how deep is your love..

i want to write, but don't know the words to say.. other than how deep is your love for me?

Something struck a chord a couple of days ago, it pressed into me like a finger poking deep into my rib. it hasn't let go yet. And for some reason I can't figure out what it is but I'm not myself.

Thoughts... most people have disfunctional families, how is anyone ever suppose to fully understand the heart of God without having a clear, strong, 'perfect' parental figure. All would be flawed in some sense as none of us are perfect parents.. I realize this must really have to be shown to us supernaturally by Him who He really is b/c we would really have no comprehension as we have nothing to base it against even with the best parents. I grew up having and incredible mother and father with a healthy loving marriage but my dad was away alot on buisness, so what I know as father would be flawed. right? God doesn't leave on buisness trips he is always around... i didn't realize that that would change how I understand God. Maybe I don't fully trust him all the time b/c i'm afraid he'll leave on buisness. as silly as that sounds it feels accurate. I warp my understanding of God through my understanding of a father or mother is and really though their imperfections..

So I keep wondering, How deep is your love? I mean really. I know how insane I am about my son, I can't believe what strong raw emotions come with having a child of your own. It gave me a really appritition for my parents love for me. But does it even come close to God's love.. and if not, then how much more does God love me? I don't think we can ever have a real understanding of how much it is. can we?

The words "be at rest oh my soul for the Lord he is good, he is good, he is good, he is good" has been at me for 2 days now. Maybe this is a seperate blog... maybe there is no end to this one as it just strings along more thoughts, more questions.. But "be at rest oh my soul" puts me to tears. Something is stirring inside of me. I had this feeling last year for months before God showed me what it was. It started anxious and turned to excitement.

Thought: I am never satisfied. I grew up in a church hungry after the heart of God, experiencing things that people look for their whole lives, amazing miracles and testimonies, people being impacted in such an incredible way, but i am still waiting to be in shock and awe like them. Somwhere along the way it all became very normal for me.. I expect God to be great, he is GOD. I have been so lucky to grow up with these experiences but this then leaves me hungry, chasing him, looking for more, wanting to be wowed, and left never satisfied. Living in a voluntary brokeness so that I can see and experience more of Him? I'm not sure but all I know is i want more, I want more, I want more. It aches inside of me.

smash my heart wide open God. I want to see you. I want to know how deep your love is...