Momma

last night our little guy had suuch a rough night, he has been having the nasty sinus thing for a while and just when I thought it was getting better BAM he gets slammed with it all over again, can't breathe, can't sleep, he is restless and tired. Last night he went to bed with no problems, after a rough weekend I was hoping that he would rest easy and i could have a full nights sleep. But 12:45am he awoke, startled, upset, crying, having trouble breathing I go to him and comfort him, rub his tummy, feed him, rock him and after 45 min of crying harder and harder he finally settles fast asleep in my arms. Now you have to understand this is highly unusual with Jack, if he ever wakes up it is for 2 seconds only to find the soother and fall fast asleep again. For him to take this long to settle there must be something wrong. I lay him down and head back to my room, back into sleepy land for me.

3:30am we wake again, I can hear him wimpering, babbling, cry 'momma' now i don't know if he knows what momma is yet but he does say it when he cries at night or when he's upset. My husband goes in to settle him, after 30 minutes he is still crying, I go into the room to see if there is anything i can do, I have a thought, turn the worship music back on, I enter the room and see Luke, rocking his baby back and forth, talking to him, loving him to pieces. Knowing he would stay there all night and just hold and love his little guy I tell him i'll take the baby b/c he has to go to work in the morning and who knows how long this will go on for. I take Jack he cries and squirms, I speak to him in a soothing voice, I rock him and tell him I am here and that I know he is hurting but it will be ok, I tell him I love him and that I want to make it better. I hold him and kiss him, I just love him. After another 30 minutes or so He calms down and just rests in my arms, I decide to set up camp on the floor of the nursery, i grab a pillow and a blanket and I fall asleep holding him, telling him I love you, I love you, I love you. He snuggles up and sleeps the rest of the night.

Funny I asked God when getting pregnant to teach me about things along the way, about being a parent and paralleling them with the heart of Who God is. He told me he was going to teach me about love. That's exactly what I'm learning. Love love love. Last night as held my little one I would do anything I could to make it go away. I cried as he cried in agony, upset, his little face, tears pouring, no matter what I did, there was no response, he couldn't hear me, he could only focus on his pain. His little face all scrunched up sobbing, it made me cry and broke my heart. But when he finally heard me he began to listen, settle and rest. I saw that when we are hurt or upset, we may not know who or what God is but cry out papa, we kick and scream, we cry in pain not knowing he is there. It breaks his heart as all the while he is holding us, trying to comfort us but we are too worked up to listen or feel Him. Finally, we start to settle and are able to hear his soothing voice and loving arms holding us, comforting us and loving us through it all. In that we are able to find peace and rest in his arms.

Like Jack who knows his momma and daddy and will rest and find comfort in our arms. We need to just rest in Papa's arms, to give up our pain and allow ourselves to just be loved.

Love is all you need

'love'
30 x 40 . oil

In the midst of a tragic loss of a family friends child this week
I began to paint. I just painted and painted and painted and sobbed
the whole way through. My heart aches for momma, for the family,
for the thought of anything happening to my little guy.
my heart aches for understanding.I asked God so many questions
but received no other answer than, he sobs with us too,
his heart aches with us too, and through it all,
he loves us. He loves us, he loves us, he loves us.

In His Hands

my heart aches. for understanding for more than this. I can hear you talking but why can't we talk about what I want to talk about? Questions go unanswered. I feel you surround me, Like waves of grace, peace and love overwhelming. But I feel sick. All I can hear is He's in my hands.

'in His hands'
mixed media, 2010

from the self portrait study
woodcut, 2006

ahh printmaking, one of my favourite and most missed past times. i love the process, I love choosing of hand made papers, the smell of the ink, and the feeling you get when your print comes out perfectly off the press! Feeling inspired to get back to it, I bought some carving tools and ink to make some block prints. Though I don't have access to a press I will enjoy every moment and get printing!

weeds

I seem to have lost my patience today.. with a sick, teething little boy I just spent nearly the last hour trying to calm an inconsolable 5 1/2 month old. This was crying like i have not heard since he was born and with his volume nearly 4 time louder than it was then, I just couldn't do it. I put him down and walked away. I don't think 'crying it out' works but today I was at a loss and didn't know what else to do. My patience fried, all my efforts thrown in the garbage, failure creeps in and Plants a seed, a lie deep into my mind, 'You suck as a mom, look you can't even console your own baby.' Frusterated and angry, i scream. The reality of mommyhood, it is hard sometimes. I haven't felt these feelings in months, I have enjoyed my happy little baby and quickly forgot the hopelessness you feel in being unable to help your own child. I try to regain my strength and pull it together, back to the drawing board, trying to love even when you are angry and don't want to. I gently rock him, though i have had enough, I am pushing through. Finally asleep and comfortable my little guy falls asleep in my arms and now beside me as I write this. My feelings still lingering.

Lies.

How powerful lies are. They grow rapidly like weeds in our minds taking over everything at such an unbelievable rate. Leaving us helpless and hopeless in sometimes just minutes. just the feeling of failure seeds in thoughts of doubt and the lie starts to grow and take over. They Steal from you and rob you of everything good. I am surprised in how fast I feel stolen from sometimes and it can take from me months of good things God has been doing in me. Finding myself back in a place that i hate being in. Feeling alone, depressed, worthless. As I write this I am trying to look to God to give me clarity, to renew, restore and help me to be stronger, to bounce back quicker, but sometimes it only takes a few minutes but sometimes it can wreck my whole day or week. Just from a little (well a lot) crying...

(I walk away, have some lunch and sit back at the computer..)

I think I am getting there, I am learning. I am already feeling more logical, more clear. I look at him laying there, so peaceful, all the negativity melts away, you complete me, you complete our family, i love you, i love you, i love you.

i realize I let lies steal from me more than i realize sometimes. They seem to really attack who I am. They steal from me and my heart. They feed on vulnerability and weakness. They steal my confidence, my vision, my excitement and passion. Satan loves that doesn't he? He loves to steal our joy. It can cause me to give up, to not express or paint for ages. Lies stop me from doing great things and cause me to sit stagnant for along time. How do you get stronger? How do you fight back? I suddenly think about the lawn, weeds grow where the grass is thin, unhealthy, dying or where there is none at all. Thick, healthy grass chokes out weeds making it nearly impossible to grow. SO i guess I need some healthier grass.

God help my grass to grow thicker, not to forget to water it everyday, fertilize (hmm future blog..? shit helps you grow!) and reseed with good seed so that weeds can not take over my lawn.

had a dream last night

it has been a while since the last time I had a dream... Probably b/c I haven't had a sleep period long enough to get to a proper REM cycle. All I see in this dream is my feet, they are wearing white running shoes and i am running on the pavement, foot after foot, running, running. Luke is beside me and the baby is in a running stroller. We are not running away, we are running in peace, loving it. enjoying being together. I feel good. I feel refreshed. I feel strong and healthy.


any interpretations?

ATTACK OF THE SNUGGLE MONSTER!!!!