Thursday, December 4, 2014

simplify.. day 3

a world without facebook... I must admit even a few days ago the thought struck a touch of panic. lol i know that sounds funny but really, for this stay at home mama it is  nearly her only connection to the world outside my littles. All my friends work, I don't have a cell, so no texting, I am alone..  I've held onto this for sometime. It my only connection to my friends...

When did social media change this idea of friendship.  Facebook has created this false sense of closeness and communication. Somehow replacing real relationships placing in the mindset that in depth conversation and one on one in person interaction, looking someone in the face for some reason no longer required. Is this what you want? Is that what I want? Surface relationships with people I kind of know or knew at one point in my life? My actual friends I have hardly any interaction with on facebook at all.  As I scroll through the board, posts of people I hardly know, and honestly don't really care what they have written, are complaining or boasting about, random singing or  the next greatest talent' or photos that i have no connection to anyway. On top posts can cause you to feel terrible, unsuccessful, a failure, untalented, overall unhappy with yourself b/c life is much easier or better for others. So what am I looking for? Approval, connection, community? This fear of What if I'm missing something had haunted me. Or if I get rid of it, I will have connection to the outside world!!! and I will be even more alone. but This isn't friendship. This isn't closeness. Its a false sense of connection.  Do I really need to be scrolling through randomness that I don't care about missing out on the sweet little faces right in front of me?

Coming to this thought a few days ago when I began writing this blog it hit me hard,  I'm alone.  as it started to really sink in  the phone rang. one of my dearest friends that lives so far from me called to just see how i am and tell me they were thinking about me and love me. Its what sent me over and a pent of wave of emotions fled out (darn preggo hormones I cry at everything!) but they were emotions and real feeling that needed to come out, loneliness is a real thing and I have been feeling it for a long time that I began to crowd by days with being busy, letting myself think that motherhood is too hard and so kept myself occupied with other things to check out its reality it turn "sabotaging my own ability to love and live life" i quote because i couldn't find it better said that in a blog i discovered this week. its amazing and inspiring and I am right on track with what she is saying what she is  and it writing as helped me get to a place of revelation that I have been hiding from for a long time. SIMPLIFY. unplug from technology and free up your life (a whooole other blog to come on identity after motherhood) so you can enjoy it and love it. And i am not alone. i have an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends and amazing kids that love me very much and social media isn't it. 

I sat watching my 2 year old daughter eat french fries in the food court this week while christmas shopping (yes no judging we were out for a treat). I sat with her as she ate and just drank her in. watched the way she carefully chose a fresh cut fry and oh so daintily dipped it in her gravy (yes we love fries and gravy takes after here mama. ) the her little fingers held it, hey way her long eyelashes fell on her cheeks as she looked down, her carefully lift, not to drip but then the sweet grin when she tasted them. it was so sweet. like the whole foodcourt was on mute, i could just stopped the busy and watch her, her savour. I didn't care if it took all afternoon, i would sit here and watch her sweetly enjoy each one. it made me smile. it made her smile. engraved in my mind i remember thinking i want to remember more like this. i need to slow down and see my kids see into them, pay attention and enjoy them every day. i don't want to miss it.

what broke my gaze was a mom huffing and puffing beside me trying to her her son who was not fighting or grumpy into a high chair. I looked around and everywhere i looked, parent after parent with their faces in cell phones, kids looking at them with hope for communication and some just staring off into space like they'd given up trying. The lady beside me who had just been putting her son in the chair lady, without taking her eyes up from the screen, plopped food down in front of her 18 mos (or so) son, while she sat  engrossed in her cellphone. Not once did she look up, acknowledge him, talk to him but 2 x hold up a fry in his face as he looked up at her for some kind of communication. Some time later she looked down seen that he had eaten only a few bites, yelled at him and took away his food 'that's it! you're done!' and picked him up angrily lecturing him for not eating. It broke me. I don't have a cell (yes i am probably the only one on the planet but I don't want one) I have been her. I have been so engulfed in other things that I didn't take notice, i have gotten frustrated of soo many kid things like being silly or playing too loudly. I have been so preoccupied with my own stuff and I have missed it.  It made me think of this past lunch hour and reinforce how much I didn't want to miss it anymore. I don't want to be all those parents on cell phones. I didn't want to feel irritated at home b/c i was busy trying to send off an email or some other mundane task i thought was more important. Everytime "just a minute" becomes 30 or everytime i choose to look at a screen  to look at one more thing or allow myself to zone our, instead of be present with them tells them, 'you are not important enough' or that they are being and inconvenience. omg. my heart. What kind of generation are we raising?

Your kids aren't a disruption of your life, they are your life.

We have let so many thing cloud our lives that we allow our kids to become accessories and if you don't bother or disrupt me than we won't have any trouble. Wake up. WAKE UP. We are raising people. You are shaping someone here. They are gifts that God has given us, trusted us with to pour into, teach, help grow into amazing people that will impact the rest of history. (hands free mama) amazing!!!! that will impact history!!

I originally joined facebook about 10 years ago in university, it was a way to know when parties were happening and where. I barely used my computer, unless I was writing papers. Never did I expect it to grow into the addictive monster it has become. And not just facebook, my computer, my laptop, or ipod. All time stealers.  They have sucked me in and caused me to miss out on so many dear moments in life. It has caused me to be irritated for no reason. It has caused me to loose touch, miss out on my kids, get depressed, loose my sense of self or connection with myself and God. I've allowed it to steal from me. 

Its been 3 days of minimal use of any technology and cutting out the busy' if so only during nap time. I am happier. My kids are noticeably happier, I am not irritated, I have more patience, they aren't fighting together and when they do I have the patience to diffuse the bomb and help them work it out. There are less meltdowns in the house (on both child and parent end lol), we are communicating more, snuggling more, we are closer. My husband and I are talking more and working together through how to help them manage emotions and seeing what it working and what isn't.  The house is cleaner, dinner is made, I don't feel as stressed or anxious. I don't feel overwhelmed and drowning. I feel satisfied. I feel hope.  How can so much change in just a few days?

I'm looking forward to this change and this journey.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


Simplify. cutting out the busy and just simplifying life. My husband said it recently "I wish life was just simpler sometimes". It stuck with me. I wish life was simpler and easier too. I was finding myself frustrated with everything lately and hardly enjoying any days. The house is a mess, the kids are fighting, my husband works a million hours, money is tight, trying to balance home life with how to also run a little photography and art business, stay ahead of the game, fulfill myself, my marriage and my home family life. Everything kind of came to a head at the same time where 100 problems suddenly abrupt and I start to really look at them sit and think, I need to fix this!! Work things out and look at them logically, why are my kids acting this way, why am I? I am desperate and something has got to change!!  And its like it so simply makes sense with one word. SIMPLIFY. Simplify life. Remove the distractions. Rest. Be with your family. Not just present but remove the business of life and just enjoy them, and TRUST ME with the rest.

God has talked to me so much about letting go of next year. Stop pushing for work just stop. Rest, reconnect with God, myself, my husband and my kids. Stop trying to perform and fix life. Resting on myself to fix problems instead of trusting him is just not the way to go. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'. I'm not a bible quoter but really i find this to be true right now. Seek Him. Rediscover 'him and me alone' where it is is free and nothing else matters. Knowing and living loved. I've been playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' when things go right or wrong. I've been grabbing trying to provide for ourselves with most efforts gone to shit. I've lost my trust. And in the meantime been clouded by so many things that waste my time, steal my joy and cause anxiety. Simplify.

Earlier in the year I sat on my ipod, it has a giant crack down the middle. I was disappointed at first but I felt God show me almost right away, he wants to break the devices that distract us from what really matters. For me my ipod (i don't have a cell phone) was a problem. It was clouding me from seeing what mattered - my family. It sucked my time and energy and kept me distracted from connecting. I hate to see people out with their kids with a cell phone in their face ignoring their kids or the people they are with, but I was doing it at home. With a laptop or an ipod, with an art project, painting or editing, with cleaning the house or a phone call. I was missing out and I was showing them that everything else I was doing was more important than them. I came to this realization 6 months ago. you know i'm still doing it. I'm still fighting it. This week I have had a major wake up call to this problem of busy-ness and distractions And I'm being called to simplify and the first step is to remove distractions.  I am tired and worn and with another baby on the way I need to get life back in its right priorities. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The end of an era: School Days

                                                                                                                                                      michael steingard photography

I find myself after 2 years of not touching this blog I just have to write. Some way this thing helps clear my mind and thoughts and help me see clearer.

This evening I find the more I come to realization things are about to change the more hot tears fall from my burning eyes. My son is going off to Jr Kindergarden this week. I know it sounds silly but my feelings of loss and sadness are real. Its like he's going away and its not for a short time or a few days or a special event, it is every day... its forever. Its the end of an era. Its the end of spending everyday with this wonderful little person that I love with all of my heart and is my entire world. Who since he was born I have spent every day with. This is the end of silly days of laughing and tickle wars, pajama days, endless book reading, Sparkling eyes and smiles I could stare at and never tire of. The end of building of endless hot wheel tracks that extendend down the stairs and out the front door, forts and couch jumping competitions. Going outside in the rain and jumping puddles or just feeling it fall softly on our skin. The end of exploration walks and discovering new things everyday together. The end of crafts and painting together, silly songs and making breakfast and lunch together. Its the end of spending every day with my little boy. And yes i know, i still get to see him ever late afternoon and evening and on the weekends, but its not the same... its not the same at all.  in my place will be another woman I don't know spending more time with him than I will getting to have all of his laughter and smiles. Watching him grow and learn. I am sad.  All the things I will be missing.  I wish I hit record to all of the moments, smile and even the tantrums. So I will never forget them.  It has suddenly made me see and hear all of the "it goes by fast, enjoy every moment" s' I have ever heard. It has made me regret every selfish moment of wanting time alone or frustration I have had over not knowing what to do or being unable to handle a situation as good as I could have. I instantly have more grace, more compassion and even more love for both my kids. I am savouring. I am remembering and knowing that these little years do go by fast, so love them and enjoy them though difficult, take a minute to savour them. Take them in.  Engrave them in your minds and in your hearts because they will never be this little again. See into your children because they notice when you are not present, and when something else is more important than they are. See into who they are, mold them, shape them, invest in them and use every moment.. They are a gift entrusted to you to pour into and love and give and shape and teach.  Nothing else is more important.

So this week we step into a new season, a new change. School days. This is going to be a big adjustment for us both but I step into this season really appreciating, and learning to walk in loving the little years, walking in more grace and patience and choosing to no longer waste any minutes and fully taking in all the ones I do have.