weeds

I seem to have lost my patience today.. with a sick, teething little boy I just spent nearly the last hour trying to calm an inconsolable 5 1/2 month old. This was crying like i have not heard since he was born and with his volume nearly 4 time louder than it was then, I just couldn't do it. I put him down and walked away. I don't think 'crying it out' works but today I was at a loss and didn't know what else to do. My patience fried, all my efforts thrown in the garbage, failure creeps in and Plants a seed, a lie deep into my mind, 'You suck as a mom, look you can't even console your own baby.' Frusterated and angry, i scream. The reality of mommyhood, it is hard sometimes. I haven't felt these feelings in months, I have enjoyed my happy little baby and quickly forgot the hopelessness you feel in being unable to help your own child. I try to regain my strength and pull it together, back to the drawing board, trying to love even when you are angry and don't want to. I gently rock him, though i have had enough, I am pushing through. Finally asleep and comfortable my little guy falls asleep in my arms and now beside me as I write this. My feelings still lingering.

Lies.

How powerful lies are. They grow rapidly like weeds in our minds taking over everything at such an unbelievable rate. Leaving us helpless and hopeless in sometimes just minutes. just the feeling of failure seeds in thoughts of doubt and the lie starts to grow and take over. They Steal from you and rob you of everything good. I am surprised in how fast I feel stolen from sometimes and it can take from me months of good things God has been doing in me. Finding myself back in a place that i hate being in. Feeling alone, depressed, worthless. As I write this I am trying to look to God to give me clarity, to renew, restore and help me to be stronger, to bounce back quicker, but sometimes it only takes a few minutes but sometimes it can wreck my whole day or week. Just from a little (well a lot) crying...

(I walk away, have some lunch and sit back at the computer..)

I think I am getting there, I am learning. I am already feeling more logical, more clear. I look at him laying there, so peaceful, all the negativity melts away, you complete me, you complete our family, i love you, i love you, i love you.

i realize I let lies steal from me more than i realize sometimes. They seem to really attack who I am. They steal from me and my heart. They feed on vulnerability and weakness. They steal my confidence, my vision, my excitement and passion. Satan loves that doesn't he? He loves to steal our joy. It can cause me to give up, to not express or paint for ages. Lies stop me from doing great things and cause me to sit stagnant for along time. How do you get stronger? How do you fight back? I suddenly think about the lawn, weeds grow where the grass is thin, unhealthy, dying or where there is none at all. Thick, healthy grass chokes out weeds making it nearly impossible to grow. SO i guess I need some healthier grass.

God help my grass to grow thicker, not to forget to water it everyday, fertilize (hmm future blog..? shit helps you grow!) and reseed with good seed so that weeds can not take over my lawn.