Thursday, September 28, 2017

I expected to feel dissapointed. no matter ho much i prayed i expected to be let down. for them not to be heard to have turned a blind eye to. not less than 3 weeks ago we walked into an apointment strong and confident, expecting to hear its nothing, there is no cancer. But we were wrong. In total shock.

disappointment. 
let down. 
why?  what? 
but.. we felt so much peace. 

-enter lies and the game of he loves me, he loves me not-

as I got in the car to leave for jacks appointment I felt defeated already.

whats the point? 
its going to come back more problems, there is always more problems. 
we are never going to see then end of this. 

i watched my sons face drop at his last appointment with the words more surgery floating in the air. more. i prayed and prayed and prayed but i have prayed so much that when is it heard? why does this little boy have to go through all of this? i got into the car and recognizing these feelings instead of holding them in I changed the recipe and took off the armor and vulnerably sent out an sos.

i feel hopeless in this situation.  

as i drove i began to pray in the car. god i feel hopeless in this. that it will never stop. that even though he seems ok, and not sick and hearing well, they will tell me there are more problems. that he will need another surgery, that you will not heal him. that it will never be the end. please, prove me wrong.  

i am realizing all of the area i have been feeling hopeless. makaylas battle with her skin, benton getting hurt all the time, luke and cancer, jack and his ears. Will we never see the end? crying out with no response.

Do you believe that God is good all the time?  

last night, calling out the boldness, speaking in truth and demolishing lies. what is the lie? 

god will disappoint me. 

this stops me from really diving into him. stops me from trusting, believing. what an amazing strategy to keep me from him. it makes me afraid. it causes me to stop, to be cautious, to hold me back. it stops me from taking his hand in the wheat fields and running together.

the truth is you are good.  you are good you are good you are good.


 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

i have clear memories of painting with joy at an easle at the harbourfront center. My mother used ro bring me there as a child. Id stand at the easle and be free my 3 or 4 year old self happy as happy can be.

Last week i posted on IG a quote that said "the worst enemy of creativity is self doubt"  I put it out there because thats how I was feeling that day.  That's how I can feel many days, in fact I've struggled with it most of my life. Not adding up, not being enough, not making the cut. I have most recently in a maturity of some of my creativity finding myself absolutely brutal with myself. In my success beating myself up for the tiniest of faults.  It has led to hard work and great successes but negatively a perfection that I cant live up to myself. When I had my first baby I realized how I could not live up to this at all not anymore and had to begin letting go. I couldnt balance all the balls and one by one watched them topple  and fall to the ground.  I began to let go of perfectionism and the house and the laundry and dirty dishes. I did what I could to survive and though ok for a while, not enough has crept its way back in and reminded me every day for years that I am not doing it all very well. That I mess up, that I'm letting people down,  that others can balance work and life and kids with ease but you are a failure. You are not enough. You cant do it. You are a mess. 

This leads to a really viscuous cycle. balancing all the balls, letting them crash, trying, doing your best but not meeting your own expectations, falling into depression, or anger, taking it out on the people you love,  beating yourself up for messing it up, and not being able to take any critisism thrown your way.

Last night the balls fell. over something so small as the kids fighting to eat dinner. It was a mess. I was a mess. but words spoken out caused me to be more than angry and just start to devour everything in site. monster. when i realized what i was doing to stopped and looked back. how can this be happening. to try your best and detroy your efforts. i am reminded of hearing words out of an orphan heart or out of a healed heart. What was being shown to me wasn't wrong, but how come I couldnt hear it. I heard it this time. something needed to change.  Within the next 30 minutes 2 people emailed me one that was a similar situation with a friend and her spouse but the other side of it, i needed to read this, to see the effects my actions had on people. words arent just words. i feel like i grew up not seeing the impact of them. that it was ok to fly off the handle and never apologize, that the words meant nothing when the emotions drove the bus.

Many things have been adding up to come to a head, many areas of my life coming to a peak of moving forward crossing the lines of vulnerability and fear of the the unknown.

bring fire to the rain

you bring calm to the storm.
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe.
and i love you god.

as i sing this song i see a picture of myself singing on my knees, arm stretched out the wind blowing as the wheat dances around me so gently as i sing my heart out to the Lord.

Calm the storm.

driving in the car today i began to think about all that is happening in the world,  Hurricane Irma taking out entire countries leaving nothing but destruction in its path. I began to pray. pray for the people and then heard on the radio bring fire to the rain and I saw a picture of God with his hand help out signalling  stop. it created a force field like dome holding the storm and chaos away from people. among the destruction ministering angels arms wrapped around surrounded people in the aftermath but they were being held praying peace in the midst of destruction.

- you bring calm to the storm. -

i began to pray that this picture is and will be reality that this is what god was doing. I saw him holding the storm away, holding barriers of the water and wind to no longer cause destruction there and pushing it away.

- you bring calm to the storm - 


...

today we found out that luke has skin cancer again.  in 3 weeks a plastic surgeon will cut out this poisonous life stealer out his precious face.  we didn't expect it this time. we expected to hear this spot is nothing. we had peace.

cancer.

no matter how light or serious, it shakes you up. like a giant hurricane ripping through your house, your life, your home. it feels like a theif, it feels invasive,  like a pit in your stomach, like you cant quite catch your breath, my heart speeds up when i think about it entering my family again.  feelings on shock and fear and destruction left in its path. 




im pressing into the words you bring life to me. your the air that i breathe.

holy spirit come.  bring calm to the storm of all these mixed up emotions that we are feeling right now.  bring us peace.

you can find me in the wheat fields singing songs of hope.

you bring calm to the storm
you bring life to me.
your the air that i breathe,
and i love you god.

bring fire to this rain Lord.