i painted for the first time in months this week at a conference at my church, something i haven't done in nearly 7 or 8 months. i was hesitant at first but decided to go for it and i'm so glad i did, what a journey God took me through is just a short worship session he met me, and we had a great time.
since the baby has been born I have struggled a lot with my identity. Seems weird to say but it has felt like everything i worked towards, all the shows and education, was all for nothing, to throw it all out the window to be a mom. i have felt lost. It sounds selfish but it is really honest, i have been missing apart of me, the only me I have ever known seemed to be missing and was replaced with 'mommy heather'. I know that when you have a baby it is 'death to self' but didn't realize quite the impact it had had on me to just recently.
Getting pregnant last year I thought it would be the most inspirational time of my life, instead I felt exhausted, unmodivated and painted very little, unless it was a commission or for a show. God told me he wanted to teach me about love. everything i did paint for myself, shot deep into my heart, and I experienced the deepest, most intimate conversations I'd ever had with Him. Things kinda went on pause, the baby took over my life and haven't had anytime for me or really even take a shower let alone paint. But God has had other plans, I think the break was really to show me more about myself and finally address this identity issue I had been struggling with.
He has been showing me his hands lately, how much they can handle, what they are capable of and I think it is the greatest most beautiful representation of all the things he is and can do. This week He showed me a Child holding his papa's finger. There is so much Love, so much trust, this little boy being led by his papa.
My son is now 4 months old, my husband and i are beginning to talk about what happens in January, will I be going back to work... I always thought that when I had babies I would never go back to work, but stay home full time take care of the kids and finally make a living off my art. But fear that it is not a steady cheque and that really we have no idea what will happen if we only rely on art sales. On Saturday God spoke to me about me, who i am, most importantly not finding my identity in being an artist, or a mom but firstly, being a daughter of the king. And that being a wife, a mom, an artist, are all apart of me, they only add and just create a fuller me not take away from who he created me to be. That being a daughter of the King i need to learn to really trust him and put all of this in His hands. Wow, ok, I am royalty, a daughter of the King and need to Trust that my dad, the King will take care of me... As i walked off stage still digesting this I take my son to the nursery to feed him. In a daze a woman walks in to the room and asks to speak to me about my painting. I openly speak with her, she shares her story with me about her and her ministry, as I listen she pulls out a cheque and asks me how much the painting is, she feels that God has been speaking to her about the piece and it has greatly impacted her. without hesitation, She writes me a cheque on the spot. WOW. I am quickly reminded to "trust my dad the King. After the service is over still in shock I begin to pack up my work, I have a small crowd at the bottom of the stage asking me about the piece and sharing with me their hearts of what God spoke to them about and how much my painting nailed them all! Wow, soo cool God! As I talk to each one by one, a man walks right up to me and tells me he wants to buy it, I explain it has already been sold but would be happy to show him some other works, his wife and him agree it needs to be this piece. I tell him I'd be happy to paint another like it if they are that interested in this one, they say yes and write me another cheque for the full amount! Amazing.
I go home that evening talking to God, wow if he can provide for me almost an entire months pay in one afternoon how can i be so afraid that he won't take care of us. In tears I drive home, he begins to speak to me about being his daughter, how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. I wake up the next morning to an email in my inbox, a woman at the confernce so impacted by what God showed me, she is also interested in a print or reproduction, a big smile comes to my face and I am reminded again Like a child trusts his Dad to always to provide, my dad is the King.