i haven't been blogging the past couple days.. I really been pouring all of my spare timei into painting. Coming up this space at GATE 403 I suprised myself at the amount of space there is and am doubting how much work I really have.. Soo... that leaves me painting like a mad woman. Which of course means lots of time talking to God as paintings emerge before me. Funny when I paint, I really don't think much about what I am doing, I just paint and talk to God, hours pass and there is a painting infront of me. I am always suprised as a resolution to something or conclusion or just the finishing of a conversation comes to a close, so does the piece.
Last night I found myself working furiously for hours, and found myself painting myself into a very in a very angry place, an incident that happened nearly 4 years ago now. God has been speaking to me about exposure. Bringing light to all the dark areas, pulling the crap out of my closets, cleaning the floors and dusting (see earlier blogs.) So last night here I stand, covered in paint, in my basement angry, yelling at this person who hurt me, pouring my whole heart into saying all the things I want to say, the things I hold back. I am mad at myself for being vulnerable, for allowing myself to be in such a position and How changed i am because of it. I stop.. I realize what I am doing and I sound like a crazy person. Tears streaming down my face can't believe how upset i am... It was so long ago. I had no idea this was so strong inside of me but painting has brought me into this place. It is a place of the unconcious, a place of vulnerability, a place where healing happens. I step back and look at this hurt girl sitting before me, Jesus where were you? He shows me.
I cry at the thought of this.. what an amazing moment. Afraid, last night I think I leave this thought, this place and move onto something else pretty quickly but I return to it today perhaps ready to listen, ready to believe truth... I know that that is Him pursuing me with His love. There is never a moment where He stops pursuing you with His Love. Even when we are afraid, even when we are hurt, have been hurt he was there, you just have to ask him, picture the moment of pain, the room, the place, run it like a movie, and ask Jesus where are you? Look around the room in that space of pain, He will show you and just wait. for me he was sitting on there stairs watching, then walked over and held me, & shielded me. He will show you where He is and reveal His Heart, the truth to you. In all of this i am still sitting, learning but i know Jesus has incredible revelations for us and wants to keep pulling the crap out from under the beds. This is a season of exposure. I think that creates a season of healing. Healing hearts, minds, bodies which really is pretty exciting.
I'm not even sure why I write this. Maybe just to get it out. maybe just to say that there is hope for healing. maybe just a demonstration the power of painting/creating and that God uses everything and has great big plans for each of us and it is His heart to just love us.