Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Number Two

Lots of talk lately about #2’s. This got me thinking today, and I must admit these thought s have been swarming in mine and Luke’s mind… #2… Many people around me are thinking about #2, carrying # 2 or have just had their sweet little #2’s. (well some are the #3’s and #4’s but woah woah woah, let’s just focus on # 2 for now.)  About a month ago, I had a great desire to have a baby in my belly again. Having someone to grow in there, take care of, that whole fantasy of a baby. But then reality sets in and wow 2 would be out 9 months later. 2!! And I’ve had a baby I know how smashed that dream is very quickly after birth, b/c new babies are hard!!! I read a friends blog today on # 2, about being ready or not being ready. Now I must admit and I am quite vocal about this (as is she) a baby is NOT EASY!! And 2 is wow. But I think or us we’ve reached a point of, if it happens we will be so happy, but I don’t think we are quite ready to try’ yet.. That said I never want the thought of it being too hard to take over. And maybe next time I’ll have a more positive outlook on a difficult baby b/c I’ve gone it once already.

This thought brings me back to labour, it looks impossible from the outside looking in but going into it positively, it sucked while it was going through it but it was manageable and I got through it.. I never wanted the thought of it being to hard to take over b/c the end result was the best. Here are some thoughts from that night...

“The night is foggy, some parts stand out more than others. I remember counting the polka dots on the curtains during contractions. I remember trying to save face when another woman in labour was watching me have a contraction. I remember walking in the quietness of the hospital. I remember God’s presence with us. I remember Luke doing everything he could to help me, I remember his support, his drawing on my arms, cold cloths on my head, I remember back massages to relieve the pressure, I remember his encouraging words and soft voice.  I remember it was tough, but doable with focus and a clear mind. I remember coaching our little baby to let Jesus show him the best way to get out. I remember Luke and I breathing together, dance together, walk together in the stillness, in the quietness of the hospital get through each contraction. I focus on opening up and staying relaxed, the more relaxed I am the easier my body can open up and do what it's suppose to. I give in to the process. I give in and let my body communicate to each other telling each other the next step in what to do.”

It seems that even though it’s hard, if you just give into the process it all becomes much easier. I have no control so let go. Maybe motherhood is also this way, we have no control, give into the process and try to make the most of it while it’s hard. .. in the end, it is well worth it, because  there are moments like these… 

Pushing.. wow what a strange experience. It is such a relief at this point holding it is really hard, but man is it hard and exhausting! But something comes over you, this incredible strength, motivation, excitement to see your little one and you try your hardest to get them there, effort cries off the end of each push I take a breath and go for another, I worship, I squeek out the words to the songs between and during pushes I yell, COME ON JACK! I pray for help from papa.. Then after all that work, HOLD IT! Hold it!!?? I wait wait wait, the dr Jokes that the top of the baby's head is out so far they could stick a hat on it. Then one small push and "OW OW OW OW OW" I cry out loud, "DON'T STOP! IT'S THE SHOULDERS!" - WAIT THE SHOULDERS!!!?? WHEN DID HIS HEAD COME OUT??? But then all of a sudden the most beautiful moment, he is there, on my chest, my son. His face all scrunched up it is engraved in my brain. Squinty, puffy eyes and cute little face. I hold him and laugh and cry all at the same time. It is the most incredible, most overwhelming feeling I have ever felt. I look at Luke and we stare adoringly. We are a family. What a beautiful moment, the best day of my life.”

Through the shit, the hardest parts, birth the most beautiful life. So how can you not stare into that face of love and want another? # 2…. Not sure when, but I know it’s coming. Until then I’ll just wait and enjoy my wonderful # 1. 

1 comment:

amathesonallen said...

Oh my, I just definitely cried reading this. Awesome.