Thursday, September 28, 2017

I expected to feel dissapointed. no matter ho much i prayed i expected to be let down. for them not to be heard to have turned a blind eye to. not less than 3 weeks ago we walked into an apointment strong and confident, expecting to hear its nothing, there is no cancer. But we were wrong. In total shock.

let down. 
why?  what? 
but.. we felt so much peace. 

-enter lies and the game of he loves me, he loves me not-

as I got in the car to leave for jacks appointment I felt defeated already.

whats the point? 
its going to come back more problems, there is always more problems. 
we are never going to see then end of this. 

i watched my sons face drop at his last appointment with the words more surgery floating in the air. more. i prayed and prayed and prayed but i have prayed so much that when is it heard? why does this little boy have to go through all of this? i got into the car and recognizing these feelings instead of holding them in I changed the recipe and took off the armor and vulnerably sent out an sos.

i feel hopeless in this situation.  

as i drove i began to pray in the car. god i feel hopeless in this. that it will never stop. that even though he seems ok, and not sick and hearing well, they will tell me there are more problems. that he will need another surgery, that you will not heal him. that it will never be the end. please, prove me wrong.  

i am realizing all of the area i have been feeling hopeless. makaylas battle with her skin, benton getting hurt all the time, luke and cancer, jack and his ears. Will we never see the end? crying out with no response.

Do you believe that God is good all the time?  

last night, calling out the boldness, speaking in truth and demolishing lies. what is the lie? 

god will disappoint me. 

this stops me from really diving into him. stops me from trusting, believing. what an amazing strategy to keep me from him. it makes me afraid. it causes me to stop, to be cautious, to hold me back. it stops me from taking his hand in the wheat fields and running together.

the truth is you are good.  you are good you are good you are good.


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