December 3rd

i began creating this last year. I was pregnant and had just been put on bedrest because I was going into early labour. I was 28 weeks pregnant, I was stressed, freaking out and scared about if Jack was ok. I just kept running over the situation in my mind and all the what ifs', living with a premie in the hospital born nearly 2.5 months early and all of the complications and fears associated with it. I just kept pressing into God. Hoping that he'd shine a light on the whole situation. He told me to rest in him. "Those who live in the shelter of the most high God will find rest in Him. He will sheild you with his wings, he will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armour and protection." Someone sent me an email and spoke into his spirit, 'little one, God has been with you in the secret place since the moment you were formed." What a beautiful word, it gave me peace and really got me through learning to rest over the next 10 weeks while i was on bedrest. "December 3rd" was born through all of this. It has been painted in layers since then. Unsure of what the finished piece would look like. it's still not finished, I will continue to wait, listen and paint as I feel led.

worship is a way of life

a new season

hmm a new season of creativity perhaps?

I suddenly want to put down my paintbrush and create other stuff..
i have a desire to just make silly stuff, take pics, I kinda want to learn how to crotchet.

I found this, aaaand I am obsessed with it.

I think this obsession started with a new hat I found in a little shop in wiarton. A friend of mine and I purchased these cute little crotchet baby hats with owls on them. I love it. The coming fall my little man will be soo stink'n cute sport'n and little who' owl on his little head.

Then 2 other friends, make all these great things and it got me think'n I WANNA MAKE STUFF TOO!!! So here I enter a new season.
I still want to paint. I still will paint, but perhaps gone are the days where I get uptight and stress about new collections. I want to rest, just be' and enjoy this new season of creating in complete freedom without expectation. It is a season of reconnecting, of growing, of just making stuff.

TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST

I have been wanting to post this for some time but it hasn't seemed like the right timing. today I was reminded of this and I think I needed to remember. when I start to doubt him God just shows me over and over how faithful he is. I need to continue to remember, Looking at January and praying and hoping I don't have to go back to work, God keeps saying to me, Trust me heather, just trust me. I was recently painting at a conference in Toronto and God showed me a picture of a fathers hand and a child holding just his finger. He said to me, Like a child, Trust me Heather. After I am done I walk off the stage and into the nursery to nurse my little jack. A woman walks in sits down beside me and pulls out a cheque book, buys the piece on the spot no more that 10 minutes of leaving the stage. The piece is called 'TRUST'. It screams in my ears, TRUST ME, i am in controll. Larter on that day I am on stage cleaning up my paints and packing up the painting and look at it again, I can't help but laugh and how good is God? I hear it again, just trust me. A man and his wife walk onto the stage beside me and begin to talk to me, they are interested in the piece but tell them it is already sold. I give them a buisness card and tell them to check out my site, and say casually "if your really interested in this one, I'm sure I could paint another... " not expecting anything he says, "done" with out even asking the price "honey can you get the chequebook" ummm WHAT!? i hear it again, trust me heather, trust me. I am freaking, i am holding a months worh of paycheques in my hands, exactly when we need it. God is amazing. To make an even longer story short, I get home to recieve an email in my inbox, a woman has just come home from the conference she would also like the piece to buy for a friend that came to the conference to buy as a wedding present - ORDER # 3 and later that week another family, wanting it as a gift. - ORDER # 4. Order #5 comes in when a store in Orangeville is interested in hanging it in their store. (Sell in Jesus name!) ok now, God has the tendincy to smack me in the face with things when I really need to hear them. If this isn't coming through loud and clear, I don't know what would. He is just so great that way. So I'm listening, I still struggling with remembering to trust him, but I'm making progress, thanks Papa for always taking care of us, especially when we don't expect it.

michael steingard photography

my little man, 1 week away from 7 months old, bum shuffling, drooling buckets, has 2 teeth, and is a whopping 20 lbs 7 oz and 28 1'2" long!! nearly the size of a 1 year old. I am so proud, I love this kid more than I ever realized you could love someone. He's such a great gift.

Just Be.

Jack is aaaasleep. We have had a rough time with sleep since coming back from the cottage last week. Seems we threw him waaay off and now he has been waking up and not napping well. Well night now. dare I say he has been sleeping for nearly 2 hours. Ahhh a nap that makes me feel like I have had a break. I have actually had enough time to take a shower and paint, check my email, and now blog.

Since Yesterday I have been thinking a lot about what I wrote. God has been pressing into me to stop doing and trying so hard and just be. I put so much pressure on myself and forget to enjoy life. Even when it comes down to painting. I LOVE painting. that and singing and dancing around my living room are my favourite things to do. i haven't been allowing myself to just enjoy painting, Just 'be-ing' in the moment, in the paint and 'be' with God. I have been thinking ahead, this needs to get done, For an upcoming show, or a commission, or expectation to do something good b/c the last one was. I have been putting stress on myself and I get stressed thinking about painting. I am taking away from myself the rest I find in painting and pressure painting sucks. I need to stop this. I need to just rest. I need to just let go and Be. Be Still, be quiet, be who he made me to be. I need to just lay it down and rest in HIM.

I need to just Be.

dust bunnies

I was reminded of 'myspace' today, i went on to delete my account b/c I never use it and found some old blogs from when I was in university. It seems like another life ago. As I read all these old memories came back and I realize I forgot who that person was. I was a girl, who learned how to be a child again. I was having fun, I didn't have to be grown up, I didn't have to be responsible. I lived in complete abandonment to what God was doing with our life together and in complete Trust that he would take care of us. I was confident. I was focused and I was driven. I could do anything. I felt like a superstar, blowing away my professors and leaving them speechless with my work . I found pride in obtaining ridiculous grades, researching and painting till I thought I would die of exhaustion and graduating with Top honours in my class. I worked hard, I loved to study and do the impossible. I had goals. I was proud. I was strong.

I have forgotten who I was, who i dreamed I would become. i have forgotten about that driven girl who could accomplish anything she put her mind to.

i read a friends old blog on her myspace page as well from years ago, she had just had her second child and talked about dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I feel like this is me right now. Dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I love Jack, i love being a mom but I feel like life should be further along than it is right now.

she writes "I truly thought that being at home with my second child would allow me to focus on my portfolio and work towards something....anything. But as the sun rises and sets each day, my dormant dreams still lie on the shelf collecting dust. I am now focusing on going back to my fulltime job, leaving even less time to fulfill my dreams. I believe that our dreams/passions are what make us who we are. Without them we begin to fade."

My colours don't feel quite as bright anymore.

"We surround ourselves with those who are like us and I am surrounded by talented artists, musicians and everyday drama queens who constantly struggle with their artistic dreams/passions. It seems that instead of trusting God with our future we put down the paintbrush and get the first desk job we can find to pay the bills and feed the kids. I feel as though I've pack up my dreams and place them on a shelf. Yes, I take them out every once in awhile, dust them off and give them a good run, but not with the same passion I had before."

She is right. I feel it, and it makes me cry.

I feel like i am at a funeral in my mind, mourning the loss of who I was. Can be her again? Is that part of really lost or just collecting dust? i don't feel strong. I don't feel driven. I have allowed that desk job to destroy me and I dread the thought of starting back again in January for what it might do further. It steals my joy, my creativity, and robs me of who I am. Becoming a mommy, I thought the same, time to create, time finally have it all happen. Instead I am at a stand still. I have accepted that that is ok. That right now most important is my boy. That there will be time again, and that it is just on pause. But I am afraid I will be stuck. I am afraid it will never happen for me. That I will just sit here waiting collecting dust.

I know the truth but it is difficult to remember, I am more than a conqueror and Jesus created me with a very specific design and purpose in mind. And that it is all in His timing not mine.

what love

so jack is 6 months old now (I can hardly believe it!) and we have started solids. Well solids is an interesting way of putting it, really it is more like sticky gooey rice cereal stuff that isn't really that solid. It has been fun and hilarious teaching how to eat, he loves to grab the spoon and whip the stuff across the room, he is crazy over a sippy cup and loves to mash his hands into the cereal then smear them all over himself and anything around him.

I know this sounds silly but there almost seems to be a switch in my mind go off realizing that I completely responsible for this little guy. Through rice cereal I realize that I need to feed him! (weird that i am realizing this now...) Up untill now if he is hungry he goes on the boob. No big deal, the kid is done in 10 minutes and off we go. It has become so normal that i don't even think about it. But life is about to change.. Having a baby is living a life of constant change but wow. I need to prepare a meal for this little guy, a meal that is healthy and good for him, and i need to teach him how to eat and I need to feed it to him. I know I know this sounds rediculous like shoudn't I have realized this a looong time ago but it just kinda hit me. Then the more I thought about it and saw a "food" schedule laid out in front of me, I realized that soon we will be cutting out boob feeding and one day there will be none at all. This made me so sad. I have never thought of feedings before as something that i like, in my mind they were just necessary, but at the thought of them not happening I realized that I love it, and I will miss it. I will miss the closeness, the cuddles, the quiet moments, the snuggling, the way he pats me and looks up at me when feeding. He is such a wonderful little guy. Every month I go through his clothes and go through the ones that don't fit, I pack them away in boxes for the next little one, I know he is growing up but I think going on to "real food" i see that he really is growing up. My little baby.
oh man how am I gonna be 5, 10 or 20 years from now. When he walks down the isle to marry the woman he loves or leaves for university. I think i will still try to snuggle him in my arms even then, This little guy has rocked my heart in a way I didn't even know existed. what love.