Thursday, December 30, 2010

the ongoing quest to conquer clutter

it's been a while since I was on this subject and seeing after Christmas our house suddenly collected more stuff and i am feeling so stuffed to the brim in this house I am ready to throw everything out or move. Seeing as moving is quite in the cards Just yet, I am yet again on the quest to conquer the clutter in my house, (and in my heart).

Things that come to mind are these 4 boxes 2 in the basement, 2 in the upstairs closet, they are full of winter stuff... mitts, hats, scarves, boots from when we lived in the mountains in quebec, everyday we would bundle ourselves up for the - 40degree treck to school. it was useful then but comeon' we live in Brampton, it's not exaclty that cold here... and seeing as I use the same pair of mitts everyday with the exception to my snowboarding gloves I think its time to donate them all to the homeless. I'm sure they could really use them this cold winter.

The second that comes to mind is the endless piles of clothes, the constant flow of laundry. I have recently dumped 5 garbage bags of clothes.. and there are still too many. Yesterday I tackled the linen closet, threw out the crap. and reorganized, it looks beautiful.

Closets and junk drawers... there are many messy, unorganized closets and drawers in this house and they all seem to go unnoticed. Many things that don't really have a place but get thrown in or tucked away into the abyss of mess never to be seen again. I love a beautifully organized closet. I look in Lukes and it is perfect, dressshirts all lined up perfectly hanging, suits (well sportsjackets) , ties, pants, sweaters, perfect - even down to his shoes all neatly lined up in a row. Then comes to mine, and every other closet - excluding the new organized linen closet - ABSOLUTE CHAOS... It seems I always overlook them becuse they seem like such a big job, I think.. no I KNOW this goes for the many 'junk drawers' i have also collected in nearly every room.. I think this is perhaps fear.. fear that keeps me from cleaning them all out.. becuase God uses such practicality to talk to me i'm afraid about what he might tell me a lot about in my own closets and junk drawers and do a deep cleaning and pitching out the trash that has collected. but i guess perhaps, after a season of cleaning, then rest... it is time to get back to some cleaning, organizing and simplifying in my own heart and life.

Lately something in me doesn't feel quite right. I think it is a mixture of my little babe getting so big, (he is walking now!) pregnancy hormones finally being gone and not being on the pill for the first time in 10 years, my hormones are going insane trying to figure out where they belong, my husbands job is quite stressful on him and he is doing his MBA right now which can get crazy, me going back to work in less than a week and something not feeling quite right in me, not settled, not happy.. I'm not sure exactly what but i have definitely been neglecting the work it out with God part of things. my heart has been battling with some ongoing stuff this year, well Luke and both have. A big part of me just wants to get up and move away, move on, never to look back. I know that isn't the right thing to do that's just like putting all the little things i have thrown in my junk drawers and closets but at the same time, I'm not really sure what to do with any of it. mm.. yah....anyways

Someone said to me this year it is a season of exposure, God has been doing a wonderful job at cleaning out my clutter. Though like my house main spaces are clear i think there are are many hidden spots still packed with juNK. Maybe its time to get to it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Happy 11 months!!!

oh my goodness, my little man is 11 months! where did the time go!!??

He is the silliest, happiest, most curious baby you will ever meet. He loves to laugh, and be chased around the house. He loves to read and talk and explore, you can often find him getting into something, like shredding newspapers, chasing the dog, playing in the dog bowl, throwing things in the toilet and trying to flush them down, pulling all the toilet paper off the roll and squealing in delight or just simply pulling out every item from his toyboy, or the cd cupboard, or dish cupboard or fridge. One word to describe him... BUSY!!! you are always smashing or hitting something, making noise any way possible. You think the washing machine and drier are fascinating, and always want to be apart of everything! You know how to HIGH FIVE! you are a great mimic of nearly everything. You are already babbling your own little language all of the time and know some of our words too! You say bUh baaa and wave which is super cute! and words like mama, dada, baba (bottle) , buh (book), buuh baa (bye bye), Ho Ho Ho and sing OOOOOOOOOooooo and LALLALALALA. Screaming is a great new hobby then laughing when it echos through the kitchen.

You have 8, count em' 8 TEETH!!! and 2 more Eye teeth on the way! Mommy and Daddy are impressed by your walking! You can do 5 steps on your own now but cruise everything in site at a see and can just stand on your own with out even trying to balance for ages, it is incredible. You are so strong and can do squats 100 time better than mommy could ever even try! You climb the stairs and do anything you can to get higher! like push your toys or the diaper bag against things to climb to the next level and most recently I foudn you hanging off the baby gate!! YOU MONKEY. It is hilarious! You can even escape your highchair with some amazing acrobatics. We think you are a little smartiepants and the cutest little boy we've ever seen..

Little guy you make mommy and daddy smile everyday you snuggle the best, you laugh the best, you bring us so much joy. Happy 11 months!

Monday, December 6, 2010

GATE 403

Well I made it.. My work is hung, and it looks great! Check it out if you get a chance to, have a drink and enjoy some great art and music. Gate 403 Rocancesvale Ave, Toronto. I will be having an informal meet and greet/opening from 5 - 8pm on Sunday. December 12th. The display will be up until January 2nd, 2011, hope to see you all there.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

His Great Love

i haven't been blogging the past couple days.. I really been pouring all of my spare timei into painting. Coming up this space at GATE 403 I suprised myself at the amount of space there is and am doubting how much work I really have.. Soo... that leaves me painting like a mad woman. Which of course means lots of time talking to God as paintings emerge before me. Funny when I paint, I really don't think much about what I am doing, I just paint and talk to God, hours pass and there is a painting infront of me. I am always suprised as a resolution to something or conclusion or just the finishing of a conversation comes to a close, so does the piece.

Last night I found myself working furiously for hours, and found myself painting myself into a very in a very angry place, an incident that happened nearly 4 years ago now. God has been speaking to me about exposure. Bringing light to all the dark areas, pulling the crap out of my closets, cleaning the floors and dusting (see earlier blogs.) So last night here I stand, covered in paint, in my basement angry, yelling at this person who hurt me, pouring my whole heart into saying all the things I want to say, the things I hold back. I am mad at myself for being vulnerable, for allowing myself to be in such a position and How changed i am because of it. I stop.. I realize what I am doing and I sound like a crazy person. Tears streaming down my face can't believe how upset i am... It was so long ago. I had no idea this was so strong inside of me but painting has brought me into this place. It is a place of the unconcious, a place of vulnerability, a place where healing happens. I step back and look at this hurt girl sitting before me, Jesus where were you? He shows me.

I cry at the thought of this.. what an amazing moment. Afraid, last night I think I leave this thought, this place and move onto something else pretty quickly but I return to it today perhaps ready to listen, ready to believe truth... I know that that is Him pursuing me with His love. There is never a moment where He stops pursuing you with His Love. Even when we are afraid, even when we are hurt, have been hurt he was there, you just have to ask him, picture the moment of pain, the room, the place, run it like a movie, and ask Jesus where are you? Look around the room in that space of pain, He will show you and just wait. for me he was sitting on there stairs watching, then walked over and held me, & shielded me. He will show you where He is and reveal His Heart, the truth to you. In all of this i am still sitting, learning but i know Jesus has incredible revelations for us and wants to keep pulling the crap out from under the beds. This is a season of exposure. I think that creates a season of healing. Healing hearts, minds, bodies which really is pretty exciting.

I'm not even sure why I write this. Maybe just to get it out. maybe just to say that there is hope for healing. maybe just a demonstration the power of painting/creating and that God uses everything and has great big plans for each of us and it is His heart to just love us.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

ohhh it has been a morning of exhaustion, dr's appt, driving around like busy bees. Little man went down for a nap and as soon as he did I bolted to the kitchen to clean the whole thing top to bottom as it seems a bomb went off in there and the rest of the house for that matter. So for 2 hours I cleaned that kitchen, did the dishes, mopped the floor, cleaned all the bottles and got ready for jacks lunch. Lunch turned into a fight, this little guy seems to resist food every chance he gets the past few days (very unlike him, b/c he is a great eater). Being a grumpy rump I clean up lunch, put him down to the floor b/c he is freaking in his highchair, he takes a big D and is a happy dude all over again. While I continue on my way cleaning up all around I pick up the bowl of spaghetti he barely touched, i slip.... and I see it all in slow motion, the bowl slips out of my finger and flies through the air landing on the floor, and splattering tomato sauce and tiny bits of Baby sized pasta all over my clean kitchen. arrrg!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

busy bee 2011

ahhh seems I am back to myself, pushing full speed ahead, wanting more!! I am already planning 2011. Hunting down art shows, venues, stores, oppertunities!! At the same time i can't but think if I am nuts?? I feel sooo strongly this year to pay it forward. Give back. I want to donate, start fundraisers, be involved! I will be involved so far with 3 auctions to raise money for different causes. And so far I also have booked 1 art festival, 1 solo show, lots of live painting, hopefully some teaching and currently putting together proposals for a couple major shows i'd REALLY like to be accepted into. I don't want to overbook myself and go crazy like i have other years, (in the past I did 26 venues in one year! ugggh so tiring!) But I want to be out there again! I want to be involved and i am motivated. So here I continue booking, organizing, researching, writing lesson plans and whats on my heart. I have a good feeling about this year.. i guess we'll just see.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Solo Show @ Gate 403

I booked this nearly a year ago and I thought it kinda fell through the cracks. But to my surprise it didn't! i will be showing a solo show at Gate 403 (located at 403 Roncesvalles Avenue, Toronto) for the month of December. It is an upper scale piano bar close to High Park. I was pretty excited to have a venue so excited about my work and book me only days after sending them my work. The lady said 'where did you come from!?' this is always nice to hear!! The have requested my Jazz series, seeing as they are a Jazz bar. I am hoping for some good feedback and maybe some sales!
If you are in the area, check it out! My work will be there from December 1 - January 3rd.

Friday, November 12, 2010

What's in a name?

I had a lovely friend Sheri ask what does my new company greenpear creative mean? Hmm i must admit, it is a name that has been in my heart for a while. I never really thought about what it meant. But as I do believe God has purpose for EVERYTHING I started to ask. What does this mean? Instantly I got the words Growth, journey, GOOD fruit. and saw a picture of my grandmothers backyard and the delicious pear trees we soooo enjoy.

Pear - A pear, down to the shape, I see as the shape of a pregnant woman, pregnant with new gifts, maternal, bountiful, birthing new life, new creative ideas.

a pear..

a pregnant woman, see pretty close!

A pear, my favourite fruit, I could eat these all day if I had a chance. The tree, the pear tree is a low hanging tree, easy to access, and to enjoy for everyone and live a very long time!

and of course Ahhh my grandma's pear tree... (again, God giving me object lessons) They are tall, not huge but reap an incredible harvest (with age they will grow and grow and grow!) Every year, we we wait patiently watching these pears grow, and the tree get taller, as everything else came into season, the pear was a bit later but my goodness, it was worth it!! It would grow these delicious, chubby pears, full of flavour, vibrant colour and were used for everything! eaten fresh, made with jams and canning, spread to our family, our friends, The trees would overflow with incredible fruit.

Green is the color of nature . It symbolizes growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility. Green has great healing power. It is the most restful color for the human eye; it can improve vision. Green suggests stability and endurance. Green indicates growth and hope. Green, has strong emotional correspondence with safety and it is the color of free passage in road traffic. (meaning GO! walk boldly!) Olive green is the traditional color of peace.

I want to be a person, and a company i want all f this!! and one that is full, ripe, delicious, and produces an abundance of great fruit. I want to be used for everything, shared with everyone, and used for many different things. I want to create opportunity, community and walk boldly in His calling for me. That doesn't just mean painting. Creative - is to cover all of the basis really, i don't want to be boxed by one word, but use one that expresses all of me and everything I want and desire to do. I want to create without borders with an overflow of fresh, peaceful, good fruit.

greenpear creative... what's in a name... a lot more than we originally see.

the birth of THE GREENPEAR!!

oooo aaaahhh look at me I feel so grown up.
It is official, I am a BUISNESS OWNER! hah i know it is silly b/c all it is is registering a name but still... but it is a new chapter, and that quite exciting for me! I have lots of ideas, lots of things I want to do,
and.. it's just the beginning!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I was writing an email today and my heart kind of splattered out in the email. Things became quite clear. I just wanted to share. i am so excited about what God has been doing in me...

'my heart aches, Passions of my heart that God put there so long ago that i was once excited about have been lying dormant for years, forced to stay quiet are stirring and for the first time in a long time, and I want these things again.

I still feel so strongly to lay it down,it's not my battle. God just tells me to continue to paint for and with Him. No one can steal my worship, or my heart.. It's not about recognition anyway, it's just about Him, and painting His heart for me, for us. 'paint the pictures I show you heather, I have purpose for all of them.' How can I doubt what he wants to do with me, when he tells me something like that? I believe he has purpose, he has big plans, and even if no one knows my name they will see Him and what He is doing, because it's all for His Glory.

I am excited for release. Its not only going to happen in painting but all of the arts, in worship, it's not like anything anyone has seen or even imagined it could be. I am excited for Him to just do so many incredible things and release a freedom and abandonment in worship that we never even knew was possible. Yeaaaah Papa, let heaven come down. '

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Wrong green..

Grrr. now here is where i get frustrated. I have painted the wrong green. What an incredible colour on my wall, but not what i want, not for this room.

So... this leaves me standing.. what does this mean.. other than it is the wrong green, is there more to it? Painting boldly.. can you paint the wrong green, if so, do i have to start all over? I am trying not to read too far into this other than, it is simply the wrong shade, it happens to everyone but still cannot help but wonder.

The past few days have been strange, since painting the wrong green. I decided to see if i can live with it a few days and didn't paint it out quite yet. I have been irritable, sad, frustrated. Felt bugged that it took me so long to pick this colour and it was slightly wrong and now i have to start all over. how silly is that? just over painting a wall.. I'm sure this has to do with something deeper. The reaction is too extreme for just painting the wrong colour. i'll think about that some more. anyway, I think that I found it now, i have purchased a new green, I'm attempting to paint again.

So i Continue on with my little DIY project of my living room! I bought some great fabrics to make pillows and today started to prime my painting for the piece of the room. I'm thinking about photography and how this room is going to come together. I know I have a tendency to jump 5 steps ahead of where I am standing but cannot help to think of where it will all end up and get excited. So in that I hear really quickly to not wish away the moment but enjoy the process... b/c there is great importance in the preparation period. so for now I am ENJOY THE PROCESS and keeping my eyes, hears and heart open to learn more about preparation.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Living Room Project

As I am about to start my second coat of paint I realize that my living room is not a one day project. This in not going to happen overnight. Though the colour on the wall may change dramatically and quickly the rest will take time. Pulling the entire vision together. Sewing pillows, painting new pieces, looking for the right accessories.

Funny how in life we almost expect God to change everything over night. we see a hint of the beginning and are so eager to see the entire thing completed. For me my green wall is just a glimps of what my room will look like and what God wants to do. I think it is just the start. And like a room takes time to put together, so will His plans for me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Paint Boldly 2

Soo... I did it. Someone said to me, what are you waiting for, just get out that brush and go for it. so I got out a brush and painted the wall.. As soon as I did it, I thought it was a mistake. I was so dissapointed, a colour that has been in my mind for years, something I thought I really wanted and now I thought it looks all wrong. I got Luke, 'eeeek' I said 'it's wrong isn't it?' - 'hmm' he said 'I thought it would be darker.. I don't think that's right... - oh wait.. maybe.. hmm, i don't know. meh just paint it, and we'll see what it looks like, it might surprise us and be exactly what we wanted'

So Here I continue painting my main living space... but as I paint i keep hearing, paint boldly heather, Paint Boldly. Just like the paint chip for this colour, there are 'colours' that i have adored lying dormant in my heart for years, they are bold, courageous, outside of the box. There are so many Hopes, dreams, ideas that i want to pursue but I have been afraid to make that first stroke, let alone paint the entire wall. I'm afraid of what it might look like to others or even to myself. Will people think I'm strange, will it be well received? What if it's not what I expected and i hate it...

Paint boldy, heather Paint boldly. Right now brings tears to my eyes. It pokes me in a soft spot in my heart that needs to be pressed. 'You are more than a conqueror.' this has been on my hearts for months (well, really for years). God pushing me, challenging me, to live open, to live boldly, to be unafraid of what He's doing in me and what He wants to do with me. He has been stirring me, changing me, teaching me, preparing me. It's time to step into change. 'It's time' i heard today.. The timing is right, and it was His timing all along. It's time to step into wholeness, clarity, calling. There is a reason why my room is Green. It was so that he could speak to me about exactly this on this day. So that he could speak to me about Boldness, He placed that colour in my heart years ago to show me that the desires in me were were placed deep in me a loong time ago and that he planned the timing of all of this. and even when I'm not sure what they will look like with that first stroke, I might be afraid, but if i follow through paint boldy, I will see His vision and He knows exactly how great it will be in the end.

ps. this colour is growing on me, the more i painted the more i liked it. i am looking at in different lights today, but i think it will look great and I love it.


Grab a brush and GO AT IT!!!
Why does this feel so hard!!??? What is she talking about?? Paint Boldly I hear, Paint boldly.

Yesterday I finished all the organization and cleaning of my room!! my bedroom, with other than some final touches, accessorizing and detailing I am done and my peaceful oasis awaits. Last night Luke and i just sat in there, all night, played with the baby, read stories and just rested. Weird, we have never done that in our room. Luke said strange it feels like a place that I want to enjoy not just 'sleep' or sleep in. it feels peaceful, enjoyable. I agree. I am trying to figure out what room this is in my life, what is complete? What did God change?

So that means the living room is next. My main living space. STRANGE I was really excited to finish our bedroom, to gut it, to clean out the closets and under the bed and I am so excted to FINALLY paint our living room (there isn't anything hiding though.. everything is out in the open). It has been a looong process to pick the colour. I have never had a problem with colour or picking colours but for some reason this room has been intimidating. but I did it. GREEN yes green, not sage, or mint, i mean GREEN like bamboo. Since we have been married I have wanted to paint a room green, I have never done it. I went out yesterday and bought the paint, the brushes, the tray, for some reason I am having trouble making that first stroke. SO BOLD. It is a complete change to my main living space. So what does this represent in me? What is my main living space that God is wanting to freshen, and paint a bold GREEN? Green symbolizes growth. that's a good thing. so why am i afraid?

(Boldly step into growth Heather, into change. Don't be afraid b/c it's gonna be alot better in the end. Trust me with your rooms, I am the best interior decorator around. ♥papa)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


have you ever noticed how much 'STUFF' you accumulate over the years?
I am in the midst of a deep clean in our house, but especially my room. Since I can remember i have been overrrun my clothes, and since we moved here, it has never really been sorted out or had any space for. I take over every closet, every storage space, every nook & cranny I can find and shove it with 'STUFF'. Really Stuff can be anything, from clothes, to art suplies, to projects, things I think I'll need int he future, things from my childhood, memories, blah blah blah. I think I have the tendencies to be a bit of a hoarder, that's wht clean outs like this are nessisary. Clothing seems to get dumped often. No matter how many garbage bags (yes garbage bags!) I give away to salvation army it seems 6 months later there are still more! So this time I have paired right down. I want all my things to fit in my closet and drawers. Now more extra piles that lay around the room that don't fit in the closet, or the extra 2 or 3 loads of laundry that aren't in there. All my stuff needs to fit in my space.

I had a dream a couple months back about our house. There was sooo much to this dream and has really been an amazing encouragement to Luke and I . It often comes up in my mind and God starts to show me new things about it. Lately one thing that has been coming up was a room that was for me, it represented my creativity. Though packed to the ceiling, everything had it's place. it was so well utilized. It was beautiful and organized. When moving into this house my #1 priority was organization. Well it never happened and I have kinda just been living in a 1/2 mess (especially in our room that has become the dumping zone) since. So. I wish I had a before pic of some kind but i don't. Project MY ROOM. Has commenced and I am determinded to live in a peaceful organized space and I am starting with our room. I read that if you have a peaceful space you are actually less stressed and sleep better, function better. Well that makes a ton of sense to me and ready to start living in peace. Life with a new baby is hectic enough, I need to feel like i have a place of rescue.

Ready to start Living in Peace..

Since homes represent Life, I am just loving all the symbolism in all of this deep cleaning. Just like God speaks to me in the Garden, he is speaking to me in my organizing & cleaning, and doing a big dump it in me. Pulling out all the things hiding under beds, in the back of closets and rearranging things in my house. He is cleaning, detailing, washing the walls, giving the floor a good scrub, dusting and repainting, rearranging, putting things back some in the same and some in new places. He is creating beautiful spaces in me, everything in the light, tossing the stuff and keeping the useful productive, good fruit in my life. Often when throwing things out/donating hem to salvation army, I have a second thought, do I really need this? Could i use it again? This time is feeling different, i just want it out for good never to return. I think in me I am making the same decisions. Finally throwing out things I have been holding onto, like unforgiveness or jealousy/envy. I am choosing to empty hidden boxes & live organized and in the light. I am ready to start living in peace.

Getting rid of 'stuff' feels amazing, I can't wait to finally be done and see how we both turn out.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


it's been a while since I've done some visual studies and practiced my creative gifts on anything other than what God has been showing me. Not that that is not a bad thing but just maybe just time it give it a go on other things too. So here I start, visual studies.. i have a few different ideas, maybe they fly and i paint furiously or they are done slowly with patience. we;ll see but i'm excited in the meantime to play.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Well as quickly as I am frustrated i am a happy momma again (i sound a bit crazy I think...) Funny how just one afternoon out of the house can change my whole person. Luke's parents are away so this means I GET A CAR!! ohhhhhhh HAAAALELUUUIAH!!! You have no idea how nice this is for me. To be able to leave if I need to rather than be trapped in this house all day. All my sadness turns happy as i drive through the gorgeous fall leaves in a whirlwind surrounding me. It gave me a chance to just breathe. Rethink, gather myself together and just catch a breath in my feelings of hostility, anxiety and hopelessness. Jack was happy to be out too. As stir crazy as I go, he must get sick of looking at the same thing, the same toys, the same songs and games too. We went to WAL-MART! Yes very exciting, but i watched him, man i am lucky. I really do have a little man happy as a bug, he smiles at everyone that goes by, rides the stroller like it's a horse, slapping the side as if to make it go faster. He loves to touch everything, arms leaned faaaaar out trying to catch the clothing and colourful packages and toys as he goes past. He yells, baaaabbaaaaaa, daaaaddaaaaaaa, mmmmmaaaaaamaaaaa down empty isles. He brings a smile to my face. This kid is the best. He has had a snotty nose like crazy for the past 2 days and I think this is part of what has been making him miserable, but through it, he still tries to be happy. and i have been missing just that... I did some reading on ear infections, and the more I read, the more i am convinced. So were are flushing them out right now, trying to clear them up so the dr can see in them. But this would explain the grumpiness, not sleeping well, hating to go to sleep or lie down in general, the hitting his ears, not eating well or nursing. Poor guy. my frustration has gotten to me and I forgot how to be compassionate. Well.. Mommy is back. and mommy feels better. at least for now. I just sat and thought for a minute about what i had written earlier, needing to surrender so that i can recieve and trust what God has for me, that it is training for the next step, for something bigger. Maybe I needed to be broken so I could get past it and get strong, with His power, not my own.

White Flag waving..

Lately mommyhood has been hard. It feels like the newborn stage all over again but with a louder, more demanding cry. I feel like the kid in the movie "wanted" where he is punched in the face repetitvely to break him, so that he surrenders his own will and trusts in the ways of the 'the fraternity' in preperation of whats to come. (i'm sure there is something very significant in this)

9 months old and I have the happiest little monkey around. He is hilarious, he is the cutest freak'n little guy ever. I cannot resist his smiles and silly giggles, the way he crawls to me saying mamma Or how he explores everything! He is a serious curious george. I am so proud and love him so much. He is sooo stink'n ticklish it's hilarious. He is smart, I mean so smart it's scary and everyone's best friend, a little charmer, makes everyone smile and laugh and tells me what a wonderful baby he is. And don't get me wrong he is 90% of the time, but as high as his highs are, his lows are low. He is a very vocal baby.. he can scream out anyone and it leaves me unsure of what to do... Once he starts up, I can't stop him. He is he strong, he can squirm his way out of any hold in a fit, making it impossible to settle him and just hold him close. This has been my life for the past few weeks, fighting with a baby usually around 3pm, screaming his brains out. The dr thinks his recent waking in the night has to do with food/hunger and a possible ear infection, o we started to feel him alot more during the day and the past 2 nights he actually slept through. This is a start but I am exhausted, even though it's only 1 hour or so of the day. It takes everything from me. I am beat up. I feel like I am trying to be broken.

I surrender.

I'm not sure to who or what but i just surrender. All my efforts can feel wasted, I am a stressed out mess most days rounding 3/4pm i just want to hide in my room with the covers over my head and cry. This got hard again. I don't feel strong. Within minutes I just have to walk away. I get frustrated, I give up, I cry.

"Heather you are more than a conquerer" I don't feel it. Not lately, not ever. I am trying to manage with joy but instead feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

Mommies any advice on how to cope, how to get through even the hardest days or seasons?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mountain Movers Conference, Catch the Fire

It was a conference this week again this week!!! Waahooo this means people take my baby and I get to paint! Jack was such a smiley little happy man making everyone laugh and trying to climb on 'soakers' on the floor. (ahh jeez) I enjoyed this conference more than any other conference i have ever been to. I was sooo blessed by Heidi Baker & Johnny Enlow (who is this guy and where did he come from? what an amazing, refreshing speaker!) Jesus broke my heart for the poor and the broken. I'm think there is much more to blog on this.. there is a deep work going on in my heart right right now.

On Friday I had the great opertunity to paint!! morning and afternoon sessions of worship, the sessions felt waay to short and so I just stayed on the stage to paint paint paint my heart out. The first piece

"The lantern"
24 x 36
mixed media

We are carriers of the light, carriers of His Glory, His presence all the while, he is holding us.

"The Potter"
24 x 36
mixed media

hmm God has been talking to me alot about the Potter, how he molds us and shapes us. Each unique, each made by his Hand and pressed his fingerprint deep in us. I searched for images that showed the intimacy that i was seeing, that i couldn't seem to quite grasp, I found it, and painted it. and I love it.

It was suuch a great day, full of blessing and such a wonderful time creating. I can't wait till the next chance i get.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

is it weird that I love the smell of fresh ink on a wood cut?
and the motion of inking that perfect plate..
or that I find bags of paint and chalk, markers and brushes exciting?
that handmade papers, make my mind spin with inspiration.

is it weird that new ideas can blossom out of simply nothingness?

i love "fragile" stickers
and bubble wrap
and packing up paintings to leave my house.
I love to pray over them, that the bless people and serve their purpose,
that they heal people and change lives.
That Jesus meets them.
That where they hang is full of His presence and intoxicating love.

is it weird that I want more kindness in the world?
more people to just love others,
more people that are truely, genuine and kind.
compassionate and actually care about other people.
strangers that hold open doors
and smile in passing.
more friends that don't wear masks,
that are kind, unique and love jesus.
that want to invest in each other.

is it weird that I just love to worship?
that I am passionately in pursuit of His Heart.
that I am never satisfied,
and always hungry and excited for more.
is it weird that I want to live in complete abandonment
and in the glory of his presence?

i love the smell of fresh sheets out of the laundry.
and the warmth of the sun on my skin.
i love that little things make me happy.

i love that I am loved...
and I love to be loved.

Friday, October 15, 2010

L - O - V - E

This is a new piece I painted recently for a friend. It spoke so much to me I almost didn't want to let it go. Love love love lovE love.. God just poured into my heart and into my spirit, I love you I love you I love you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

ask yourself

Today, what did I do for my mind?
my body?
my spirit?
my relationship?
my creativity?
my passion?

quote from Grace Hester

Friday, October 8, 2010


my student loans are paid off!!! HOLY CRAP! 4 years and $60,000 later. I have it paid. I feel on top of the world. - that is all -

Monday, October 4, 2010

how do you get over past hurt?
those things that burn deep in you... that are hard to forget..
the things you wish never happened, the things you can't take back or just wish happened differently.
the things that no matter how many time you replay it in your mind you can just never even see how it turned to something so sour.

its interesting how one look can change your entire day. your entire feeling, your mentality. how can one person have so much control over you? that they can make you feel so bad you aren't yourself for days. that they can hurt you without even saying a thing.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

"Paint for the masses"

A store owner said this to me the other day. "Do you want to be a starving artist forever? I know it goes against every grain in your body and makes you cringe, but get published, paint for the masses. Surrender to WALL ART"

It has been going over and over since he said it. Paint for the masses...

WALL ART. It isn't unique, you can buy it in home outfitters. it is often large beige splashes of abstract shades or trees with low horizons, or something graphic on a crappy stretched canvas or shitty frame. That's why it's cheap. it's boring.

I must admit, I have considered selling a 'decore' collection, where everything is really cheap and looks like this massively produced art. Just becuase if someone is willing to pay $300 for one at a store, I'd rather just paint it for you and you pay me the $300 b/c at least then it would be original and you would be supporting a local artist and not some mass big box store.

Paint for the masses... does it have to be boring? does it have to look cheap with fake paint splashes and stuff stuck to it to create fake texture? Most importantly, Does it have to be a sell out to the art market? i was surprised to come across probably the most talented artist I know, he is an incredibly respected gallery and commercial artist and is published by Canadian Art Prints. I would never expect him to surrender to Wall art. But he did it with style, the way I'd like to if I did it, he did it with uniqueness while still relating to a wide audience.

Ok I'll admit there is some cool stuff like this.

This to me is awesome, like some amazing sculptural installation. This is great Wall art. It is unique, it is special, and can you believe is mass produced?

So maybe it is just one series of everything you paint, maybe it is not everything. but maybe it helps you pay your bills and get you to the next month... Paint for the masses.. I need to express my heart, I think God will open up the doors for me to sell original art like he has been, but maybe there are other doors, unopened, unexplored. Maybe he will use me and my stuff to speak to the masses his awesomeness, though something unique, special but received by many.

I had a dream the other day, that I am in my house, standing in a room I never considered as a usable room, just a walking space, it is unswept, beige, with crappy flat weave carpeting, and a hanging light buLb with a bathtub chain pull cord. There were a few boxes, perhaps a small desk but mostly it was empty and underutilized. There was more to the dream but this room I think symbolized me and my art, my creativity. i am not utilizing it at the moment, i am not using it to it's fullest potential. I think that God designed that Room to be full of colour, beautifully organized with gorgeous decore, an easle and drafting table, books to the ceiling, a beautiful bed, with lush fabrics. It is meant to be a room full of life, luxurious and purposeful.

Paint for the masses. I need to sit on it. I would love to paint for him and speak to the masses. So how do we do it.. maybe not such a cope out like I originally felt. but perhaps an excellent opportunity.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Catch the Fire Toronto

this past weekend I had the proveledge to paint for the Catch the Fire Conference at Catch the Fire Main Campus (previously Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship). I had a wonderful time, painting live in worship and soaking in all of his goodness.

I had the opportunity to paint with a wonderful Friend, Katrina Weafer. God totally came and we had a wonderful time. She painted this beautiful piece and I'm so happy she had such a great time. I can't wait to paint with you again girl!

God spoke to me about some amaaazing stuff, I so enjoyed myself painting and letting him download. wooooohaaaaa!!! Here are the 2 pieces I painted this weekend. If you are interested in a print or an original reproduction, send me an email

God showed me this picture of his hands holding the baby, what a wonderful image of how much our papa loves us and is always there for us protecting us, and holding us in his arms of love.

"Safe Place"
20 x 40
mixed media

"The Promise"
20 x 40
mixed media

I was extremely excited to paint this piece. Many words come to mind, and he has been pressing deep into my heart, to come take his hand, even when I don't understand, to trust him, to come walk, to run and to fly. He says 'my beloved, it is my promise that I am always here.'

now i am busy with some commissions but can't wait till the next conf and what he shows me and paints with me next!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Things I am learning:

- how to knit
- remembering to turn off the lights
- pick up after myself and clean up my "projects" b/c my piles aren't as accepted by others as well as they are by myself.
- check around for the lowest price before buying (wow me? being thrifty?? buying diapers and a ton of baby shit will do that i think)
- slowly I am becoming less grossed out to the slime and mess feeding a baby solids. (is that learning? i don't know.)
- to use my creativity for other things - like I LOVE TO MAKE STUFF!!!
- that it's ok to not be painting all the time
- that art sales are not attached to my self worth and being an artist does not only shape who I am. (hard pill to swallow, but this is a big one)
- being a mommy is a lot of work, and not quite the bubble I had in my pre-baby fantasy BUT, it is even more amazing than I thought.
- how to ask God for help, constantly.
- TRUST. that he is so much bigger than me and that he really is in control.
- the art of photography and falling more and more in love with it each day. the way light hits an object, the angles of the tiny details, capturing a moment in history. oooooooo. it's not just about taking pictures, it's about making art.

I'm sure there is more, but this is what I can think of right now... hmm i think I need to consciously think about what I am learning more often.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Since I can remember my mom has been trying to teach me to knit. Of course defiant and rebellious I refused to want to learn something b/c she found value in it. How terrible is that? I guess a lot girls are this way, or kids in general, they know better and don't need to be told what to do. The past month or so I found myself drawn to wanting to learn how to crotchet. Determined to figure it out on my own, I looked it up online and tried to follow the instructions (god forbid I ask my mother the expert). Frustrated that the stitches just don't make sense to me, I just put it in the back of my mind, I'll figure it out at some point.

Mommy came to stop by yesterday to see little man and sat down on the couch and pulled out something she had been crocheting. She really is a pro and in my eyes can knit anything. as she sat there I was eying it, trying to figure how her hands can move so quickly, each stick so perfect and i couldn't even figure out one stitch. She said look honey it's easy, one step two step 3 step. I surrendered, I wanted to learn, she patiently showed me as I fumbled with the needle and yarn, of what over the years would probably turn into a fight from me being so frustrated, I actually got it. She was so proud!

So look at me! I can crochet, I learned a new skill this week. I didn't crotchet this whole thing those are my mom's perfect stitches, but see that last top 2 inches of sloppy, inconsistent stitch?? That's ALL ME BABY! I am getting faster, and tension is getting better, and more consistent, I am still learning but for the first time i am enjoying it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

little lion

My little man's new word - 'raaaaaarrrrr' like a lion as he roams around the house exploring, it is followed by squeaks & squeals of delight then "booff" also a new one, I think he is copying the dog. My little lion, asleep. which is nice to see and always a great rest because, #1 - He is a BUSY BOY! and #2 at 6 months after being a wonderful sleeper - 12h straight through the night!! He stopped sleeping. UUUGHHH what a challenging 2 months it has been, I feel like a new mommy all over again, trying to function off no sleep is killing me. I am crashing. My body needs sleep!!

Soo after a VERY long night last night, (side note, he doesn't want to play, he is just crying in his sleep) of getting up and him waking every hour, uncontrollable, very difficult to calm, I sit here this morning trying to figure out what the heck is going on... Why at 6 months did the crying begin? What changed? Happy during the day then night, goes to sleep on naps, goes to sleep easy at 7:30 - 8pm every night without a peep then around 11pm or 1am starts waking every hour, screaming. We attributed it to pain, teething probably, he's cut 4 teeth since 6 months.. but nothing touches the pain, which makes me wonder though that could be it, what if it's something else. We as parents are always trying to do whats best for our little ones and i'm trying, I'm desperately trying hard, but this, ah man, minutes feel like hours, and all of our best efforts are wasted, and often leads to a very frustrated and grumpy mommy and daddy both having to take a time out while one of us gets it together and starts for the next round. Playing pass the baby was one of our specialties when Jack was just a newborn. but now at 8 months old at 1, 3,4, 5 in the morning after just barely falling asleep it starts all over again, I am about to loose my shit by the next time he wakes. One of the things I noticed very quickly when Jack was born was I have much less patience when I have no sleep. Nothing has changed. I still can't function without sleep.

Anyway, As I was reading this morning 'Sprout Right, a nutritional guide from Tummy to Toddler" I realized of course, FOOD. 6 months is when the boy started solids and they discussed a suddenly cranky baby after starting solids. They talked about possibly having too much too soon, their little digestive systems just can't handle it or can be bothered easily. Sooo I have a new path to pursue, if this is tummy pain, I know how to fix that. OVAL is our best friend.

I know this post has absolutely no amazing revelation about God or Art, I just needed to write.

Monday, September 13, 2010

feels like a while that I've painted for me. I realize the last few months, i have been slow to paint, and when I have it is usually for a commission or something for someone else. I want to be lost in my canvas. I want to dive in and and just paint out my heart. I want time to myself. ahh my almost 8 month little boy, STILL won't take a bottle leaving it near impossible to dissapear into the world of paint. I have been keeping busy though, making things, a funny sock bunny (that is very loved by my little man) some little projects underway and still trying to learn to crotchet. I am enjoying myself. I am enjoying my creativity but still want to have some alone time, just me and a paintbrush and a fresh canvas...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

mr monkey pants

crawling means,

- more bumps and bruises

- individuality
- growing up!

Sooo we are on day 3 of full on Real crawling, it is no longer random steps, short bursts or backwards, he knows how and is furiously at it. Crawling is officially a mode of transportation. Today Jack discovered the dog Bowl...
and is also finding much interest in the stairs, scaling the couch, toybox, the furniture and chasing the dog. I have a little monkey on my hands. I seem to remember blessing his creative problem solving when he was inthe womb.. well we certainly have a little smartie pants on our hands.

The best things about today.

- Jack finding the dog bowl and splash the dog while she is eating.
- then somehow soaking his entire bottom end in the dog's water dish
- climbing me while I'm on the floor.
- giving us hugs and kisses (open mouthed slobbery kiss - the best)
- crawl up us to stand
- crawling under the side table and getting stuck.
- the double step crawl (crawl crawl, hop with both legs, crawl crawl)
- the super fast crawl (arms and legs moving as last as they can and then faceplant into the ground)
- use our clothes to pull him to stand on his own beside us and balance.
- climb up the furniture, the crib, the toybox, the ottoman, the dog, then balance himself (alone!)
- sidestep along the toy box, often resulting in toppling to the ground. :(
- pull himself up to the toybox and pick the toys he wants to play with then sit back down.
- Randomly stand on his own. (NOT Holding onto anything!!!)
- playing with his toys while squatting, (haha so cute)
- fill his dump truck with toys then dump them out
- little baby hands playing with my feet while I cook dinner
- trailing around a pull toy as he crawls or putting toys in his mouth and biting down to transport them where ever he'd like to bring them in his new spot to play.
- chasing the dog and tackling him while she sleeps. baaahhhaha - dog wakes up frightened and runs away, - 5 min later the whole thing happens all over again. BBBAHAHAHA

We had a great day.. So my life will officially never be the same, a mobile child, an entirely new season of life AND I LOVE IT!

Friday, September 3, 2010


Well as you may or may not know we have had a loong awaited backyard makeover done this summer. We waiting all summer trying not to wish it away for a new tv show to come called "Decked out!" where they transform boring lifeless backyards like ours into a wonderfully, serene fantasy wonderland bursting with life and colour that it kinda takes your breath away.

This makeover started about 3 weeks ago now, they came it drew up "the vision" and we recieved a computer generated version of what our backyard would look like. Excited seeing the potential of what our home could be we signed a contract, locked in and started to wait. Waiting waiting waiting waiting. lifeless, boring backyard, sitting unused all summer!!

and then day was here, they started! at first they started digging, digging digging digging, and when you though they were done, there was more digging. They said it was the worst dig they have done in 15 years. Total destruction of the entire backyard. i couldn't believe how long this took! It seemed that 2 weeks of the project was just digging! In the midst of digging how on earth can you ever see even a hint of what it might look like in the end? My mom happened to see pics of the muddy mess and said wow what a great object lesson!

Now you have to understand something about me and God, He is continuously showing me things. I am so visual that when he really wants me to hear something he acts it out right in front of my face to make sure i am listening...
'object lesson' - bam He does it again. God showing me, putting it right in front of my face. My mudpit of a backyard is me, it is us. All of us, we are all mudpits, then he digs and digs, sometimes days, weeks or even years go by where he is digging us a but it is all for a purpose to rebuild us into masterpieces. I listened to the complaining, ahh we all do that soo well! Stupid Rocks, so hard to get out, grunting in the heat, Bricks, rocks, rebar, digging through the clay, removing it, laying a new, clean, and building a strong foundation. All for transformation. The whole project has had so many levels of building, planning and preparation just to make sure that it is all done right. It makes me stop, reminded of all those years I complained about digging, about begin dug.
So where am I now? I think i am past all the digging. I watched as they laid the foundation of the interlock and flagstone, they dig up all the earth with a huuge machine then lay new dirt down, pack it in and then do it again, each time, a new layer, building it up more and more so that the foundation doesn't shift. I was dug for years, God pulled out sooo many rocks. I think I still get dug up a bit but maybe it is just a replanting or weeding rather than the whole over haul. My foundation is laid, it is strong and unmovable. My main structures are up, and they are starting to take shape, I am starting to see the vision that Papa has for me. The one he planned long ago in old blueprints that I see resting in a cubby above his desk, I can see him pull them out and spread them wide across his desk to look at them, rather than a digital copy, his are hand drawn. with a blue illustration pencil, they are incredibly detailed & beautiful. There is so much time spent in drafting every detail of his Vision for me. He is proud of my progress.

I think this year is the time of the big build... After watching weeks of labourious work, it was amazing that once the hard work was done, and the foundation was laid and main basic structure was up, after seeing a hint of the basic shape, it all came together so quickly and became more and more beautiful... and even when it looked finished, the stylist and landscapers came to dress it, luxurious fabrics, flower arrangements, table settings, flowers and shrubs, every detail, perfect, unique and beautiful and adding their final touches. Hmm God is so good like that, even when we look done, he makes us even more spectacular, bursting with life and colour.

so it is finally finished, excited to see what God makes of me, I guess I'll have to wait and see. But as for my backyard after weeks of a mess my little oasis is here, this magical little space that kinda takes my breath away.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Painting of the Month

Hello all!

I will be starting a new "Painting of the month!" or week or something along these lines, where i paint a new painting and for a good price :) (that will usually be a fraction of the regular cost + shipping) not sure if this will be monthly or weekly or what but, i've been wanting to do it for awhile. Art should be affordable for everyone!! Works will be available to ship all over the world. I haven't decided on the sizes or the mediums I think it will just be with what inspires me. Sooo keep your heads up and email at or message me when your interested in the piece! First come first serve :)

if you haven't had a chance check out the new site

Pieces are available and available in different payment plans etc.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

December 3rd

i began creating this last year. I was pregnant and had just been put on bedrest because I was going into early labour. I was 28 weeks pregnant, I was stressed, freaking out and scared about if Jack was ok. I just kept running over the situation in my mind and all the what ifs', living with a premie in the hospital born nearly 2.5 months early and all of the complications and fears associated with it. I just kept pressing into God. Hoping that he'd shine a light on the whole situation. He told me to rest in him. "Those who live in the shelter of the most high God will find rest in Him. He will sheild you with his wings, he will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armour and protection." Someone sent me an email and spoke into his spirit, 'little one, God has been with you in the secret place since the moment you were formed." What a beautiful word, it gave me peace and really got me through learning to rest over the next 10 weeks while i was on bedrest. "December 3rd" was born through all of this. It has been painted in layers since then. Unsure of what the finished piece would look like. it's still not finished, I will continue to wait, listen and paint as I feel led.

Monday, August 23, 2010

a new season

hmm a new season of creativity perhaps?

I suddenly want to put down my paintbrush and create other stuff..
i have a desire to just make silly stuff, take pics, I kinda want to learn how to crotchet.

I found this, aaaand I am obsessed with it.

I think this obsession started with a new hat I found in a little shop in wiarton. A friend of mine and I purchased these cute little crotchet baby hats with owls on them. I love it. The coming fall my little man will be soo stink'n cute sport'n and little who' owl on his little head.

Then 2 other friends, make all these great things and it got me think'n I WANNA MAKE STUFF TOO!!! So here I enter a new season.
I still want to paint. I still will paint, but perhaps gone are the days where I get uptight and stress about new collections. I want to rest, just be' and enjoy this new season of creating in complete freedom without expectation. It is a season of reconnecting, of growing, of just making stuff.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I have been wanting to post this for some time but it hasn't seemed like the right timing. today I was reminded of this and I think I needed to remember. when I start to doubt him God just shows me over and over how faithful he is. I need to continue to remember, Looking at January and praying and hoping I don't have to go back to work, God keeps saying to me, Trust me heather, just trust me. I was recently painting at a conference in Toronto and God showed me a picture of a fathers hand and a child holding just his finger. He said to me, Like a child, Trust me Heather. After I am done I walk off the stage and into the nursery to nurse my little jack. A woman walks in sits down beside me and pulls out a cheque book, buys the piece on the spot no more that 10 minutes of leaving the stage. The piece is called 'TRUST'. It screams in my ears, TRUST ME, i am in controll. Larter on that day I am on stage cleaning up my paints and packing up the painting and look at it again, I can't help but laugh and how good is God? I hear it again, just trust me. A man and his wife walk onto the stage beside me and begin to talk to me, they are interested in the piece but tell them it is already sold. I give them a buisness card and tell them to check out my site, and say casually "if your really interested in this one, I'm sure I could paint another... " not expecting anything he says, "done" with out even asking the price "honey can you get the chequebook" ummm WHAT!? i hear it again, trust me heather, trust me. I am freaking, i am holding a months worh of paycheques in my hands, exactly when we need it. God is amazing. To make an even longer story short, I get home to recieve an email in my inbox, a woman has just come home from the conference she would also like the piece to buy for a friend that came to the conference to buy as a wedding present - ORDER # 3 and later that week another family, wanting it as a gift. - ORDER # 4. Order #5 comes in when a store in Orangeville is interested in hanging it in their store. (Sell in Jesus name!) ok now, God has the tendincy to smack me in the face with things when I really need to hear them. If this isn't coming through loud and clear, I don't know what would. He is just so great that way. So I'm listening, I still struggling with remembering to trust him, but I'm making progress, thanks Papa for always taking care of us, especially when we don't expect it.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

michael steingard photography

my little man, 1 week away from 7 months old, bum shuffling, drooling buckets, has 2 teeth, and is a whopping 20 lbs 7 oz and 28 1'2" long!! nearly the size of a 1 year old. I am so proud, I love this kid more than I ever realized you could love someone. He's such a great gift.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Just Be.

Jack is aaaasleep. We have had a rough time with sleep since coming back from the cottage last week. Seems we threw him waaay off and now he has been waking up and not napping well. Well night now. dare I say he has been sleeping for nearly 2 hours. Ahhh a nap that makes me feel like I have had a break. I have actually had enough time to take a shower and paint, check my email, and now blog.

Since Yesterday I have been thinking a lot about what I wrote. God has been pressing into me to stop doing and trying so hard and just be. I put so much pressure on myself and forget to enjoy life. Even when it comes down to painting. I LOVE painting. that and singing and dancing around my living room are my favourite things to do. i haven't been allowing myself to just enjoy painting, Just 'be-ing' in the moment, in the paint and 'be' with God. I have been thinking ahead, this needs to get done, For an upcoming show, or a commission, or expectation to do something good b/c the last one was. I have been putting stress on myself and I get stressed thinking about painting. I am taking away from myself the rest I find in painting and pressure painting sucks. I need to stop this. I need to just rest. I need to just let go and Be. Be Still, be quiet, be who he made me to be. I need to just lay it down and rest in HIM.

I need to just Be.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

dust bunnies

I was reminded of 'myspace' today, i went on to delete my account b/c I never use it and found some old blogs from when I was in university. It seems like another life ago. As I read all these old memories came back and I realize I forgot who that person was. I was a girl, who learned how to be a child again. I was having fun, I didn't have to be grown up, I didn't have to be responsible. I lived in complete abandonment to what God was doing with our life together and in complete Trust that he would take care of us. I was confident. I was focused and I was driven. I could do anything. I felt like a superstar, blowing away my professors and leaving them speechless with my work . I found pride in obtaining ridiculous grades, researching and painting till I thought I would die of exhaustion and graduating with Top honours in my class. I worked hard, I loved to study and do the impossible. I had goals. I was proud. I was strong.

I have forgotten who I was, who i dreamed I would become. i have forgotten about that driven girl who could accomplish anything she put her mind to.

i read a friends old blog on her myspace page as well from years ago, she had just had her second child and talked about dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I feel like this is me right now. Dreams collecting dust on the shelf. I love Jack, i love being a mom but I feel like life should be further along than it is right now.

she writes "I truly thought that being at home with my second child would allow me to focus on my portfolio and work towards something....anything. But as the sun rises and sets each day, my dormant dreams still lie on the shelf collecting dust. I am now focusing on going back to my fulltime job, leaving even less time to fulfill my dreams. I believe that our dreams/passions are what make us who we are. Without them we begin to fade."

My colours don't feel quite as bright anymore.

"We surround ourselves with those who are like us and I am surrounded by talented artists, musicians and everyday drama queens who constantly struggle with their artistic dreams/passions. It seems that instead of trusting God with our future we put down the paintbrush and get the first desk job we can find to pay the bills and feed the kids. I feel as though I've pack up my dreams and place them on a shelf. Yes, I take them out every once in awhile, dust them off and give them a good run, but not with the same passion I had before."

She is right. I feel it, and it makes me cry.

I feel like i am at a funeral in my mind, mourning the loss of who I was. Can be her again? Is that part of really lost or just collecting dust? i don't feel strong. I don't feel driven. I have allowed that desk job to destroy me and I dread the thought of starting back again in January for what it might do further. It steals my joy, my creativity, and robs me of who I am. Becoming a mommy, I thought the same, time to create, time finally have it all happen. Instead I am at a stand still. I have accepted that that is ok. That right now most important is my boy. That there will be time again, and that it is just on pause. But I am afraid I will be stuck. I am afraid it will never happen for me. That I will just sit here waiting collecting dust.

I know the truth but it is difficult to remember, I am more than a conqueror and Jesus created me with a very specific design and purpose in mind. And that it is all in His timing not mine.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

what love

so jack is 6 months old now (I can hardly believe it!) and we have started solids. Well solids is an interesting way of putting it, really it is more like sticky gooey rice cereal stuff that isn't really that solid. It has been fun and hilarious teaching how to eat, he loves to grab the spoon and whip the stuff across the room, he is crazy over a sippy cup and loves to mash his hands into the cereal then smear them all over himself and anything around him.

I know this sounds silly but there almost seems to be a switch in my mind go off realizing that I completely responsible for this little guy. Through rice cereal I realize that I need to feed him! (weird that i am realizing this now...) Up untill now if he is hungry he goes on the boob. No big deal, the kid is done in 10 minutes and off we go. It has become so normal that i don't even think about it. But life is about to change.. Having a baby is living a life of constant change but wow. I need to prepare a meal for this little guy, a meal that is healthy and good for him, and i need to teach him how to eat and I need to feed it to him. I know I know this sounds rediculous like shoudn't I have realized this a looong time ago but it just kinda hit me. Then the more I thought about it and saw a "food" schedule laid out in front of me, I realized that soon we will be cutting out boob feeding and one day there will be none at all. This made me so sad. I have never thought of feedings before as something that i like, in my mind they were just necessary, but at the thought of them not happening I realized that I love it, and I will miss it. I will miss the closeness, the cuddles, the quiet moments, the snuggling, the way he pats me and looks up at me when feeding. He is such a wonderful little guy. Every month I go through his clothes and go through the ones that don't fit, I pack them away in boxes for the next little one, I know he is growing up but I think going on to "real food" i see that he really is growing up. My little baby.
oh man how am I gonna be 5, 10 or 20 years from now. When he walks down the isle to marry the woman he loves or leaves for university. I think i will still try to snuggle him in my arms even then, This little guy has rocked my heart in a way I didn't even know existed. what love.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


last night our little guy had suuch a rough night, he has been having the nasty sinus thing for a while and just when I thought it was getting better BAM he gets slammed with it all over again, can't breathe, can't sleep, he is restless and tired. Last night he went to bed with no problems, after a rough weekend I was hoping that he would rest easy and i could have a full nights sleep. But 12:45am he awoke, startled, upset, crying, having trouble breathing I go to him and comfort him, rub his tummy, feed him, rock him and after 45 min of crying harder and harder he finally settles fast asleep in my arms. Now you have to understand this is highly unusual with Jack, if he ever wakes up it is for 2 seconds only to find the soother and fall fast asleep again. For him to take this long to settle there must be something wrong. I lay him down and head back to my room, back into sleepy land for me.

3:30am we wake again, I can hear him wimpering, babbling, cry 'momma' now i don't know if he knows what momma is yet but he does say it when he cries at night or when he's upset. My husband goes in to settle him, after 30 minutes he is still crying, I go into the room to see if there is anything i can do, I have a thought, turn the worship music back on, I enter the room and see Luke, rocking his baby back and forth, talking to him, loving him to pieces. Knowing he would stay there all night and just hold and love his little guy I tell him i'll take the baby b/c he has to go to work in the morning and who knows how long this will go on for. I take Jack he cries and squirms, I speak to him in a soothing voice, I rock him and tell him I am here and that I know he is hurting but it will be ok, I tell him I love him and that I want to make it better. I hold him and kiss him, I just love him. After another 30 minutes or so He calms down and just rests in my arms, I decide to set up camp on the floor of the nursery, i grab a pillow and a blanket and I fall asleep holding him, telling him I love you, I love you, I love you. He snuggles up and sleeps the rest of the night.

Funny I asked God when getting pregnant to teach me about things along the way, about being a parent and paralleling them with the heart of Who God is. He told me he was going to teach me about love. That's exactly what I'm learning. Love love love. Last night as held my little one I would do anything I could to make it go away. I cried as he cried in agony, upset, his little face, tears pouring, no matter what I did, there was no response, he couldn't hear me, he could only focus on his pain. His little face all scrunched up sobbing, it made me cry and broke my heart. But when he finally heard me he began to listen, settle and rest. I saw that when we are hurt or upset, we may not know who or what God is but cry out papa, we kick and scream, we cry in pain not knowing he is there. It breaks his heart as all the while he is holding us, trying to comfort us but we are too worked up to listen or feel Him. Finally, we start to settle and are able to hear his soothing voice and loving arms holding us, comforting us and loving us through it all. In that we are able to find peace and rest in his arms.

Like Jack who knows his momma and daddy and will rest and find comfort in our arms. We need to just rest in Papa's arms, to give up our pain and allow ourselves to just be loved.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Love is all you need

30 x 40 . oil

In the midst of a tragic loss of a family friends child this week
I began to paint. I just painted and painted and painted and sobbed
the whole way through. My heart aches for momma, for the family,
for the thought of anything happening to my little guy.
my heart aches for understanding.I asked God so many questions
but received no other answer than, he sobs with us too,
his heart aches with us too, and through it all,
he loves us. He loves us, he loves us, he loves us.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

In His Hands

my heart aches. for understanding for more than this. I can hear you talking but why can't we talk about what I want to talk about? Questions go unanswered. I feel you surround me, Like waves of grace, peace and love overwhelming. But I feel sick. All I can hear is He's in my hands.

'in His hands'
mixed media, 2010

Friday, July 9, 2010

from the self portrait study
woodcut, 2006

ahh printmaking, one of my favourite and most missed past times. i love the process, I love choosing of hand made papers, the smell of the ink, and the feeling you get when your print comes out perfectly off the press! Feeling inspired to get back to it, I bought some carving tools and ink to make some block prints. Though I don't have access to a press I will enjoy every moment and get printing!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I seem to have lost my patience today.. with a sick, teething little boy I just spent nearly the last hour trying to calm an inconsolable 5 1/2 month old. This was crying like i have not heard since he was born and with his volume nearly 4 time louder than it was then, I just couldn't do it. I put him down and walked away. I don't think 'crying it out' works but today I was at a loss and didn't know what else to do. My patience fried, all my efforts thrown in the garbage, failure creeps in and Plants a seed, a lie deep into my mind, 'You suck as a mom, look you can't even console your own baby.' Frusterated and angry, i scream. The reality of mommyhood, it is hard sometimes. I haven't felt these feelings in months, I have enjoyed my happy little baby and quickly forgot the hopelessness you feel in being unable to help your own child. I try to regain my strength and pull it together, back to the drawing board, trying to love even when you are angry and don't want to. I gently rock him, though i have had enough, I am pushing through. Finally asleep and comfortable my little guy falls asleep in my arms and now beside me as I write this. My feelings still lingering.


How powerful lies are. They grow rapidly like weeds in our minds taking over everything at such an unbelievable rate. Leaving us helpless and hopeless in sometimes just minutes. just the feeling of failure seeds in thoughts of doubt and the lie starts to grow and take over. They Steal from you and rob you of everything good. I am surprised in how fast I feel stolen from sometimes and it can take from me months of good things God has been doing in me. Finding myself back in a place that i hate being in. Feeling alone, depressed, worthless. As I write this I am trying to look to God to give me clarity, to renew, restore and help me to be stronger, to bounce back quicker, but sometimes it only takes a few minutes but sometimes it can wreck my whole day or week. Just from a little (well a lot) crying...

(I walk away, have some lunch and sit back at the computer..)

I think I am getting there, I am learning. I am already feeling more logical, more clear. I look at him laying there, so peaceful, all the negativity melts away, you complete me, you complete our family, i love you, i love you, i love you.

i realize I let lies steal from me more than i realize sometimes. They seem to really attack who I am. They steal from me and my heart. They feed on vulnerability and weakness. They steal my confidence, my vision, my excitement and passion. Satan loves that doesn't he? He loves to steal our joy. It can cause me to give up, to not express or paint for ages. Lies stop me from doing great things and cause me to sit stagnant for along time. How do you get stronger? How do you fight back? I suddenly think about the lawn, weeds grow where the grass is thin, unhealthy, dying or where there is none at all. Thick, healthy grass chokes out weeds making it nearly impossible to grow. SO i guess I need some healthier grass.

God help my grass to grow thicker, not to forget to water it everyday, fertilize (hmm future blog..? shit helps you grow!) and reseed with good seed so that weeds can not take over my lawn.

Friday, July 2, 2010

had a dream last night

it has been a while since the last time I had a dream... Probably b/c I haven't had a sleep period long enough to get to a proper REM cycle. All I see in this dream is my feet, they are wearing white running shoes and i am running on the pavement, foot after foot, running, running. Luke is beside me and the baby is in a running stroller. We are not running away, we are running in peace, loving it. enjoying being together. I feel good. I feel refreshed. I feel strong and healthy.

any interpretations?


Saturday, June 19, 2010


I am such a proud momma today!! My little man rolled over for the first time!! Of course i was at the store and he did it for Daddy but it still counts! I can't wait to see it!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

This image has come to me a million times. a woman jumping, dancing in complete abandonment in worship. This time it came back to me through a friend who asked if I could draw it out for her for something she was doing. So here it is revisited again. God keeps bringing me back to this. Yesterday I pulled out a canvas and I find myself yet again painting her. Every time I do it sells, its like it leaves me before Papa talks to me as much as he wants to about it. Or maybe I keep revisiting her b/c there are many more layers to what he wants to show me about it all. Either way, i'm glad she keeps coming back. it's a nice reminder to keep handing it all over and that living a life in complete abandonment really is a life in freedom.