random contractions taking me to the ground just trying to find my way to labour and delivery.
Back to my story.. i signed into the hospital at 1am, and finally found my way up to labour and delivery again due to said restrictions and compilations at the hospital and after talking and settling in and all the rest by1:45ish the midwife checked me, and sure enough she said 'i'm sorry i didn't think you were in active labour you're 3 cm. i think its soon its just not yet.' UGGG NOT YET!!??? She tried to stretch and sweep but just said baby will come just try to got home and rest. I said I wasn't going home with contractions like these these are worse than both my other 2 labours something isn't right. so at about 10 after 2am I went for a walk around the hospital. 3 cm how could i only be 3 cm!! what was happening here!!
I was in a terrible state to have a baby, I was frustrated, I was bugged by the pain of the contractions, I hated that I kept finding places that smelled like cigarettes (in the hospital!?? really!!??) i find myself fighting every contraction, keeping a calm exterior but feeling beat inside. Frustrated feeling This was not like my first labours at all! i couldn't surrender, I felt defeated and i continued to let fear take hold of me. Until finally I chose. i had to I had to let go. I felt a contraction coming and told myself to suck it up because We are getting through this. I squatted right into that next contraction and boom my Water broke, baby came down and contractions didn't stop. they took me by surprise to my hands and knees on the hospital hallway floor. they came fast and hard, one after another without a break just constant its like i jumped right into transition without any real labour. i tried to walk but every step i just had to go to the wall or the floor they just took me off my feet. holy crap this baby was coming. before i knew it a wheelchair hearing 'her baby's come fast, get her out of the hallway, this baby can't be born here' and suddenly wheeling me down the hall fast to enter a room. my husband sets up my ipod, i love music while worship while i'm labouring. and how funny very time, God syncs the most significant songs and speaks right to my heart in them every time.. God knows. the worship music playing 'i'm no longer a slave to fear, i am a child of God' what truth. I won't be slave to fear. i finally completely gave in to labour. stopped fighting and zoned in and everything became a blur yet strangely focused and I let go, let fgo of fear, let go of pain, let go of anxiety. I just worshiped leaning over the side of the bed, got lost in it and just breathed. the pain was gone. i was at peace, i breathed out every contraction, blowing out the pain each one and it felt good.
I was in transition and i knew it. baby was almost here. She had to check me to see where i was, such a short period of time had gone by but i knew it was time. my contractions had changed and i needed to push. she checked, baby still hadn't come down but i was a stretchy 7-10 cm so she just said push. i followed her pushing instruction b/c he came so fast, literally no waiting just a few pushes and one very clear one - it has happened with every birth, suddenly you know, like this natural instinct comes over you with super strength and energy knowing this push is the push, i looked up at my mom and with such clarity said 'hes coming' and was i right. 2:32am he literally came flying out of there, so fast with all the water that came, that the midwife said it was like a slip and slide (lol) and almost didn't catch him. There was something prophetic about how he came, though my water broke, there was water above and below him, that hes is such a carrier or gods presence just surrounded that he will come unexpectedly and fast and flow and move with God's presence wherever he goes.
He was born to the bethel song 'you don't miss a thing'
after an overwhelming season, tiresome pregnancy, so much fear and anxiety leading to this moment. there could not be a better song to be playing at this exact moment, and in a crowd of ten thousand. you don't miss a thing.. gosh this resonates with me. as many of you might know. Benton was a massive surprise for us. but what an amazing thing for God to speak deep into my heart, i don't miss anything. I know you better than you know yourself. This is the family I planned, and this little warrior is gonna take it by storm. Benton teaches me about being fearless. About when you are afraid to let go even in the most difficult things in life. trust God. When you do, he is there to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding and it becomes easy.
He came in joy as i held him for the first time and began laughing feeling his little package in my hand under his bum. "I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!" (we didn't know the gender- but i sure did right away! lol) And he has been a joy bomb every day since. My goodness our little grace baby so sweet and full of life and joy. He is perfect for us in every way.
Our little Benton Huxley Sinnott
His name is so different but so many combinations of names and things we loved and talked about and prophetic calling and who He is.
The image I saw when I was pregnant with him was a humming bird. I didn't understand this image until I looked up what a hummingbird symbolized. 'Appearing out of no where, bringer of Joy. It shines iridescent as it pauses to drink the nectar of the flower that provides for it. The hummingbird symbolizes all things good. It symbolizes courage, determination, flexibility and adaptability. Though it is small it has the courage of a lion. It is a totem of fearlessness and represents lightness of being. '
How BEAUTIFUL!
Now here we are, it took me ages to get things clear on what God was saying about all of this and my goodness, so many amazing words and clarity and parallels but he is 17 months old now and today is the perfect tday to finish this. My little b. I love you.
Monday, August 8, 2016
He Is faithful
it was one of those mornings, following a vacation, a little tired a little slow. You had a rough sleep the night before, you just really need sleep. but your brain has a tough time falling asleep past 1:30 am you are telling yourself just go to sleep!!! it then wakes up bright and early at 5:30 am while all 3 of your kids sleep till 8:15 wwhhhaaaaa. not fair I want to sleep! I head downstairs and open my bible. it opens to Jeremiah. And as I read the recap of his story of who he was, he faced so much crap in his life, yet came out of it in grace. It posed the question, No matter what life throws your way do you hide and run from God? or do you come even closer to His heart and know who He really is? I thought of my husband immediately and the cancer we learned he had at the beginning of the year. It was so scary. It wasn't life threatening, he had a large patch of skin cancer on his back that he had surgery to have removed. it was right into the muscle, he could hardly move his arm as he rcovered for 6 weeks. In the spectrum of cancers as the drs would put it is the best cancer to get and easiest to deal with. But it shook us. Cancer. How could this invade our home? our family? my husband? we went through all the feels, all the fear but one thing remained strong, through all the upset, God is good. all the time.
Maybe its our age (ahem 33) or our social media outlets but it feels like everyday there is something I am hearing about another trial a friend is facing. Loss of jobs, major sickness, cancer, life threatening cancer, mysterious sickness, life changing situations, marriages falling apart, miscarriages, fertility problems, problems with their kids, so many life changing problems. My heart is broken for the broken, the lost, the sick, the poor, it kills me to see the heartache and try to make a point to pour in light to when i see it. Through amazing enough with all the sadness and heartbreak, I see so many overcomers, so many stories of hope, grace, where light shines brightly and they are victorious. These stories of Jeremiah's, conquerors. through the crap, they come out in grace, stronger than they ever thought! Dreams fulfilled, Cancers is beat, infertility healed, sickness gone, disabilities filled with joy, jobs coming and supernatural provision. After reading about Jeremiah this morning I must say i felt like 'oh NOW what is going to happen??!!!' but the longer I sit with it, I don't think it was saying something bad is going to happen. I opened my fb to see another friend about to start a journey to conquer. And through this difficult time they will be conquers. That God is with them and will show his grace and love more than they have ever experienced. So instead of warning I felt it was encouragement. Any hard stuff you are facing right now. You are victorious. God is faithful and gracious. Come out in grace, in hope and full of life.
Maybe its our age (ahem 33) or our social media outlets but it feels like everyday there is something I am hearing about another trial a friend is facing. Loss of jobs, major sickness, cancer, life threatening cancer, mysterious sickness, life changing situations, marriages falling apart, miscarriages, fertility problems, problems with their kids, so many life changing problems. My heart is broken for the broken, the lost, the sick, the poor, it kills me to see the heartache and try to make a point to pour in light to when i see it. Through amazing enough with all the sadness and heartbreak, I see so many overcomers, so many stories of hope, grace, where light shines brightly and they are victorious. These stories of Jeremiah's, conquerors. through the crap, they come out in grace, stronger than they ever thought! Dreams fulfilled, Cancers is beat, infertility healed, sickness gone, disabilities filled with joy, jobs coming and supernatural provision. After reading about Jeremiah this morning I must say i felt like 'oh NOW what is going to happen??!!!' but the longer I sit with it, I don't think it was saying something bad is going to happen. I opened my fb to see another friend about to start a journey to conquer. And through this difficult time they will be conquers. That God is with them and will show his grace and love more than they have ever experienced. So instead of warning I felt it was encouragement. Any hard stuff you are facing right now. You are victorious. God is faithful and gracious. Come out in grace, in hope and full of life.
Monday, February 9, 2015
One of those days.
Today is one of those days, those morning that have left you feeling beat at 9:20 am. The kind that after a rough nights sleep (and the past month or 2 of barely sleeping at all), wakes you up with "Mommmyyyyyy IIIIIIII POOOOOOOO" Coming from your potty-trained 2 year old's room. You stumble out of bed knowing that just-in-case pull up is about to be torn off and flung like a vengeance across the room. You open the door to emerge to foul stench filling your nasal cavities. Nothing like hot ass in the morning. You try not to be irritated, you try to be patient but she has already removed said pull up and is wandering around with sticky peanut butter poo all over her bum as she wants to try to help find wipes to clean up. All you can do is look at all the pretty clean pink around her room and think without freaking out OMG DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!! You quietly wrangle her up and try to keep your shit together, put on your calm, patient mommy face and clean up the mess but inside your kind of stirring. I hate waking up to poo. you tell yourself don't be irritated, she didn't do anything, Don't let this start your morning.
You quietly clean up and get your adorably sweet, but loud 2 year old past her 5 year old brothers room without waking him b/c he is much like my without enough sleep... an absolute bear. You get down stairs throw an eggo in the toaster, go to pour a coffee, maybe just MAYBE you will get to sit down and drink it quietly before mr 5 year old wakes up. You walk to the fridge to get cream for your coffee but, NO CREAM. uggghhhh milk sludge coffee it is. grosse. its almost not even worth drinking. but you need it. your body craves it and hopes it will bring life to your exhausted mind and sore 6 month pregnant body.
And there it is, its too late, the adorable high pitched talking of your 2 year old has caused the waking of the bear. She says GOOD MORNING! all chipper and cute to him but he grumps down the stairs to the couch. You try to intervene with your welcoming arms hoping to help him change his grump. As grumpy as he can be he is still a cuddly bear. I try to get him out of his mood while trying to get out of my own. The morning carries on slowly in a series of random unorganized events. i am trying to get in a good schedule but it is really hard for me especially when you yourself are not a morning person.. we slowly eat our breakfast which the 1 year old dog not only once or twice but three times scarfs kids breakfasts when they glance or walk a way for a minute. BAD DOG. It seems on the days where I am irritated the most the Dog needs to add to it and be a complete jerk so that I can blow my top and throw him out. After a fight about pants We slowly get our clothes on, but are successfully out the door by 8:45am (unheard of! Feeling a tad of success and improvement I later realize I forgot to ask if anyone was still hungry OOPS, never brushed our teeth or washed faces NICE MOM) to be welcomed by our ice covered van. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh I mean thick ice. I put the kids in and start. It takes every ounce of exhausted energy i have to try to even break through this ice. i'm cold. I'm 6 mos pregnant. My body aches and its hard to stand in the icy snow (my hips are a mess this time round) 15 minutes later I am now late for school with 1/2 my car scraped. I give up. I can hear yelling coming from inside the van and I feel defeated. I don't want to loose it. It takes everything I have to not freak out for no reason but kids aren't dumb, they know I'm tense. I just want to get back home. Get out of these uncomfortable pants and back in my jammies. All of this for 30 seconds of driving up the street to drop off my 5 year old at school. I get in the car and start driving with my one side of the van scraped the other with dinner plate size ice clearing on each window, just enough to see out a little bit. uggghhh. pathetic. I think I will be judged by bitchy school moms or neighbours that have too much of an opinion. but I'm exhausted and I'm fairly certain if anyone said anything i might just tell them where they can stick it. I look forward to when its warm again. When we can have our enjoyable sunny morning walk and start the day right. I look forward to not hurting, not being irritated, not peeing every 5 seconds, feeling like a baby is going to fall out of your chooch. my body hates being pregnant. HA!
So here I am. I went to find my make up to just try to feel a bit more human but it was frozen in the car. After some defrosting, I put on mascara and sprayed some perfume. Lets get out of this, lets get some modivation to start the day. I look around the house, every thing is chaos. The mountain of dishes and laundry is overwhelming me. Every inch of the house is a mess.
I really do, to be the best mommy I can be, but I am just so tired.
As I'm writing this i'm beginning to wake up, feel a little better. My 2 year old is starting her routine of changing 1 million time into everything she owns, and sits in front of me behind the computer just out of site with a pump bottle of cream that she has covered herself in. Oh Jesus Help me.
You quietly clean up and get your adorably sweet, but loud 2 year old past her 5 year old brothers room without waking him b/c he is much like my without enough sleep... an absolute bear. You get down stairs throw an eggo in the toaster, go to pour a coffee, maybe just MAYBE you will get to sit down and drink it quietly before mr 5 year old wakes up. You walk to the fridge to get cream for your coffee but, NO CREAM. uggghhhh milk sludge coffee it is. grosse. its almost not even worth drinking. but you need it. your body craves it and hopes it will bring life to your exhausted mind and sore 6 month pregnant body.
And there it is, its too late, the adorable high pitched talking of your 2 year old has caused the waking of the bear. She says GOOD MORNING! all chipper and cute to him but he grumps down the stairs to the couch. You try to intervene with your welcoming arms hoping to help him change his grump. As grumpy as he can be he is still a cuddly bear. I try to get him out of his mood while trying to get out of my own. The morning carries on slowly in a series of random unorganized events. i am trying to get in a good schedule but it is really hard for me especially when you yourself are not a morning person.. we slowly eat our breakfast which the 1 year old dog not only once or twice but three times scarfs kids breakfasts when they glance or walk a way for a minute. BAD DOG. It seems on the days where I am irritated the most the Dog needs to add to it and be a complete jerk so that I can blow my top and throw him out. After a fight about pants We slowly get our clothes on, but are successfully out the door by 8:45am (unheard of! Feeling a tad of success and improvement I later realize I forgot to ask if anyone was still hungry OOPS, never brushed our teeth or washed faces NICE MOM) to be welcomed by our ice covered van. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh I mean thick ice. I put the kids in and start. It takes every ounce of exhausted energy i have to try to even break through this ice. i'm cold. I'm 6 mos pregnant. My body aches and its hard to stand in the icy snow (my hips are a mess this time round) 15 minutes later I am now late for school with 1/2 my car scraped. I give up. I can hear yelling coming from inside the van and I feel defeated. I don't want to loose it. It takes everything I have to not freak out for no reason but kids aren't dumb, they know I'm tense. I just want to get back home. Get out of these uncomfortable pants and back in my jammies. All of this for 30 seconds of driving up the street to drop off my 5 year old at school. I get in the car and start driving with my one side of the van scraped the other with dinner plate size ice clearing on each window, just enough to see out a little bit. uggghhh. pathetic. I think I will be judged by bitchy school moms or neighbours that have too much of an opinion. but I'm exhausted and I'm fairly certain if anyone said anything i might just tell them where they can stick it. I look forward to when its warm again. When we can have our enjoyable sunny morning walk and start the day right. I look forward to not hurting, not being irritated, not peeing every 5 seconds, feeling like a baby is going to fall out of your chooch. my body hates being pregnant. HA!
So here I am. I went to find my make up to just try to feel a bit more human but it was frozen in the car. After some defrosting, I put on mascara and sprayed some perfume. Lets get out of this, lets get some modivation to start the day. I look around the house, every thing is chaos. The mountain of dishes and laundry is overwhelming me. Every inch of the house is a mess.
I really do, to be the best mommy I can be, but I am just so tired.
As I'm writing this i'm beginning to wake up, feel a little better. My 2 year old is starting her routine of changing 1 million time into everything she owns, and sits in front of me behind the computer just out of site with a pump bottle of cream that she has covered herself in. Oh Jesus Help me.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
simplify.. day 3
a world without facebook... I must admit even a few days ago the thought struck a touch of panic. lol i know that sounds funny but really, for this stay at home mama it is nearly her only connection to the world outside my littles. All my friends work, I don't have a cell, so no texting, I am alone.. I've held onto this for sometime. It my only connection to my friends...
When did social media change this idea of friendship. Facebook has created this false sense of closeness and communication. Somehow replacing real relationships placing in the mindset that in depth conversation and one on one in person interaction, looking someone in the face for some reason no longer required. Is this what you want? Is that what I want? Surface relationships with people I kind of know or knew at one point in my life? My actual friends I have hardly any interaction with on facebook at all. As I scroll through the board, posts of people I hardly know, and honestly don't really care what they have written, are complaining or boasting about, random singing or the next greatest talent' or photos that i have no connection to anyway. On top posts can cause you to feel terrible, unsuccessful, a failure, untalented, overall unhappy with yourself b/c life is much easier or better for others. So what am I looking for? Approval, connection, community? This fear of What if I'm missing something had haunted me. Or if I get rid of it, I will have connection to the outside world!!! and I will be even more alone. but This isn't friendship. This isn't closeness. Its a false sense of connection. Do I really need to be scrolling through randomness that I don't care about missing out on the sweet little faces right in front of me?
Coming to this thought a few days ago when I began writing this blog it hit me hard, I'm alone. as it started to really sink in the phone rang. one of my dearest friends that lives so far from me called to just see how i am and tell me they were thinking about me and love me. Its what sent me over and a pent of wave of emotions fled out (darn preggo hormones I cry at everything!) but they were emotions and real feeling that needed to come out, loneliness is a real thing and I have been feeling it for a long time that I began to crowd by days with being busy, letting myself think that motherhood is too hard and so kept myself occupied with other things to check out its reality it turn "sabotaging my own ability to love and live life" i quote because i couldn't find it better said that in a blog i discovered this week. http://www.handsfreemama.com/ its amazing and inspiring and I am right on track with what she is saying what she is and it writing as helped me get to a place of revelation that I have been hiding from for a long time. SIMPLIFY. unplug from technology and free up your life (a whooole other blog to come on identity after motherhood) so you can enjoy it and love it. And i am not alone. i have an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends and amazing kids that love me very much and social media isn't it.
I sat watching my 2 year old daughter eat french fries in the food court this week while christmas shopping (yes no judging we were out for a treat). I sat with her as she ate and just drank her in. watched the way she carefully chose a fresh cut fry and oh so daintily dipped it in her gravy (yes we love fries and gravy takes after here mama. ) the her little fingers held it, hey way her long eyelashes fell on her cheeks as she looked down, her carefully lift, not to drip but then the sweet grin when she tasted them. it was so sweet. like the whole foodcourt was on mute, i could just stopped the busy and watch her, her savour. I didn't care if it took all afternoon, i would sit here and watch her sweetly enjoy each one. it made me smile. it made her smile. engraved in my mind i remember thinking i want to remember more like this. i need to slow down and see my kids see into them, pay attention and enjoy them every day. i don't want to miss it.
what broke my gaze was a mom huffing and puffing beside me trying to her her son who was not fighting or grumpy into a high chair. I looked around and everywhere i looked, parent after parent with their faces in cell phones, kids looking at them with hope for communication and some just staring off into space like they'd given up trying. The lady beside me who had just been putting her son in the chair lady, without taking her eyes up from the screen, plopped food down in front of her 18 mos (or so) son, while she sat engrossed in her cellphone. Not once did she look up, acknowledge him, talk to him but 2 x hold up a fry in his face as he looked up at her for some kind of communication. Some time later she looked down seen that he had eaten only a few bites, yelled at him and took away his food 'that's it! you're done!' and picked him up angrily lecturing him for not eating. It broke me. I don't have a cell (yes i am probably the only one on the planet but I don't want one) I have been her. I have been so engulfed in other things that I didn't take notice, i have gotten frustrated of soo many kid things like being silly or playing too loudly. I have been so preoccupied with my own stuff and I have missed it. It made me think of this past lunch hour and reinforce how much I didn't want to miss it anymore. I don't want to be all those parents on cell phones. I didn't want to feel irritated at home b/c i was busy trying to send off an email or some other mundane task i thought was more important. Everytime "just a minute" becomes 30 or everytime i choose to look at a screen to look at one more thing or allow myself to zone our, instead of be present with them tells them, 'you are not important enough' or that they are being and inconvenience. omg. my heart. What kind of generation are we raising?
Your kids aren't a disruption of your life, they are your life.
We have let so many thing cloud our lives that we allow our kids to become accessories and if you don't bother or disrupt me than we won't have any trouble. Wake up. WAKE UP. We are raising people. You are shaping someone here. They are gifts that God has given us, trusted us with to pour into, teach, help grow into amazing people that will impact the rest of history. (hands free mama) amazing!!!! that will impact history!!
I originally joined facebook about 10 years ago in university, it was a way to know when parties were happening and where. I barely used my computer, unless I was writing papers. Never did I expect it to grow into the addictive monster it has become. And not just facebook, my computer, my laptop, or ipod. All time stealers. They have sucked me in and caused me to miss out on so many dear moments in life. It has caused me to be irritated for no reason. It has caused me to loose touch, miss out on my kids, get depressed, loose my sense of self or connection with myself and God. I've allowed it to steal from me.
Its been 3 days of minimal use of any technology and cutting out the busy' if so only during nap time. I am happier. My kids are noticeably happier, I am not irritated, I have more patience, they aren't fighting together and when they do I have the patience to diffuse the bomb and help them work it out. There are less meltdowns in the house (on both child and parent end lol), we are communicating more, snuggling more, we are closer. My husband and I are talking more and working together through how to help them manage emotions and seeing what it working and what isn't. The house is cleaner, dinner is made, I don't feel as stressed or anxious. I don't feel overwhelmed and drowning. I feel satisfied. I feel hope. How can so much change in just a few days?
I'm looking forward to this change and this journey.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
simplify
Simplify. cutting out the busy and just simplifying life. My husband
said it recently "I wish life was just simpler sometimes". It stuck with
me. I wish life was simpler and easier too. I was finding myself frustrated with everything lately and hardly enjoying any days. The house is a mess, the kids are fighting, my husband works a million hours, money is tight, trying to balance home life with how to also run a little photography and art business, stay ahead of the game, fulfill myself, my marriage and my home family life. Everything kind of came to a head at the same time where 100 problems suddenly abrupt and I start to really look at them sit and think, I need to fix this!! Work things out and look at them logically, why are my kids acting this way, why am I? I am desperate and something has got to change!! And its like it so simply makes sense with one word. SIMPLIFY. Simplify life. Remove the distractions. Rest. Be with your family. Not just present but remove the business of life and just enjoy them, and TRUST ME with the rest.
God has talked to me so much about letting go of next year. Stop pushing for work just stop. Rest, reconnect with God, myself, my husband and my kids. Stop trying to perform and fix life. Resting on myself to fix problems instead of trusting him is just not the way to go. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'. I'm not a bible quoter but really i find this to be true right now. Seek Him. Rediscover 'him and me alone' where it is is free and nothing else matters. Knowing and living loved. I've been playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' when things go right or wrong. I've been grabbing trying to provide for ourselves with most efforts gone to shit. I've lost my trust. And in the meantime been clouded by so many things that waste my time, steal my joy and cause anxiety. Simplify.
Earlier in the year I sat on my ipod, it has a giant crack down the middle. I was disappointed at first but I felt God show me almost right away, he wants to break the devices that distract us from what really matters. For me my ipod (i don't have a cell phone) was a problem. It was clouding me from seeing what mattered - my family. It sucked my time and energy and kept me distracted from connecting. I hate to see people out with their kids with a cell phone in their face ignoring their kids or the people they are with, but I was doing it at home. With a laptop or an ipod, with an art project, painting or editing, with cleaning the house or a phone call. I was missing out and I was showing them that everything else I was doing was more important than them. I came to this realization 6 months ago. you know i'm still doing it. I'm still fighting it. This week I have had a major wake up call to this problem of busy-ness and distractions And I'm being called to simplify and the first step is to remove distractions. I am tired and worn and with another baby on the way I need to get life back in its right priorities.
God has talked to me so much about letting go of next year. Stop pushing for work just stop. Rest, reconnect with God, myself, my husband and my kids. Stop trying to perform and fix life. Resting on myself to fix problems instead of trusting him is just not the way to go. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'. I'm not a bible quoter but really i find this to be true right now. Seek Him. Rediscover 'him and me alone' where it is is free and nothing else matters. Knowing and living loved. I've been playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' when things go right or wrong. I've been grabbing trying to provide for ourselves with most efforts gone to shit. I've lost my trust. And in the meantime been clouded by so many things that waste my time, steal my joy and cause anxiety. Simplify.
Earlier in the year I sat on my ipod, it has a giant crack down the middle. I was disappointed at first but I felt God show me almost right away, he wants to break the devices that distract us from what really matters. For me my ipod (i don't have a cell phone) was a problem. It was clouding me from seeing what mattered - my family. It sucked my time and energy and kept me distracted from connecting. I hate to see people out with their kids with a cell phone in their face ignoring their kids or the people they are with, but I was doing it at home. With a laptop or an ipod, with an art project, painting or editing, with cleaning the house or a phone call. I was missing out and I was showing them that everything else I was doing was more important than them. I came to this realization 6 months ago. you know i'm still doing it. I'm still fighting it. This week I have had a major wake up call to this problem of busy-ness and distractions And I'm being called to simplify and the first step is to remove distractions. I am tired and worn and with another baby on the way I need to get life back in its right priorities.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
The end of an era: School Days
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| michael steingard photography |
I find myself after 2 years of not touching this blog I just have to write. Some way this thing helps clear my mind and thoughts and help me see clearer.
This evening I find the more I come to realization things are about to change the more hot tears fall from my burning eyes. My son is going off to Jr Kindergarden this week. I know it sounds silly but my feelings of loss and sadness are real. Its like he's going away and its not for a short time or a few days or a special event, it is every day... its forever. Its the end of an era. Its the end of spending everyday with this wonderful little person that I love with all of my heart and is my entire world. Who since he was born I have spent every day with. This is the end of silly days of laughing and tickle wars, pajama days, endless book reading, Sparkling eyes and smiles I could stare at and never tire of. The end of building of endless hot wheel tracks that extendend down the stairs and out the front door, forts and couch jumping competitions. Going outside in the rain and jumping puddles or just feeling it fall softly on our skin. The end of exploration walks and discovering new things everyday together. The end of crafts and painting together, silly songs and making breakfast and lunch together. Its the end of spending every day with my little boy. And yes i know, i still get to see him ever late afternoon and evening and on the weekends, but its not the same... its not the same at all. in my place will be another woman I don't know spending more time with him than I will getting to have all of his laughter and smiles. Watching him grow and learn. I am sad. All the things I will be missing. I wish I hit record to all of the moments, smile and even the tantrums. So I will never forget them. It has suddenly made me see and hear all of the "it goes by fast, enjoy every moment" s' I have ever heard. It has made me regret every selfish moment of wanting time alone or frustration I have had over not knowing what to do or being unable to handle a situation as good as I could have. I instantly have more grace, more compassion and even more love for both my kids. I am savouring. I am remembering and knowing that these little years do go by fast, so love them and enjoy them though difficult, take a minute to savour them. Take them in. Engrave them in your minds and in your hearts because they will never be this little again. See into your children because they notice when you are not present, and when something else is more important than they are. See into who they are, mold them, shape them, invest in them and use every moment.. They are a gift entrusted to you to pour into and love and give and shape and teach. Nothing else is more important.
So this week we step into a new season, a new change. School days. This is going to be a big adjustment for us both but I step into this season really appreciating, and learning to walk in loving the little years, walking in more grace and patience and choosing to no longer waste any minutes and fully taking in all the ones I do have.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
wowza a year??
It has been over a year. dang a year. i realized this this week that I had completely dropped the ball on the blog not even realizing it had been an ENTIRE YEAR. where did this year GO? I always wondered why when mama's have more than one baby suddenly the blog dissapears~!?? oh wait. its b/c you actually have zero time to yourself. There is always someone there, awake, needing something, asking something, wanting to be held, played with, cared for, kiss their booboo's, hold them, rock the, feed them, teach them new things, explore with them, find their shirt, help them put their socks on, wipe their bum, change their diaper, put them to sleep, i could go a long time, the list goes on and on. I need me time. I would not trade them for ANYTHING. but I need me time. so I HOPE** to reconnect with this blog b/c it gives me some rest, some peace of mind, some sorting of my thoughts and feelings, things become clearer and more importantly its just me, my brain, my heart and my keyboard. I feel better when I get a little bit of silence. When my brain is active and not in automatic. When I can just process what I am feeling. When my heart feels sad, it can just pour out and I stop feeling a mess. or when I am trying to understand what God is doing I find clarity, or excited about what God is doing, I put into words how grateful and overjoyed I am. I love writing a blog, and journal of my thoughts and feelings and place where I can just have time for me. So here I am, hoping to spend more time with myself and my heart. It has been an incredible year. My kids are amazing, I love them to pieces! This has been an incredible year of blessing and increase and surprise, I am so looking forward to sharing and processing how DEEP he has been taking us.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Adventures in Pottyland: Part 2
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| photo credit: photosbytrayc |
We started this journey many months ago, you can read about it here. Here is our story of the adventures in pottyland.
I think it was a combination of 3rd trimester exhaustion, jack not being completely ready and then the arrival of little miss but we never did get to nailing down the full time potty. With a potty full of stickers, they slowly became less exciting and when Makayla was born he did not want to go in the potty any more and would get angry when we tried to encourage him to, (which I wondered might happen) so we left it. Newborn phase is tiring enough, added chasing a toddler and managing a naughty dog, I wasn't ready to commit to the full time potty anyway. Jack continued to do it part time, some days all his pees and poos, some days just mornings, some days not at all. We discovered that smarties are much more exciting than stickers, so he gets a smartie every time he goes, LOTS of praise and told how proud we are everytime, lots of hugs and smiles and this he loves I think more than anything. It has been about a month that he showed real interest again and this week I'm not sure what changed but he was no longer interested in his diapers and ventured into his special big kid underwear drawer. I was quite excited to see this as there has been NO interest in wearing big kid undies to this point. He asked to wear them, we said ok. but there is a special rule, we cannot pee or poo in big kid underwear, we have to use the potty. He agreed. we are on day 4, it is actually working!!! I am pretty impressed! And now we are going through smarties pretty quickly but I think he's got it! He has had a few accidents, 1 in his underwear and shorts while playing outside and another just today where he started to pee on my mom's outdoor carpet instead of peeing in the grass (yes he is a boy, come on, might as well take advantage of the tools given if you can) But he is so good at it, each time he has to go he ventures off to the bathroom, no longer using the little potty but uses the "potty seats" that fit on top of the toilet to go poop and to pee lifts the seat and stands high on his tippy toes ( so cute) just like daddy. (He thinks this is VERY exciting). He likes to be alone to go but tells you if he needs to go and asks for help getting his underwear off. He comes out with a big goofy smile on his face so proud of himself! He has even gone for car rides and long bike rides without any accidents in his new big kid underwear!! We have been putting him in pull ups on nap but has been waking dry and asks to pee upon waking!! Nights he is still waking up wet but I think that will take time and I think that's ok, it is 12 hours, i even have to go pee in the middle of the night. lol. So there you have it!! my little guy is getting so big. I am ready and I think I can get everyone else on board too. no diapers... Wow it is strange to think he might be done diapers.. what an exciting new season for us and him! We are so proud of you Jack!
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| photo credit: photosbytrayc |
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Grande Entrance of Little Miss...
You randomly hear about these labour stories that you think there is no possible way that it happened that way. You know the ones, silent labours, or completely pain free, i once heard one that the mama laughed the whole way through. Well this is my story, not pain free but nearly, absolutely unbelievable, focused, drug free, peaceful, easy and fast. I bless everyone to have labours like this. Thank you father for your amazing grace.
When having Jack my goal was to gave a drug free birth, I prayed for an easy labour. I have to say though not 'easy, it was manageable and easier than I thought it was going to be. i just kept thinking about leading up to it was all these women they show on tv screaming their way through labour, screaming at their husbands cursing their name and I didn't want that, I wanted it to be a peaceful enviroment, giving it the best chance and most natural way possible on its way out. I began to speak to my body, pray over it, for it to open up, be at rest and work with labour. For God to show the way to the baby on how to get out, to prepare my heart and mind and enter into God's presence during contractions and for the strength to get through it. My pain thresh hold sucks but what I wanted for my kids was stronger than anything you could ever throw at me. Be at rest body and mind, for the Lord He is GOOD! and you know we got it. it was a positive experience, it was filled with his presence and it was doable. Read more here to read about Jack's birth!
I must admit, Jack's labour had been so good that I was afraid this time. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, I was afraid that it would be terrible, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to manage it. I took practice contractions in false labour as they came and found that I had lost my strength to push through them. I whimpered through painful ones forgot to breathe, to rest, to look to Jesus. I felt like I was giving up before I was even starting. How on earth am I going to get through the real thing again? i thought. I let the enemy plant a seed of fear and it began to grow. Funny how you can let that take over so quickly. I asked God to talk to me to help me and when I recognized it was fear and wrote my last post. Get strong Heather. He has created us to be conquerors! He created my body to do this. I began to rest, began to worship, and read, get back in the head space of labour, and psych myself up for the big psychological game my body and mind would soon be playing with me.
After a couple weeks of labour psyche outs feeling frustrated, because its hard that I had to think of jack each time and making arrangements for him each time my body started into labour runs.. I prayed, father, I'm not convinced by the contractions, something has to really stand out for me to go to the hospital. Have my waterbreak or something so I know when its actually time.. I remember praying the same thing with Jack and I got exactly what I needed to know when it was time. I find that if I Pray specifically when he answers you know for sure that it was Him. There was a bit of stress for me this time round, because when it's just you it doesn't matter when you go into labour, but when you already have a kid/kids you have to plan for them too, and you can't plan when you are going to have a baby so knowing who is around and who is on call and distances of where they are and how long it takes for them to get to you all comes into play. Luke's parents, our closest easiest back ups and they had been away in Sweeden, everyone else from me was at least 20 minutes or more away from me, if this was going to be a fast labour as my midwives predicted, I could be really screwed just on waiting for a sitter so I was feeling stressed. I also wanted it to be a smooth transition for him to, the most natural way that he didn't feel left somewhere or shipped off while mom and dad disappeared.. I prayed for it all to be orchestrated perfectly....
I write this out almost minute for minute b/c it is quite unbelievable. Also some smart guy who designed a labour room with a large digital panel clock directly in front of a birthing bed is a total idiot
Sunday June 3, 2012: The day after the Sinnott's arrived back home from Sweeden I woke up at 5 am, a wicked hard contraction came on OWWW.... S.O.B. - I have to pee. these had been happening frequently in the night and just attributed to a full bladder so I went to pee and back to bed. 5:30, the same thing, went pee, i had relief no issue, 6 , 6:30 all the same thing. I wake up.. 4 contractions. i think big deal. 1/2 hour apart, if this is it I have time. I woke up for the day and started about, I was unusually awake this am as I had been normally taking advantage of weekends where I could sleep. I washed my face and did my hair cute in a messy pony tail, brushed my teeth and thought if this is it, I am putting on waterproof mascara this time! (last time i have huge racoon eyes in all the pics from pushing, sweating all of the above through labour with regular mascara on - LOL) I randomly picked up things to complete my labour bag. With no evidence and not convinced but something in me felt it maybe time i was caught in thought when Luke came upstairs, it was about 7 ish and had just had another contraction, I said to Luke, "I think I might be in labour." he was excited wanting to track contractions, I said to wait, "there's no point in tracking them now, their so far apart, wait till they get closer. " I continued on went downstairs and sat down on the couch. (7:30 ish) POP .... that was weird.. my brain started to run through info I had read a few days earlier, "some women feel a pop, then a gush of water" but there was no water.. ow ow... weird. body is peaceful..then ow ow. what on earth.? i wait to feel for contractions and continue thinking..
15/ish min later i finally speak up..
Me: Luke... I think my water just broke. (i stand up. but nothing.. no gush, no flow, nothing really abnormal)
Luke: are you getting contractions?
Me: yah but they are all over the place
Luke: maybe its nothing then.
Me: well i know what i'm feeling and i'm not going to ignore it, even if it's not right. (why are pregnant women so bitchy? sorry babe!) ow ow. what the heck? I gotta pee. (I go to the bathroom)
Luke: see you just had to pee.
Me: I'm not peeing.... call the midwife right now. (BAAAHAHAH to me this is funny)
8 ish: Luke pages the midwife, she calls back talks to me asks me whats going on, I tell her and add its weird though contractions are very random, and I don't know for sure if it has broken or what but that was weird. Her responce: DO NOT WAIT, GET TO THE HoSPITAL NOW. I tell her that i don't even really have contractions though she repeats it again. now.. i think that's when you listen.
by now it is about 8:15 Luke kicks it into gear, calls the sinnott's who have been home for all of 13 hours, dresses jack, get the bag, loads the car, he is moving at lighting speed. I am gathering things, called my mom to tell her what was going on, not stressing too much but moving, my mind feels unclear, with random contraction here or there, i am still wondering if my water did break (it didn't till the end with jack) but preparing to go to the hospital quickly.. 8:30 ish Jeremy gets there picks up Jack, we wave goodbye he is excited to play with Grandma and Grandpa. We get in the car to drive. i turn on the worship music, and WOAH, STOP. breathe breathe breathe, ok. GO. (where did that come from?!) As we drive the 15 minute car ride to the hospital, i close my eyes and breathe, the ride becomes a blur one contraction after the next, each intense, fast, close to each other a series of breathing luke coaching me, calming me, the worship music surrounding the car, a whirlwind of what doesn't even feel real happening all in one moment. i catch myself in a thought, where did all of these contractions come from? why are they so close? close like the end and it is just the beginning!! fear comes in and i get scared, how bad is this going to be!!??? but as fast as it enters, it gets kicked out, no time to think about it b/c breathe breathe breathe breathe. my body relaxes into it's trained calm state without any thought or effort thank you Jesus. Luke talks me through racing to the hospital, he is calm, he is peaceful, he is encouraging. 8:40 ish we arrive at the hospital, contractions in the parking lot, the hallway, the elevator, the registration lobby, in the 5 minutes that it takes to get upstairs i have already had 5. 8:45 ish I go to my room where the midwife has already checked me in, she says hello, i faintly smile, hand signal a wave and get on my hands and knees on the floor and flop my arms over the bed. contractions over and over and over.
9:00
midwife: When you have a break, We need to check you..
me: ok hold on, breathe breathe breath.... ok hold on again breathe breathe breath..... ok wait once more, breathe breathe breath.... oh yah you need to check me, ok go now before another one comes breathe breathe breathe (all of those breathing pauses contractions, seconds apart. I climb up on the bed)
she checks, you are 8 cm the other midwife laughs out loud, she can't believe it. and says, ha! its like you think she's done it before!
me: ok, (i can't even think to care. just breathe breathe breathe (I'm in the Zone baby!)
time goes by in a blur, luke is cheering me one, rubbing my back, encouraging me, talking me through each one, what feels like a few short minutes on my hands and knees i feel i have to push,
the midwife checks me again, my mom walks in which she says is around 9:20 as the midwife is checking me you are 10 cm, when you feel that bearing down again you can push if you like. I don't quite feel the urge yet so I wait for it. 9:30ish This part on time is a bit of a blur but my mom has a picture of me at with baby in belly. The next picture is me with a baby! The midwife charted 7 minutes of pushing and baby was here,quite amazing and very different from the 1.5 hours i did with Jack.. I remember a lot from pushing, though difficult at first again to quite get it, in finding where to push, it was all of a sudden like it was the only time in slow motion. and then I suddenly understood it. The feelings, the effort, the thoughts, the shape of the baby's body and head feeling and the changes in shape of the head, the neck, everything coming down and coming out. I felt aware, in tune, in control of what was happening. God timed it perfectly for me too, he timed the peak moment of the whole experience, with the biggest build up to the prophetic song playing in the background Let it rain by Jesus Culture. "LET IT RAIIIIIN, LET IT RAAIIIIIN, OPEN THE FLOOD GATES OF HEAVEN, LEET IT RAAAAIIIIIIIN, LET IT RAAAAIIN" things happening quickly around me, that same whirlwind as in the car, taking in an overwhelming amount of information in milliseconds, lost in that moment, and pushing through the pain... then it all stops.... just complete peace surrounds me. I hear..
9:37am
midwife: Heather reach down, come get your baby.
I open my eyes in surprise and look down, reach down and I grab it around it around its chest under the arms as it is coming out and pull my baby onto my chest my baby.... Oh . my . goodness. I think that was the most special moment ever. totally unexpected, totally by surprise, aah-mazing.
45 minutes....
seriously. in the hospital for 45 min. i would say count the driving time of when labour really started - an hour of real labour and if you want to get technical under 2 hours from the time my water broke unaware that anything was going on. that is rediculous. hands down, this is how labour should be. every time. period. peaceful, fast, easy. maybe this is how it was really designed, how he planned it, to be a beautiful quiet moment of entry in this world surrounded by His presence and love.
to end this wonderful story, you may all remember that we had no idea the gender of this little one. Something that killed me the entire time I was pregnant, I would have found out but with Luke really wanting it to be a surprise i gave it a go. The 9 months was full of emotional ups and downs, breakdowns, anxiety, acceptance. My goodness, what a horrible ride. But I see looking back it was something that God needed me to do, to talk to me about, to work through some things, expose areas of my heart, deal with judgements, ungodly beliefs, things he wanted to deal with waay down deep in my heart that were planted a long time ago that deeply impacted me and couldn't be fixed without this 9 months of the unknown. Here after such an emotionally dramatic pregnancy obsessed with the wonder of boy or girl, this perfect little genderless being is laying on my chest, I think to check but I stop myself and realize boy or girl, I don't care, I love YOU, I love you, I love you, I love you.
my mom: So what is this little baby? Noone has said yet?
[i snap out of my dreamy state, i just assumed it was a boy, they had been saying HE the whole time through labour 'SPOILER ALERT']
midwife: well sh... You know Daddy, why don't you check out what you have there?
Luke lifts a leg, both of us expecting to see a penis (from my angle I can't see anything but we were totally convinced we would have a boy) it takes him a second and in disbelief and a big smile on his face says "its a girl"
me: A GIRL!!!!??? (I PRETTY MUCH SCREAM)
I look at him, we kiss and we have matching goofy smiles on our faces, A GIRL!
best. surprise. of. my. life.
9:37 am A wonderful, perfect little girl is born into our lives, to bring us and teach us about Joy.
When having Jack my goal was to gave a drug free birth, I prayed for an easy labour. I have to say though not 'easy, it was manageable and easier than I thought it was going to be. i just kept thinking about leading up to it was all these women they show on tv screaming their way through labour, screaming at their husbands cursing their name and I didn't want that, I wanted it to be a peaceful enviroment, giving it the best chance and most natural way possible on its way out. I began to speak to my body, pray over it, for it to open up, be at rest and work with labour. For God to show the way to the baby on how to get out, to prepare my heart and mind and enter into God's presence during contractions and for the strength to get through it. My pain thresh hold sucks but what I wanted for my kids was stronger than anything you could ever throw at me. Be at rest body and mind, for the Lord He is GOOD! and you know we got it. it was a positive experience, it was filled with his presence and it was doable. Read more here to read about Jack's birth!
I must admit, Jack's labour had been so good that I was afraid this time. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, I was afraid that it would be terrible, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to manage it. I took practice contractions in false labour as they came and found that I had lost my strength to push through them. I whimpered through painful ones forgot to breathe, to rest, to look to Jesus. I felt like I was giving up before I was even starting. How on earth am I going to get through the real thing again? i thought. I let the enemy plant a seed of fear and it began to grow. Funny how you can let that take over so quickly. I asked God to talk to me to help me and when I recognized it was fear and wrote my last post. Get strong Heather. He has created us to be conquerors! He created my body to do this. I began to rest, began to worship, and read, get back in the head space of labour, and psych myself up for the big psychological game my body and mind would soon be playing with me.
After a couple weeks of labour psyche outs feeling frustrated, because its hard that I had to think of jack each time and making arrangements for him each time my body started into labour runs.. I prayed, father, I'm not convinced by the contractions, something has to really stand out for me to go to the hospital. Have my waterbreak or something so I know when its actually time.. I remember praying the same thing with Jack and I got exactly what I needed to know when it was time. I find that if I Pray specifically when he answers you know for sure that it was Him. There was a bit of stress for me this time round, because when it's just you it doesn't matter when you go into labour, but when you already have a kid/kids you have to plan for them too, and you can't plan when you are going to have a baby so knowing who is around and who is on call and distances of where they are and how long it takes for them to get to you all comes into play. Luke's parents, our closest easiest back ups and they had been away in Sweeden, everyone else from me was at least 20 minutes or more away from me, if this was going to be a fast labour as my midwives predicted, I could be really screwed just on waiting for a sitter so I was feeling stressed. I also wanted it to be a smooth transition for him to, the most natural way that he didn't feel left somewhere or shipped off while mom and dad disappeared.. I prayed for it all to be orchestrated perfectly....
I write this out almost minute for minute b/c it is quite unbelievable. Also some smart guy who designed a labour room with a large digital panel clock directly in front of a birthing bed is a total idiot
Sunday June 3, 2012: The day after the Sinnott's arrived back home from Sweeden I woke up at 5 am, a wicked hard contraction came on OWWW.... S.O.B. - I have to pee. these had been happening frequently in the night and just attributed to a full bladder so I went to pee and back to bed. 5:30, the same thing, went pee, i had relief no issue, 6 , 6:30 all the same thing. I wake up.. 4 contractions. i think big deal. 1/2 hour apart, if this is it I have time. I woke up for the day and started about, I was unusually awake this am as I had been normally taking advantage of weekends where I could sleep. I washed my face and did my hair cute in a messy pony tail, brushed my teeth and thought if this is it, I am putting on waterproof mascara this time! (last time i have huge racoon eyes in all the pics from pushing, sweating all of the above through labour with regular mascara on - LOL) I randomly picked up things to complete my labour bag. With no evidence and not convinced but something in me felt it maybe time i was caught in thought when Luke came upstairs, it was about 7 ish and had just had another contraction, I said to Luke, "I think I might be in labour." he was excited wanting to track contractions, I said to wait, "there's no point in tracking them now, their so far apart, wait till they get closer. " I continued on went downstairs and sat down on the couch. (7:30 ish) POP .... that was weird.. my brain started to run through info I had read a few days earlier, "some women feel a pop, then a gush of water" but there was no water.. ow ow... weird. body is peaceful..then ow ow. what on earth.? i wait to feel for contractions and continue thinking..
15/ish min later i finally speak up..
Me: Luke... I think my water just broke. (i stand up. but nothing.. no gush, no flow, nothing really abnormal)
Luke: are you getting contractions?
Me: yah but they are all over the place
Luke: maybe its nothing then.
Me: well i know what i'm feeling and i'm not going to ignore it, even if it's not right. (why are pregnant women so bitchy? sorry babe!) ow ow. what the heck? I gotta pee. (I go to the bathroom)
Luke: see you just had to pee.
Me: I'm not peeing.... call the midwife right now. (BAAAHAHAH to me this is funny)
8 ish: Luke pages the midwife, she calls back talks to me asks me whats going on, I tell her and add its weird though contractions are very random, and I don't know for sure if it has broken or what but that was weird. Her responce: DO NOT WAIT, GET TO THE HoSPITAL NOW. I tell her that i don't even really have contractions though she repeats it again. now.. i think that's when you listen.
by now it is about 8:15 Luke kicks it into gear, calls the sinnott's who have been home for all of 13 hours, dresses jack, get the bag, loads the car, he is moving at lighting speed. I am gathering things, called my mom to tell her what was going on, not stressing too much but moving, my mind feels unclear, with random contraction here or there, i am still wondering if my water did break (it didn't till the end with jack) but preparing to go to the hospital quickly.. 8:30 ish Jeremy gets there picks up Jack, we wave goodbye he is excited to play with Grandma and Grandpa. We get in the car to drive. i turn on the worship music, and WOAH, STOP. breathe breathe breathe, ok. GO. (where did that come from?!) As we drive the 15 minute car ride to the hospital, i close my eyes and breathe, the ride becomes a blur one contraction after the next, each intense, fast, close to each other a series of breathing luke coaching me, calming me, the worship music surrounding the car, a whirlwind of what doesn't even feel real happening all in one moment. i catch myself in a thought, where did all of these contractions come from? why are they so close? close like the end and it is just the beginning!! fear comes in and i get scared, how bad is this going to be!!??? but as fast as it enters, it gets kicked out, no time to think about it b/c breathe breathe breathe breathe. my body relaxes into it's trained calm state without any thought or effort thank you Jesus. Luke talks me through racing to the hospital, he is calm, he is peaceful, he is encouraging. 8:40 ish we arrive at the hospital, contractions in the parking lot, the hallway, the elevator, the registration lobby, in the 5 minutes that it takes to get upstairs i have already had 5. 8:45 ish I go to my room where the midwife has already checked me in, she says hello, i faintly smile, hand signal a wave and get on my hands and knees on the floor and flop my arms over the bed. contractions over and over and over.
9:00
midwife: When you have a break, We need to check you..
me: ok hold on, breathe breathe breath.... ok hold on again breathe breathe breath..... ok wait once more, breathe breathe breath.... oh yah you need to check me, ok go now before another one comes breathe breathe breathe (all of those breathing pauses contractions, seconds apart. I climb up on the bed)
she checks, you are 8 cm the other midwife laughs out loud, she can't believe it. and says, ha! its like you think she's done it before!
me: ok, (i can't even think to care. just breathe breathe breathe (I'm in the Zone baby!)
time goes by in a blur, luke is cheering me one, rubbing my back, encouraging me, talking me through each one, what feels like a few short minutes on my hands and knees i feel i have to push,
the midwife checks me again, my mom walks in which she says is around 9:20 as the midwife is checking me you are 10 cm, when you feel that bearing down again you can push if you like. I don't quite feel the urge yet so I wait for it. 9:30ish This part on time is a bit of a blur but my mom has a picture of me at with baby in belly. The next picture is me with a baby! The midwife charted 7 minutes of pushing and baby was here,quite amazing and very different from the 1.5 hours i did with Jack.. I remember a lot from pushing, though difficult at first again to quite get it, in finding where to push, it was all of a sudden like it was the only time in slow motion. and then I suddenly understood it. The feelings, the effort, the thoughts, the shape of the baby's body and head feeling and the changes in shape of the head, the neck, everything coming down and coming out. I felt aware, in tune, in control of what was happening. God timed it perfectly for me too, he timed the peak moment of the whole experience, with the biggest build up to the prophetic song playing in the background Let it rain by Jesus Culture. "LET IT RAIIIIIN, LET IT RAAIIIIIN, OPEN THE FLOOD GATES OF HEAVEN, LEET IT RAAAAIIIIIIIN, LET IT RAAAAIIN" things happening quickly around me, that same whirlwind as in the car, taking in an overwhelming amount of information in milliseconds, lost in that moment, and pushing through the pain... then it all stops.... just complete peace surrounds me. I hear..
9:37am
midwife: Heather reach down, come get your baby.
I open my eyes in surprise and look down, reach down and I grab it around it around its chest under the arms as it is coming out and pull my baby onto my chest my baby.... Oh . my . goodness. I think that was the most special moment ever. totally unexpected, totally by surprise, aah-mazing.
45 minutes....
seriously. in the hospital for 45 min. i would say count the driving time of when labour really started - an hour of real labour and if you want to get technical under 2 hours from the time my water broke unaware that anything was going on. that is rediculous. hands down, this is how labour should be. every time. period. peaceful, fast, easy. maybe this is how it was really designed, how he planned it, to be a beautiful quiet moment of entry in this world surrounded by His presence and love.
to end this wonderful story, you may all remember that we had no idea the gender of this little one. Something that killed me the entire time I was pregnant, I would have found out but with Luke really wanting it to be a surprise i gave it a go. The 9 months was full of emotional ups and downs, breakdowns, anxiety, acceptance. My goodness, what a horrible ride. But I see looking back it was something that God needed me to do, to talk to me about, to work through some things, expose areas of my heart, deal with judgements, ungodly beliefs, things he wanted to deal with waay down deep in my heart that were planted a long time ago that deeply impacted me and couldn't be fixed without this 9 months of the unknown. Here after such an emotionally dramatic pregnancy obsessed with the wonder of boy or girl, this perfect little genderless being is laying on my chest, I think to check but I stop myself and realize boy or girl, I don't care, I love YOU, I love you, I love you, I love you.
my mom: So what is this little baby? Noone has said yet?
[i snap out of my dreamy state, i just assumed it was a boy, they had been saying HE the whole time through labour 'SPOILER ALERT']
midwife: well sh... You know Daddy, why don't you check out what you have there?
Luke lifts a leg, both of us expecting to see a penis (from my angle I can't see anything but we were totally convinced we would have a boy) it takes him a second and in disbelief and a big smile on his face says "its a girl"
me: A GIRL!!!!??? (I PRETTY MUCH SCREAM)
I look at him, we kiss and we have matching goofy smiles on our faces, A GIRL!
best. surprise. of. my. life.
9:37 am A wonderful, perfect little girl is born into our lives, to bring us and teach us about Joy.
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| Makayla: meaning: Who is like God. (kind and compassionate, my little lamb but fierce like a lion) Elyse: meaning: God's Promise, Consecrated by God, God is my vow. |
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Labour Wisdom
the big event is coming up, 15 days and counting!!! and since my body seems to be doing its' thing baby is strategically planning it's exit inside of there I seem keep ending up with hours on end of practice labour how quickly my mind remembered some very familiar feelings i seem to have blocked out of the labour process. So i asked for labour wisdom, tips, all the best rolled into one and one of my friends said to me to re read what i recently wrote her when she was asking for labour tips. So I share. to pass along, to remind myself, to prepare for the up coming event... the key words I pass as wisdom are
- Educate yourself!!! I cannot stress this enough, educate yourself, read, absorb, everything you can, educate, educate, educate. Understand labour, the stages, the patterns during contractions and stages of labour, the way your body works, how long different stages often take (for instance, did you know that transition - the end - the hardest part - only takes up to 45 min and this is when a lot of people crash and choose epidural, but your almost done!! and it gets easier after transition, contractions back off, and change patterns ready for pushing. And trust me after all that labouring, pushing feels like a relief!) EDUCATE YOURSELF!! so that you can know how to work with it and not against it.
- invite the holy spirit into your labour and labour room - the presence of God was so thick in our room over the entire evening and every contraction it was amazing.
- on every contraction zone out and get into that place of worship, that unbelievable peaceful rest. Each contraction I would go to that place of rest, zone right out of reality and rest in that secret place almost like soaking,. breathing and unaware of what was happening in the natural realm (sounds kinda weird but totally the place to be).
- never let your brain understand the pain you are in in each contraction, it is mind over matter, getting through labour is the art of distraction, distract your mind from your pain receptors. for me it was a focusing on hand motions, and luke drawing on my arms.
- focus on breathing, opening up and going completely floppy and relaxed . In pain we naturally tighten up b/c it hurts, train your brain to change its responce mechanism and turn floppy on each contraction, zone out, breath, focus on opening up, and envisioning baby coming down the canal on each contraction, this way baby comes down easier and you arent fighting with your body with what it needs to do.
- use gravity to bring baby down so stay on your feet till the end or squatting, anything to bring that baby down on it's own and faster
- remember every contraction is doing something. so work with your body not against it to get baby out faster and easier.
- listen to your body, it tells you more than you know, and knowing what your body is doing and understanding it will help you get through each phase of labour and to the end. when focused you can actually even feel the direction the baby is coming down the canal, and on each push feel it come down further and further. amazing really.
- and finally pray that God shows little one the easiest way out. We would speak to Jack, listen to Papa Jack, let him show you the way down and out.
- Your body is designed and created to do this, the enemy loooves to play with fear that it will be hard and the wost thing ever, but you need to go in with the attitude of excitement, positivity and the conqueror he has created you to be. It is doable drug free. Not enough people told me this when going in. I'd say 95% said I was nuts for wanting to do no drugs and that I wouldn't be ablt to do it. Well they are wrong, and there isn't enough people in the worl to say YOU CAN DO IT!!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Bravely making changes... Day 71: Chronicles of a toddler and his big boy bed
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| JACK'S NEW BED *except it is a medium wood colour |
We figured since Operation Sianara Soother went so well, with little effect at all (other than the occassional babysitting the door when he is a little too wired for nap/bed), little man goes to bed without a hitch and like always back to sleeping right through, no issues. yeehaw. doesn't even talk about the soother. ssaawweeeet! so we thought we would try something else....
We bravely decided to revisit the big boy bed..
This week I found a bed from Kijiji that I have been saving my pennies for the past bit from Ikea. I'm talking the EXACT one, I could hardly believe it. Seeing as our current big boy bed frame proved to be a touch of a child hazard (Jacks head got stuck in the bars one day while playing.... OH CRAP!) Though appreciated the hand-me-down, we knew we needed to find another one, and I swooped it up for more than 1/2 the price it was selling for at the store.. I am sooo happy! We picked it up last night and talked to Jack about it and got him really excited about his NEW big boy bed! One that was not so big, just low enough to the ground that he doesn't have to use a step stool and that is really cute. I think it really is the perfect bed for him and we hoped for a smoother transition this time round.
Jack and Daddy even put it together together this early am (7:30!!) Jack was happy, excited, and bouncing around shouting, "MY NEW BIG BED!" (and on a whim) We even were brave enough to say goodbye to the crib!! (dare we??!!!) and Jack and Daddy got their tools out and took that one down too. WOW ok, all of those who have followed along on this bog boy bed journey know that this hasn't been an easy transition so to actually say good bye to the crib!!? WHAT ARE WE NUTS! This has been a long journey, every night faithfully reading books in the big bed (trying to get him used to it), then jack going to the crib/toddler bed, the after he falls asleep we transfer him to the big bed, every night so that he wakes up in the big bed every morning in hopes that he will finally choose to love it.
Needless to say, it hasn't worked and he has chosen the crib/toddler bed every time other than a few I can count on my hands. What was seeming to be hopeless, surrendering to the thought and soon reality of 2 cribs and a great mattress we had been given going to waste to sit in storage for a while, we somehow got the balls to try it again, try a new approach, we really had nothing to loose. 6 weeks till the new baby comes. I have got to try it now if I'm going to try it at all.
You know what? It worked.
He is asleep. on a nap. in his big bed.
After lunch, Luke put him down for nap and he jumped right out, looked around the room for his crib and said "where'd night night go?" (which is what he calls the crib) luke didn't respond just tried the regular routine as normal. Jack was a but squirmy and didn't want a book but jumped out of bed, so Luke put him back in and said "good night buddy, its nap time" and closed the door. Jack attempted escape a few time but gave up and stayed quiet on the floor. After about 5/10 min or so I went up to check on him, (this often happens, falls asleep in front of the door while planning his next escape) He wasn't quite asleep yet and when I opened the door, he got up and climbed into his new bed and said 'night night'.
I am so amazed, so shocked, so proud, I am smiling ear to ear. He likes his New big bed, and I think he's ready.
You know we looked at him just yesterday and said man oh man, you aren't a baby anymore, look at him, so big, he is a little boy now. I am so proud of him, I hope this time is no problem, b/c the next step is his new ROOM!! It is so weird to see him grow so fast, but he will ALWAYS be my baby :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Operation Sianara Soother a Great Success
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| photo credit: photosbytrayc.ca |
Day 7: Dare I say it? Dare I??? SUCCESS!!! I am so happy to say that even though there has really been no fight since Day 1, I think it is safe to say that Operation Soother is a great success. I am so proud of my little man, so proud that he threw it away, gave it up, decided that soothers are no longer required in life :) Naps and bed have been mostly smooth, it takes a little longer for him to go down b/c he doesn't have the magical drug of soother to instantly settle him, but he is happy, he goes to bed without a fight (minus today's nap b/c he was wired but that doesn't ask), and he doesn't even really ask for it. The Soother has become a thing of the past! I am relieved that he is napping still. I am relieved that this was so smooth, I am relieved that this happened before the baby came, before we changed to the new room. I LOVE that this sweet little face will never be covered with a plastic suckee in his mouth ever again! Hooorraaaahhhh for a sootherless Toddler!!
Operation Sianara Soother: Day 6
no excitement to report today,
nap, cried for 5 min then went to sleep.
bedtime he was so wired but still fell asleep without a fight just babbling and talking to himself for sometime and for the first time didn't ask for the soother at all.
yeehaaaw.
nap, cried for 5 min then went to sleep.
bedtime he was so wired but still fell asleep without a fight just babbling and talking to himself for sometime and for the first time didn't ask for the soother at all.
yeehaaaw.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
morning wake up
This morning I woke up to a small person climbing over me, into my bed to snuggle in between me and Luke. He was fully equipped with dirty dog and climbing under the covers fully intending to sleep there. lol. It was 5 am. As sweet as this was and how big of a smile it brought to my face and accepted if it were 7 am. Its just not happening at 5. lol. Luke picked him up gave him lots of snuggles and out him back in his bed. Man it was cute what a great wake up.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Operation Sianara Soother: Day 5
Well Mommy and Daddy are both at work today so that means Jack is at daycare. I felt unsure as to what would happen without the soother today for her, unsure if he would be totally fine or milk it b/c he thinks that maybe she would give in. I was happy to hear good reports, pretty easy for her, and she is tough, a cry for "SAAAANNNNDDEEEEEE SOOOTTTHERRRRRR" but with a simple response of the soother is in the garbage, he asked again SAAANNNNDDDEEEE SOOOOTHER" she replied "Carter (his best bud) doesn't have a soother", Jack said "Carter soother gone?" she said "Yup he's a big boy and so are you, soother is in the garbage, goodnight" and closed the door. "WAAAHHHHHHHH" but by the time she was at the bottom of the stairs, he was asleep.
NICE!!!
Bedtime: Jack has been bouncing like a sugar high monkey for the past hour and i'm not really sure why since he never had any sugar.. We read his books and off he has gone to bed. not to sleep but to bed. i could hear him babbling away in his room. I hear silence at the moment but he isn't crying or upset, perhaps asleep by the time I finished writing this. When going to bed he talked about his soother being in the garbage and when Luke picked him up to have a snuggle and put him down he asked once for it, but with no complaints we just ignore the request and out the door Luke and I went.
So I do hear quiet now, seems just a few short sentences written and as fast as he is jumping on the bed he is asleep on it.
As exhausted as we are today, (no sleep last night, sick dog, vomit, poo and pee everywhere, long day at work, more poo when we return, busy child, dinner, cleaning, just wanting the noise to stop and us sit down) I can't help but get a big smile, I am so proud, and HE IS SO FREAK'N CUTE.
NICE!!!
Bedtime: Jack has been bouncing like a sugar high monkey for the past hour and i'm not really sure why since he never had any sugar.. We read his books and off he has gone to bed. not to sleep but to bed. i could hear him babbling away in his room. I hear silence at the moment but he isn't crying or upset, perhaps asleep by the time I finished writing this. When going to bed he talked about his soother being in the garbage and when Luke picked him up to have a snuggle and put him down he asked once for it, but with no complaints we just ignore the request and out the door Luke and I went.
So I do hear quiet now, seems just a few short sentences written and as fast as he is jumping on the bed he is asleep on it.
As exhausted as we are today, (no sleep last night, sick dog, vomit, poo and pee everywhere, long day at work, more poo when we return, busy child, dinner, cleaning, just wanting the noise to stop and us sit down) I can't help but get a big smile, I am so proud, and HE IS SO FREAK'N CUTE.
Operation Sianara Soother: Day 4
I am happy to announce it has still be smooth sailing. He still asks when he goes to bed but easily forgets when you tell him its in the garbage. YEAAH!! I am jumping inside with happiness! I honestly thought yesterday for the first time, wow this was not nearly as hard as I thought, what was I afraid of? hmm maybe the same stubbornness we went through with the bed, sleepless nights, insane crying, temper tantrums, all of the above. but Luke was prepared for all of that, even if I wasn't and I'm so glad that he made me stick to my word about doing this.
Day 4:
Naptime: Went down a bit late b/c we were at church, we had a bit of a cry but again in only lasted about 30 seconds before he just went to sleep.
Bedtime: Nothing eventful either, but after a looong day of church and Easter and family and happy child, we weren't even home till 9pm, which is an hour and a half past bed time. I was suprised that he didn't fall asleep in the car but happily sang twinkle twinkle all the way home. When we arrived he asked for books and the soother, but again reminded it is in the garbage and after saying goodnight within minutes he went to sleep.
Today (Day 5) He is off to daycare, we told our sitter how we have responded so far, we hope it goes smooth for her too. We had Jack tell her where he put the soother, he excitedly exclaimed, "IN THE JABAGE!!!" So she made a big deal too how he is such a big boy! and Jack was happy.
One thing I have noticed as a real positive is that he doesn't have any grumpy wake ups any more. He used to a few days a week have a period of time that it took him to wake up after a nap or nighttime. He would sit with a grumpy look on his face and not want to fully wake up or talk much and when you took the soother or asked him to put it in his bed he would grump at you, cry or fit. Since the soother has been gone, he has woken up happy as a bug on every wake up. Today he said "Morning mommy! come on lets play!" and headed downstairs. What an a wonderful change! When telling my dad this yesterday he said how funny it was that when you remove addiction from your life what a difference it can make. I never would have thought of this at all but really it has been an amazing difference. It was weird to come across one today and instantly throw it out before he could see it and I can honestly say I am ready to look for all the soothers in the house, car, diaper bags, emergency places and throw them out. I am confident that they are gone from life, at least until we decide to introduce one to the new baby, if we do.. still gonna play that one by ear.
Still wondering when he forgets about it and stops asking but at least there are no fits and bedtimes are smooth. GO JACK!
Day 4:
Naptime: Went down a bit late b/c we were at church, we had a bit of a cry but again in only lasted about 30 seconds before he just went to sleep.
Bedtime: Nothing eventful either, but after a looong day of church and Easter and family and happy child, we weren't even home till 9pm, which is an hour and a half past bed time. I was suprised that he didn't fall asleep in the car but happily sang twinkle twinkle all the way home. When we arrived he asked for books and the soother, but again reminded it is in the garbage and after saying goodnight within minutes he went to sleep.
Today (Day 5) He is off to daycare, we told our sitter how we have responded so far, we hope it goes smooth for her too. We had Jack tell her where he put the soother, he excitedly exclaimed, "IN THE JABAGE!!!" So she made a big deal too how he is such a big boy! and Jack was happy.
One thing I have noticed as a real positive is that he doesn't have any grumpy wake ups any more. He used to a few days a week have a period of time that it took him to wake up after a nap or nighttime. He would sit with a grumpy look on his face and not want to fully wake up or talk much and when you took the soother or asked him to put it in his bed he would grump at you, cry or fit. Since the soother has been gone, he has woken up happy as a bug on every wake up. Today he said "Morning mommy! come on lets play!" and headed downstairs. What an a wonderful change! When telling my dad this yesterday he said how funny it was that when you remove addiction from your life what a difference it can make. I never would have thought of this at all but really it has been an amazing difference. It was weird to come across one today and instantly throw it out before he could see it and I can honestly say I am ready to look for all the soothers in the house, car, diaper bags, emergency places and throw them out. I am confident that they are gone from life, at least until we decide to introduce one to the new baby, if we do.. still gonna play that one by ear.
Still wondering when he forgets about it and stops asking but at least there are no fits and bedtimes are smooth. GO JACK!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Operation Sianara Soother Day 3
So here we start day 3, Jack slep the night last night no problems and woke up at 7am ready to play as usual. He asks every now and then about the soother, but no major issues that its gone.
Naptime: We all went to a birthday party today for a friends daughter, Jack loved it, had tons of fun and was very tired on the way home. He went to bed with what i thought was ease, asked about the soother, we reminded him that he put it in the garbage, he laid down and I went to the basement to do one more load of laundy while Luke ran to the store. When I came up 5 min later I still heard silence till i sat down... i began to hear him singing to himslef, talking, giggling, then what sounded like possible climbing? and playing with something that didn't sound like toys.. i left it, he is quiet, he will fall asleep. the noise continued, then about 10 minutes later CRASH! and WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I went upstairs to see what was going on to find a crying little boy holding his head saying "MAMA BONKEEE HEAD!!" The blinds were open and curtains wide open and sun streaming in the window. i settled him down, pull the blinds back down, and close the curtains, i tell him its time for a nap, he cries but doesn't ask for the soother. Finally its quiet, but i can hear him tossing and turning in the bed through the monitor.
An hour passes, he is still awake. Luke came home from the store suprised he is still awake but reminded me that Jack discovered the loot bag from the birthday party had jube jubes in it (that we didn't know were in there) and we caught him eating them all in the car (he has never had anything like this. lol) that explains it.. HE'S WIRED. nap time cancelled. We'll try again tomorrow.
Bedtime: Well seeing as there was MUCH excitement in the Sinnott Household this afternoon, (Uncle Matt came to put in new lights for Jack and the baby's new rooms, the first step to our construction of the nursery) Jack couldn't even think about being sleepy. A day with no nap as never actually happened so I was kind of dreading how terribly grumpy and tired he would be, but Matt was waay to interesting for him and with so much "fix it" stuff, Jack had to join in with his tools along side with Uncle Matt and Daddy. (it was adorable, 'Uncle Matt, Uncle Matt, LOOK i fix it!") They finished just in time as bed was approaching. We read books, and knowing how tired Jack was, I knew he wouldn't even notice the soother missing, I was right, he fell asleep right away.
So far this isn't so bad and I know it could definitely be worse. I just keep praying for Grace. I hope that it continues this way and that he soon stops asking about it. He went from always asking and stealing it from his bed during the day and not letting go in the mornings and after nap (as soothers were a sleep only thing for us), to not talking about it at all and only asking when he goes to bed but when we remind him that he threw it away that seems to be a good enough answer for him. SO on goes the adventure. Thank you Jesus for Grace.
Naptime: We all went to a birthday party today for a friends daughter, Jack loved it, had tons of fun and was very tired on the way home. He went to bed with what i thought was ease, asked about the soother, we reminded him that he put it in the garbage, he laid down and I went to the basement to do one more load of laundy while Luke ran to the store. When I came up 5 min later I still heard silence till i sat down... i began to hear him singing to himslef, talking, giggling, then what sounded like possible climbing? and playing with something that didn't sound like toys.. i left it, he is quiet, he will fall asleep. the noise continued, then about 10 minutes later CRASH! and WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I went upstairs to see what was going on to find a crying little boy holding his head saying "MAMA BONKEEE HEAD!!" The blinds were open and curtains wide open and sun streaming in the window. i settled him down, pull the blinds back down, and close the curtains, i tell him its time for a nap, he cries but doesn't ask for the soother. Finally its quiet, but i can hear him tossing and turning in the bed through the monitor.
An hour passes, he is still awake. Luke came home from the store suprised he is still awake but reminded me that Jack discovered the loot bag from the birthday party had jube jubes in it (that we didn't know were in there) and we caught him eating them all in the car (he has never had anything like this. lol) that explains it.. HE'S WIRED. nap time cancelled. We'll try again tomorrow.
Bedtime: Well seeing as there was MUCH excitement in the Sinnott Household this afternoon, (Uncle Matt came to put in new lights for Jack and the baby's new rooms, the first step to our construction of the nursery) Jack couldn't even think about being sleepy. A day with no nap as never actually happened so I was kind of dreading how terribly grumpy and tired he would be, but Matt was waay to interesting for him and with so much "fix it" stuff, Jack had to join in with his tools along side with Uncle Matt and Daddy. (it was adorable, 'Uncle Matt, Uncle Matt, LOOK i fix it!") They finished just in time as bed was approaching. We read books, and knowing how tired Jack was, I knew he wouldn't even notice the soother missing, I was right, he fell asleep right away.
So far this isn't so bad and I know it could definitely be worse. I just keep praying for Grace. I hope that it continues this way and that he soon stops asking about it. He went from always asking and stealing it from his bed during the day and not letting go in the mornings and after nap (as soothers were a sleep only thing for us), to not talking about it at all and only asking when he goes to bed but when we remind him that he threw it away that seems to be a good enough answer for him. SO on goes the adventure. Thank you Jesus for Grace.
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