Thursday, August 5, 2010

dust bunnies

I was reminded of 'myspace' today, i went on to delete my account b/c I never use it and found some old blogs from when I was in university. It seems like another life ago. As I read all these old memories came back and I realize I forgot who that person was. I was a girl, who learned how to be a child again. I was having fun, I didn't have to be grown up, I didn't have to be responsible. I lived in complete abandonment to what God was doing with our life together and in complete Trust that he would take care of us. I was confident. I was focused and I was driven. I could do anything. I felt like a superstar, blowing away my professors and leaving them speechless with my work . I found pride in obtaining ridiculous grades, researching and painting till I thought I would die of exhaustion and graduating with Top honours in my class. I worked hard, I loved to study and do the impossible. I had goals. I was proud. I was strong.

I have forgotten who I was, who i dreamed I would become. i have forgotten about that driven girl who could accomplish anything she put her mind to.

i read a friends old blog on her myspace page as well from years ago, she had just had her second child and talked about dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I feel like this is me right now. Dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I love Jack, i love being a mom but I feel like life should be further along than it is right now.

she writes "I truly thought that being at home with my second child would allow me to focus on my portfolio and work towards something....anything. But as the sun rises and sets each day, my dormant dreams still lie on the shelf collecting dust. I am now focusing on going back to my fulltime job, leaving even less time to fulfill my dreams. I believe that our dreams/passions are what make us who we are. Without them we begin to fade."

My colours don't feel quite as bright anymore.

"We surround ourselves with those who are like us and I am surrounded by talented artists, musicians and everyday drama queens who constantly struggle with their artistic dreams/passions. It seems that instead of trusting God with our future we put down the paintbrush and get the first desk job we can find to pay the bills and feed the kids. I feel as though I've pack up my dreams and place them on a shelf. Yes, I take them out every once in awhile, dust them off and give them a good run, but not with the same passion I had before."

She is right. I feel it, and it makes me cry.

I feel like i am at a funeral in my mind, mourning the loss of who I was. Can be her again? Is that part of really lost or just collecting dust? i don't feel strong. I don't feel driven. I have allowed that desk job to destroy me and I dread the thought of starting back again in January for what it might do further. It steals my joy, my creativity, and robs me of who I am. Becoming a mommy, I thought the same, time to create, time finally have it all happen. Instead I am at a stand still. I have accepted that that is ok. That right now most important is my boy. That there will be time again, and that it is just on pause. But I am afraid I will be stuck. I am afraid it will never happen for me. That I will just sit here waiting collecting dust.

I know the truth but it is difficult to remember, I am more than a conqueror and Jesus created me with a very specific design and purpose in mind. And that it is all in His timing not mine.

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