its funny i have waited b/c i seem to have been waiting for the profound meaning behind all of this and after nearly 9 months it hasn't come clear until now. If you want to read the births of my first two, here they are! Jack and Makayla. But for today here is the story of how our wee little man came to this world. what a dude. I love this kid.
perfect timing. he knows you better than you know yourself.
this has to be the most stressful end of my pregnancy, just waiting. WAITING for it all to happen. I didn't have peace, I was so anxious. Filled with constant worry, where were these kids going to be, was it going to be fast again, was my husband going to be there, would i be alone? will i have warning? would i be in a car? Only certain days of availabilty for sitters, large gaps in on on call family or friends and a husband that works over an hour away and no hospital close by. i drove my husband nuts texting calling freaking out. False alarms, feeling anxious - not a good start for labour or a productive labour at that. At 37 weeks the fear began knowing it was coming soon as it was when my first 2 were born. stress causes contractions, so painful practice labour consistently all the time causing luke to rush home from work nearly every day. After explaining the situation to a very understanding boss, she told him to just stay home until after the baby was born. some peace set in. i would have days of contractions and nothing progressed. 37 weeks passed, 38, 39, i talked to my midwife, AHHH!! i was going crazy. I couldn't believe it, how was i still pregnant!? I had never been on time, always early!! she said my body is actually going into labour but baby isn't low enough, (which she laughed and called 3rd baby syndrome) it never fully engaged just stayed floating above my pelvis which my body would just not do what it needed to do b/c no baby head on my cervix to tell it to go. This hard working body would get so tired after 24-36 hours of contractions and just stop.. until one evening...
39+6 weeks... tomorrow is my due date. I have given up being in control of when this baby is coming by now. I am just going to have to wait. during the day i have more contractions AGAIN, This has become old news, i live in a constant state of "labour' like I did with jack. i was so used to this now but it being nothing but surely something would happen soon. i felt gigantic (well. i was) i was not looking forward to labour this time, i couldn't let myself surrender to it all i just kept holding onto fear. i wimpered through contractions, i cried i felt defeated before i even started. the first 2 labours had been fairly easy - they were focused and intense but doable. i had had 2 warrior births that i rocked naturally and this time I was just so tired. How could I do this? This day the kids were making me nuts and I was so tired by 4pm I was just done. I called my inlaws to take them i needed peace. I need to rest. this wasn't a the baby is coming!! call, i was just I'm tired.
they come and take them and i am miserable. lol the kids were gone now. there is just quiet! thank goodness!!! i honestly don't remember now what happened the rest of the night. (i really should have written this right away..) i just remember calling the midwife with random contractions in the evening they were so hard today but nothing consistent. all over the place 5 min, 20 min 10 min, 30 min but SO HARD. she told me to take a bath, she didn't think this was it, it would likely be in the next few days but not now. she thought it was just early labour, not active yet. I took a bath, time went on and nothing stopped or regulated just kept being weird and hard. i didn't feel good about it. I called her again, she wasn't coming out my way and looked at all the factors timing etc and decided i'm going to the hospital something isn't right. the hospital was 30 + minutes away, i felt like id rather be there early than have a baby in a car. makayla came out of nowhere in under an hour, i didn't feel good about risking it.
when you're pregnant don't second guess your instinct. your instinct that something is wrong, the instinct that you think you might need to push or in my case, get to a hospital! and some advice, be prepared. check out where you are going, the route(ours was under construction), what entrances are actually open in the middle of the night etc, etc. we found ourselves in the middle of the night at the back of the hospital where parking was, for every entrance to be locked, the elevators shut down, climbing flights of stairs, and hills (thanks guelph hospital built on a hill) and running in circles for over an hour with random contractions taking me to the ground just trying to find my way to labour and delivery.
Back to my story.. i signed into the hospital at 1am, and finally found my way up to labour and delivery again due to said restrictions and compilations at the hospital and after talking and settling in and all the rest by1:45ish the midwife checked me, and sure enough she said 'i'm sorry i didn't think you were in active labour you're 3 cm. i think its soon its just not yet.' UGGG NOT YET!!??? She tried to stretch and sweep but just said baby will come just try to got home and rest. I said I wasn't going home with contractions like these these are worse than both my other 2 labours something isn't right. so at about 10 after 2am I went for a walk around the hospital. 3 cm how could i only be 3 cm!! what was happening here!!
I was in a terrible state to have a baby, I was frustrated, I was bugged by the pain of the contractions, I hated that I kept finding places that smelled like cigarettes (in the hospital!?? really!!??) i find myself fighting every contraction, keeping a calm exterior but feeling beat inside. Frustrated feeling This was not like my first labours at all! i couldn't surrender, I felt defeated and i continued to let fear take hold of me. Until finally I chose. i had to I had to let go. I felt a contraction coming and told myself to suck it up because We are getting through this. I squatted right into that next contraction and boom my Water broke, baby came down and contractions didn't stop. they took me by surprise to my hands and knees on the hospital hallway floor. they came fast and hard, one after another without a break just constant its like i jumped right into transition without any real labour. i tried to walk but every step i just had to go to the wall or the floor they just took me off my feet. holy crap this baby was coming. before i knew it a wheelchair hearing 'her baby's come fast, get her out of the hallway, this baby can't be born here' and suddenly wheeling me down the hall fast to enter a room. my husband sets up my ipod, i love music while worship while i'm labouring. and how funny very time, God syncs the most significant songs and speaks right to my heart in them every time.. God knows. the worship music playing 'i'm no longer a slave to fear, i am a child of God' what truth. I won't be slave to fear. i finally completely gave in to labour. stopped fighting and zoned in and everything became a blur yet strangely focused and I let go, let fgo of fear, let go of pain, let go of anxiety. I just worshiped leaning over the side of the bed, got lost in it and just breathed. the pain was gone. i was at peace, i breathed out every contraction, blowing out the pain each one and it felt good.
I was in transition and i knew it. baby was almost here. She had to check me to see where i was, such a short period of time had gone by but i knew it was time. my contractions had changed and i needed to push. she checked, baby still hadn't come down but i was a stretchy 7-10 cm so she just said push. i followed her pushing instruction b/c he came so fast, literally no waiting just a few pushes and one very clear one - it has happened with every birth, suddenly you know, like this natural instinct comes over you with super strength and energy knowing this push is the push, i looked up at my mom and with such clarity said 'hes coming' and was i right. 2:32am he literally came flying out of there, so fast with all the water that came, that the midwife said it was like a slip and slide (lol) and almost didn't catch him. There was something prophetic about how he came, though my water broke, there was water above and below him, that hes is such a carrier or gods presence just surrounded that he will come unexpectedly and fast and flow and move with God's presence wherever he goes.
He was born to the bethel song 'you don't miss a thing'
after an overwhelming season, tiresome pregnancy, so much fear and anxiety leading to this moment. there could not be a better song to be playing at this exact moment, and in a crowd of ten thousand. you don't miss a thing.. gosh this resonates with me. as many of you might know. Benton was a massive surprise for us. but what an amazing thing for God to speak deep into my heart, i don't miss anything. I know you better than you know yourself. This is the family I planned, and this little warrior is gonna take it by storm. Benton teaches me about being fearless. About when you are afraid to let go even in the most difficult things in life. trust God. When you do, he is there to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding and it becomes easy.
He came in joy as i held him for the first time and began laughing feeling his little package in my hand under his bum. "I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!" (we didn't know the gender- but i sure did right away! lol) And he has been a joy bomb every day since. My goodness our little grace baby so sweet and full of life and joy. He is perfect for us in every way.
Our little Benton Huxley Sinnott
His name is so different but so many combinations of names and things we loved and talked about and prophetic calling and who He is.
The image I saw when I was pregnant with him was a humming bird. I didn't understand this image until I looked up what a hummingbird symbolized. 'Appearing out of no where, bringer of Joy. It shines iridescent as it pauses to drink the nectar of the flower that provides for it. The hummingbird symbolizes all things good. It symbolizes courage, determination, flexibility and adaptability. Though it is small it has the courage of a lion. It is a totem of fearlessness and represents lightness of being. '
Now here we are, it took me ages to get things clear on what God was saying about all of this and my goodness, so many amazing words and clarity and parallels but he is 17 months old now and today is the perfect tday to finish this. My little b. I love you.