i have clear memories of painting with joy at an easle at the harbourfront center. My mother used ro bring me there as a child. Id stand at the easle and be free my 3 or 4 year old self happy as happy can be.

Last week i posted on IG a quote that said "the worst enemy of creativity is self doubt"  I put it out there because thats how I was feeling that day.  That's how I can feel many days, in fact I've struggled with it most of my life. Not adding up, not being enough, not making the cut. I have most recently in a maturity of some of my creativity finding myself absolutely brutal with myself. In my success beating myself up for the tiniest of faults.  It has led to hard work and great successes but negatively a perfection that I cant live up to myself. When I had my first baby I realized how I could not live up to this at all not anymore and had to begin letting go. I couldnt balance all the balls and one by one watched them topple  and fall to the ground.  I began to let go of perfectionism and the house and the laundry and dirty dishes. I did what I could to survive and though ok for a while, not enough has crept its way back in and reminded me every day for years that I am not doing it all very well. That I mess up, that I'm letting people down,  that others can balance work and life and kids with ease but you are a failure. You are not enough. You cant do it. You are a mess. 

This leads to a really viscuous cycle. balancing all the balls, letting them crash, trying, doing your best but not meeting your own expectations, falling into depression, or anger, taking it out on the people you love,  beating yourself up for messing it up, and not being able to take any critisism thrown your way.

Last night the balls fell. over something so small as the kids fighting to eat dinner. It was a mess. I was a mess. but words spoken out caused me to be more than angry and just start to devour everything in site. monster. when i realized what i was doing to stopped and looked back. how can this be happening. to try your best and detroy your efforts. i am reminded of hearing words out of an orphan heart or out of a healed heart. What was being shown to me wasn't wrong, but how come I couldnt hear it. I heard it this time. something needed to change.  Within the next 30 minutes 2 people emailed me one that was a similar situation with a friend and her spouse but the other side of it, i needed to read this, to see the effects my actions had on people. words arent just words. i feel like i grew up not seeing the impact of them. that it was ok to fly off the handle and never apologize, that the words meant nothing when the emotions drove the bus.

Many things have been adding up to come to a head, many areas of my life coming to a peak of moving forward crossing the lines of vulnerability and fear of the the unknown.