Thursday, October 28, 2010


it's been a while since I've done some visual studies and practiced my creative gifts on anything other than what God has been showing me. Not that that is not a bad thing but just maybe just time it give it a go on other things too. So here I start, visual studies.. i have a few different ideas, maybe they fly and i paint furiously or they are done slowly with patience. we;ll see but i'm excited in the meantime to play.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Well as quickly as I am frustrated i am a happy momma again (i sound a bit crazy I think...) Funny how just one afternoon out of the house can change my whole person. Luke's parents are away so this means I GET A CAR!! ohhhhhhh HAAAALELUUUIAH!!! You have no idea how nice this is for me. To be able to leave if I need to rather than be trapped in this house all day. All my sadness turns happy as i drive through the gorgeous fall leaves in a whirlwind surrounding me. It gave me a chance to just breathe. Rethink, gather myself together and just catch a breath in my feelings of hostility, anxiety and hopelessness. Jack was happy to be out too. As stir crazy as I go, he must get sick of looking at the same thing, the same toys, the same songs and games too. We went to WAL-MART! Yes very exciting, but i watched him, man i am lucky. I really do have a little man happy as a bug, he smiles at everyone that goes by, rides the stroller like it's a horse, slapping the side as if to make it go faster. He loves to touch everything, arms leaned faaaaar out trying to catch the clothing and colourful packages and toys as he goes past. He yells, baaaabbaaaaaa, daaaaddaaaaaaa, mmmmmaaaaaamaaaaa down empty isles. He brings a smile to my face. This kid is the best. He has had a snotty nose like crazy for the past 2 days and I think this is part of what has been making him miserable, but through it, he still tries to be happy. and i have been missing just that... I did some reading on ear infections, and the more I read, the more i am convinced. So were are flushing them out right now, trying to clear them up so the dr can see in them. But this would explain the grumpiness, not sleeping well, hating to go to sleep or lie down in general, the hitting his ears, not eating well or nursing. Poor guy. my frustration has gotten to me and I forgot how to be compassionate. Well.. Mommy is back. and mommy feels better. at least for now. I just sat and thought for a minute about what i had written earlier, needing to surrender so that i can recieve and trust what God has for me, that it is training for the next step, for something bigger. Maybe I needed to be broken so I could get past it and get strong, with His power, not my own.

White Flag waving..

Lately mommyhood has been hard. It feels like the newborn stage all over again but with a louder, more demanding cry. I feel like the kid in the movie "wanted" where he is punched in the face repetitvely to break him, so that he surrenders his own will and trusts in the ways of the 'the fraternity' in preperation of whats to come. (i'm sure there is something very significant in this)

9 months old and I have the happiest little monkey around. He is hilarious, he is the cutest freak'n little guy ever. I cannot resist his smiles and silly giggles, the way he crawls to me saying mamma Or how he explores everything! He is a serious curious george. I am so proud and love him so much. He is sooo stink'n ticklish it's hilarious. He is smart, I mean so smart it's scary and everyone's best friend, a little charmer, makes everyone smile and laugh and tells me what a wonderful baby he is. And don't get me wrong he is 90% of the time, but as high as his highs are, his lows are low. He is a very vocal baby.. he can scream out anyone and it leaves me unsure of what to do... Once he starts up, I can't stop him. He is he strong, he can squirm his way out of any hold in a fit, making it impossible to settle him and just hold him close. This has been my life for the past few weeks, fighting with a baby usually around 3pm, screaming his brains out. The dr thinks his recent waking in the night has to do with food/hunger and a possible ear infection, o we started to feel him alot more during the day and the past 2 nights he actually slept through. This is a start but I am exhausted, even though it's only 1 hour or so of the day. It takes everything from me. I am beat up. I feel like I am trying to be broken.

I surrender.

I'm not sure to who or what but i just surrender. All my efforts can feel wasted, I am a stressed out mess most days rounding 3/4pm i just want to hide in my room with the covers over my head and cry. This got hard again. I don't feel strong. Within minutes I just have to walk away. I get frustrated, I give up, I cry.

"Heather you are more than a conquerer" I don't feel it. Not lately, not ever. I am trying to manage with joy but instead feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

Mommies any advice on how to cope, how to get through even the hardest days or seasons?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mountain Movers Conference, Catch the Fire

It was a conference this week again this week!!! Waahooo this means people take my baby and I get to paint! Jack was such a smiley little happy man making everyone laugh and trying to climb on 'soakers' on the floor. (ahh jeez) I enjoyed this conference more than any other conference i have ever been to. I was sooo blessed by Heidi Baker & Johnny Enlow (who is this guy and where did he come from? what an amazing, refreshing speaker!) Jesus broke my heart for the poor and the broken. I'm think there is much more to blog on this.. there is a deep work going on in my heart right right now.

On Friday I had the great opertunity to paint!! morning and afternoon sessions of worship, the sessions felt waay to short and so I just stayed on the stage to paint paint paint my heart out. The first piece

"The lantern"
24 x 36
mixed media

We are carriers of the light, carriers of His Glory, His presence all the while, he is holding us.

"The Potter"
24 x 36
mixed media

hmm God has been talking to me alot about the Potter, how he molds us and shapes us. Each unique, each made by his Hand and pressed his fingerprint deep in us. I searched for images that showed the intimacy that i was seeing, that i couldn't seem to quite grasp, I found it, and painted it. and I love it.

It was suuch a great day, full of blessing and such a wonderful time creating. I can't wait till the next chance i get.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

is it weird that I love the smell of fresh ink on a wood cut?
and the motion of inking that perfect plate..
or that I find bags of paint and chalk, markers and brushes exciting?
that handmade papers, make my mind spin with inspiration.

is it weird that new ideas can blossom out of simply nothingness?

i love "fragile" stickers
and bubble wrap
and packing up paintings to leave my house.
I love to pray over them, that the bless people and serve their purpose,
that they heal people and change lives.
That Jesus meets them.
That where they hang is full of His presence and intoxicating love.

is it weird that I want more kindness in the world?
more people to just love others,
more people that are truely, genuine and kind.
compassionate and actually care about other people.
strangers that hold open doors
and smile in passing.
more friends that don't wear masks,
that are kind, unique and love jesus.
that want to invest in each other.

is it weird that I just love to worship?
that I am passionately in pursuit of His Heart.
that I am never satisfied,
and always hungry and excited for more.
is it weird that I want to live in complete abandonment
and in the glory of his presence?

i love the smell of fresh sheets out of the laundry.
and the warmth of the sun on my skin.
i love that little things make me happy.

i love that I am loved...
and I love to be loved.

Friday, October 15, 2010

L - O - V - E

This is a new piece I painted recently for a friend. It spoke so much to me I almost didn't want to let it go. Love love love lovE love.. God just poured into my heart and into my spirit, I love you I love you I love you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

ask yourself

Today, what did I do for my mind?
my body?
my spirit?
my relationship?
my creativity?
my passion?

quote from Grace Hester

Friday, October 8, 2010


my student loans are paid off!!! HOLY CRAP! 4 years and $60,000 later. I have it paid. I feel on top of the world. - that is all -

Monday, October 4, 2010

how do you get over past hurt?
those things that burn deep in you... that are hard to forget..
the things you wish never happened, the things you can't take back or just wish happened differently.
the things that no matter how many time you replay it in your mind you can just never even see how it turned to something so sour.

its interesting how one look can change your entire day. your entire feeling, your mentality. how can one person have so much control over you? that they can make you feel so bad you aren't yourself for days. that they can hurt you without even saying a thing.