Saturday, June 19, 2010


I am such a proud momma today!! My little man rolled over for the first time!! Of course i was at the store and he did it for Daddy but it still counts! I can't wait to see it!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

This image has come to me a million times. a woman jumping, dancing in complete abandonment in worship. This time it came back to me through a friend who asked if I could draw it out for her for something she was doing. So here it is revisited again. God keeps bringing me back to this. Yesterday I pulled out a canvas and I find myself yet again painting her. Every time I do it sells, its like it leaves me before Papa talks to me as much as he wants to about it. Or maybe I keep revisiting her b/c there are many more layers to what he wants to show me about it all. Either way, i'm glad she keeps coming back. it's a nice reminder to keep handing it all over and that living a life in complete abandonment really is a life in freedom.

my little guy

What a cutie. I mean really, he is perfect.

daily sequencial events

baby is having naked tummy time
coffee spills on the carpet, I run to grab a cloth, ahh man.
baby starts screaming b/c i have left the room
he still can't flip himself so he is starting to get mad b/c i'm not playing with him and can't seem me.
I frantically mop up coffee, the baby starts to cry, i flip his onto his back so that he can see me,
when I flip him there pee everywhere! ohhh man!
so now i am stuck clean up pee or coffee out of the carpet.
i choose coffee.
baby is waling, pee, coffee and soon to be poop everywhere.

ohh the day to day events.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

random findings of the day

so I was reading the 1 2 3 bible stories to jack today and got some new thoughts on the christmas story.

The book starts out like this 'One special Baby, This babies name is Jesus and he is God's son, born in a stable where animals live. '

I started to think of when you go into labour, you get up, go to the hospital, it is all a bit frantic hoping you get there in time etc etc. You want o feel comfortable and clean and everything to be perfect for when this little person arrives.. here is this poor woman mary, knowing this baby is coming and desperate to find somewhere to have this little one. Huffing and Puffing between contractions, knocking on doors, trying to find a stink'n place to have this baby and noone will let her in. She could have been really far along too, right? like water broken, 10 cm, maybe ready to push, just NEEDS to sit down and can't find somewhere to have this baby. how Frusterating! I think I would be in a panic if this were happening to me! really I think there is a great fantasy of how wonderful and romantic this whole situation was, this would have been awful! then Finally of all the places a freaking barn. I mean really. But out of the insanity of that night, an incredible miracle where i bet God's presence was so thick.

A king, born in a barn.. Amazing how humbly he entered this earth eh? He could have made a real scene , TAADAAA I AM GODs SON born on a stack of Gold but no, born in a place where animals sleep, eat and poop. what a great God we have, just shows us that he isn't too good for even the dirties places.

Friday, June 11, 2010

new paintings!!

so I followed my own advice and started to make nap times productive! Today I got a shower, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, folded the baby laundry and got 9 new paintings on their way!!!! I primed and base coated each, ohhhhhwhooooo I am excited! I haven't quite figured out when I will get the chance to paint them but I have a plan. I have thought and I am excited soooo I will make time to get painting. Sooo I will be posting and sharing my heart on what God is showing me along the way. Stay tuned!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I am recently thinking i need structure to my day. Right now everything is so on the fly. Jack has a schedule but it's not set in stone. He follows similar patterns but it's not exactly the same all the time so I just kinda float my way through the day without much thought.. I often look at my day and see nothing i have done other than entertain the baby. As much as I love this The house is often upside down with baby toys and dishes and dirty diapers and I kinda feel like I need to get it together. By the time he takes a nap I just want to veg, entertaining a baby is exhausting, I can't even think about when he is mobile! Nap is about 30 - 45 min before it starts all over again. So maybe i need to actually start thinking of my day, make a goal and do it! Have productive nap times. #1 - take a shower and brush my teeth. # 2 clean up after myself... # 3 make a goal for the day and do it!

I have been wanting to paint! Ohhh man, I have 8 new canvases that need to be prepped and drawn out. Maybe i should take a nap time to do this..

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

dancing in the rain.

Every morning i wake up to the baby talking to himself in bed, this is the sign, time to wake up mom, I am hungry! as I drag myself out of bed still half asleep, my mouth is dry, my tummy aches and my brain screams for coffee. I walk into his room half asleep I stick my head in the crib and no matter how tired I am I can't help but instantly smile. My little guy all smiles soo happy to see his mommy. I pick him up and we snuggle. I can't help but sneak him back into our bed for a little extra sleep, yes i know bad habit but it gets me and extra 1/2 hour - hour sleep and i love my sleep. I nurse him the lazy laying down way, and we both fall back asleep to be woken up at 9am being kicked.. BAH! he yells, as to say wake up mom it's time to play!!!! I roll over again to see that smiley little face. Since he was born we have been having conversations with our eyes. We could stare at each other for hours. Now this exchange is with our eyes and includes baby babble and wandering little hands that hold my face and hands as he stares into my eyes with adoration. Many aahh-boo's later we make our way out of bed, and head downstairs.

This morning I hear the song "what does it sound like" from my new bethel cd. the words, this is what it looks like when heaven comes down. Ah father, come into this day, i love your presence.

I grab a coffee, make myself some eggs as Jack is in the playpen all consumed by his toys. I am soon forgetting how hard this used to be. Even though most mornings are slow to start and I still don't always get a shower, I am now loving every day. i think of the first 2 months of jack's life, man he was hard. most days I found myself in tears, feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless with the crying, all my efforts felt wasted and I often felt hated by my own baby. Having a baby that cries is tough. I think entering into the motherhood club is probably the most difficult thing i have ever done in my life. Its as if the first 3 months of newborn'ism' are initiation, after this part anything would feel like smooth sailing. But there are so many things that you learn and learn quickly b/c you have to, otherwise you might loose your mind. Of course not every new baby is difficult but mine was and even though it was horrible at the time, maybe it was good for me. I got through one, I will be able to get through another and maybe the next won't be so hard, but if they are, I 'll know what to do. It's funny at the time it feels like forever, 3 minutes of crying feels like hours, but when it stops and the storm clears you forget so fast how hard it was raining. I am learning. God continues to show me things and teach me about patience and love. Now when he cries, or has a tough time (like recent teething!) I find myself feeling more confident as a mother and God is teaching me how to dance in the rain.

Thanks papa for clear skies but also, thankyou for the rain, as it helps us to grow and our roots to go deeper.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

how deep is your love..

i want to write, but don't know the words to say.. other than how deep is your love for me?

Something struck a chord a couple of days ago, it pressed into me like a finger poking deep into my rib. it hasn't let go yet. And for some reason I can't figure out what it is but I'm not myself.

Thoughts... most people have disfunctional families, how is anyone ever suppose to fully understand the heart of God without having a clear, strong, 'perfect' parental figure. All would be flawed in some sense as none of us are perfect parents.. I realize this must really have to be shown to us supernaturally by Him who He really is b/c we would really have no comprehension as we have nothing to base it against even with the best parents. I grew up having and incredible mother and father with a healthy loving marriage but my dad was away alot on buisness, so what I know as father would be flawed. right? God doesn't leave on buisness trips he is always around... i didn't realize that that would change how I understand God. Maybe I don't fully trust him all the time b/c i'm afraid he'll leave on buisness. as silly as that sounds it feels accurate. I warp my understanding of God through my understanding of a father or mother is and really though their imperfections..

So I keep wondering, How deep is your love? I mean really. I know how insane I am about my son, I can't believe what strong raw emotions come with having a child of your own. It gave me a really appritition for my parents love for me. But does it even come close to God's love.. and if not, then how much more does God love me? I don't think we can ever have a real understanding of how much it is. can we?

The words "be at rest oh my soul for the Lord he is good, he is good, he is good, he is good" has been at me for 2 days now. Maybe this is a seperate blog... maybe there is no end to this one as it just strings along more thoughts, more questions.. But "be at rest oh my soul" puts me to tears. Something is stirring inside of me. I had this feeling last year for months before God showed me what it was. It started anxious and turned to excitement.

Thought: I am never satisfied. I grew up in a church hungry after the heart of God, experiencing things that people look for their whole lives, amazing miracles and testimonies, people being impacted in such an incredible way, but i am still waiting to be in shock and awe like them. Somwhere along the way it all became very normal for me.. I expect God to be great, he is GOD. I have been so lucky to grow up with these experiences but this then leaves me hungry, chasing him, looking for more, wanting to be wowed, and left never satisfied. Living in a voluntary brokeness so that I can see and experience more of Him? I'm not sure but all I know is i want more, I want more, I want more. It aches inside of me.

smash my heart wide open God. I want to see you. I want to know how deep your love is...