simplify.. day 3

a world without facebook... I must admit even a few days ago the thought struck a touch of panic. lol i know that sounds funny but really, for this stay at home mama it is  nearly her only connection to the world outside my littles. All my friends work, I don't have a cell, so no texting, I am alone..  I've held onto this for sometime. It my only connection to my friends...

When did social media change this idea of friendship.  Facebook has created this false sense of closeness and communication. Somehow replacing real relationships placing in the mindset that in depth conversation and one on one in person interaction, looking someone in the face for some reason no longer required. Is this what you want? Is that what I want? Surface relationships with people I kind of know or knew at one point in my life? My actual friends I have hardly any interaction with on facebook at all.  As I scroll through the board, posts of people I hardly know, and honestly don't really care what they have written, are complaining or boasting about, random singing or  the next greatest talent' or photos that i have no connection to anyway. On top posts can cause you to feel terrible, unsuccessful, a failure, untalented, overall unhappy with yourself b/c life is much easier or better for others. So what am I looking for? Approval, connection, community? This fear of What if I'm missing something had haunted me. Or if I get rid of it, I will have connection to the outside world!!! and I will be even more alone. but This isn't friendship. This isn't closeness. Its a false sense of connection.  Do I really need to be scrolling through randomness that I don't care about missing out on the sweet little faces right in front of me?

Coming to this thought a few days ago when I began writing this blog it hit me hard,  I'm alone.  as it started to really sink in  the phone rang. one of my dearest friends that lives so far from me called to just see how i am and tell me they were thinking about me and love me. Its what sent me over and a pent of wave of emotions fled out (darn preggo hormones I cry at everything!) but they were emotions and real feeling that needed to come out, loneliness is a real thing and I have been feeling it for a long time that I began to crowd by days with being busy, letting myself think that motherhood is too hard and so kept myself occupied with other things to check out its reality it turn "sabotaging my own ability to love and live life" i quote because i couldn't find it better said that in a blog i discovered this week. http://www.handsfreemama.com/ its amazing and inspiring and I am right on track with what she is saying what she is  and it writing as helped me get to a place of revelation that I have been hiding from for a long time. SIMPLIFY. unplug from technology and free up your life (a whooole other blog to come on identity after motherhood) so you can enjoy it and love it. And i am not alone. i have an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends and amazing kids that love me very much and social media isn't it. 

I sat watching my 2 year old daughter eat french fries in the food court this week while christmas shopping (yes no judging we were out for a treat). I sat with her as she ate and just drank her in. watched the way she carefully chose a fresh cut fry and oh so daintily dipped it in her gravy (yes we love fries and gravy takes after here mama. ) the her little fingers held it, hey way her long eyelashes fell on her cheeks as she looked down, her carefully lift, not to drip but then the sweet grin when she tasted them. it was so sweet. like the whole foodcourt was on mute, i could just stopped the busy and watch her, her savour. I didn't care if it took all afternoon, i would sit here and watch her sweetly enjoy each one. it made me smile. it made her smile. engraved in my mind i remember thinking i want to remember more like this. i need to slow down and see my kids see into them, pay attention and enjoy them every day. i don't want to miss it.

what broke my gaze was a mom huffing and puffing beside me trying to her her son who was not fighting or grumpy into a high chair. I looked around and everywhere i looked, parent after parent with their faces in cell phones, kids looking at them with hope for communication and some just staring off into space like they'd given up trying. The lady beside me who had just been putting her son in the chair lady, without taking her eyes up from the screen, plopped food down in front of her 18 mos (or so) son, while she sat  engrossed in her cellphone. Not once did she look up, acknowledge him, talk to him but 2 x hold up a fry in his face as he looked up at her for some kind of communication. Some time later she looked down seen that he had eaten only a few bites, yelled at him and took away his food 'that's it! you're done!' and picked him up angrily lecturing him for not eating. It broke me. I don't have a cell (yes i am probably the only one on the planet but I don't want one) I have been her. I have been so engulfed in other things that I didn't take notice, i have gotten frustrated of soo many kid things like being silly or playing too loudly. I have been so preoccupied with my own stuff and I have missed it.  It made me think of this past lunch hour and reinforce how much I didn't want to miss it anymore. I don't want to be all those parents on cell phones. I didn't want to feel irritated at home b/c i was busy trying to send off an email or some other mundane task i thought was more important. Everytime "just a minute" becomes 30 or everytime i choose to look at a screen  to look at one more thing or allow myself to zone our, instead of be present with them tells them, 'you are not important enough' or that they are being and inconvenience. omg. my heart. What kind of generation are we raising?

Your kids aren't a disruption of your life, they are your life.

We have let so many thing cloud our lives that we allow our kids to become accessories and if you don't bother or disrupt me than we won't have any trouble. Wake up. WAKE UP. We are raising people. You are shaping someone here. They are gifts that God has given us, trusted us with to pour into, teach, help grow into amazing people that will impact the rest of history. (hands free mama) amazing!!!! that will impact history!!

I originally joined facebook about 10 years ago in university, it was a way to know when parties were happening and where. I barely used my computer, unless I was writing papers. Never did I expect it to grow into the addictive monster it has become. And not just facebook, my computer, my laptop, or ipod. All time stealers.  They have sucked me in and caused me to miss out on so many dear moments in life. It has caused me to be irritated for no reason. It has caused me to loose touch, miss out on my kids, get depressed, loose my sense of self or connection with myself and God. I've allowed it to steal from me. 

Its been 3 days of minimal use of any technology and cutting out the busy' if so only during nap time. I am happier. My kids are noticeably happier, I am not irritated, I have more patience, they aren't fighting together and when they do I have the patience to diffuse the bomb and help them work it out. There are less meltdowns in the house (on both child and parent end lol), we are communicating more, snuggling more, we are closer. My husband and I are talking more and working together through how to help them manage emotions and seeing what it working and what isn't.  The house is cleaner, dinner is made, I don't feel as stressed or anxious. I don't feel overwhelmed and drowning. I feel satisfied. I feel hope.  How can so much change in just a few days?

I'm looking forward to this change and this journey.

simplify

Simplify. cutting out the busy and just simplifying life. My husband said it recently "I wish life was just simpler sometimes". It stuck with me. I wish life was simpler and easier too. I was finding myself frustrated with everything lately and hardly enjoying any days. The house is a mess, the kids are fighting, my husband works a million hours, money is tight, trying to balance home life with how to also run a little photography and art business, stay ahead of the game, fulfill myself, my marriage and my home family life. Everything kind of came to a head at the same time where 100 problems suddenly abrupt and I start to really look at them sit and think, I need to fix this!! Work things out and look at them logically, why are my kids acting this way, why am I? I am desperate and something has got to change!!  And its like it so simply makes sense with one word. SIMPLIFY. Simplify life. Remove the distractions. Rest. Be with your family. Not just present but remove the business of life and just enjoy them, and TRUST ME with the rest.

God has talked to me so much about letting go of next year. Stop pushing for work just stop. Rest, reconnect with God, myself, my husband and my kids. Stop trying to perform and fix life. Resting on myself to fix problems instead of trusting him is just not the way to go. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God'. I'm not a bible quoter but really i find this to be true right now. Seek Him. Rediscover 'him and me alone' where it is is free and nothing else matters. Knowing and living loved. I've been playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' when things go right or wrong. I've been grabbing trying to provide for ourselves with most efforts gone to shit. I've lost my trust. And in the meantime been clouded by so many things that waste my time, steal my joy and cause anxiety. Simplify.

Earlier in the year I sat on my ipod, it has a giant crack down the middle. I was disappointed at first but I felt God show me almost right away, he wants to break the devices that distract us from what really matters. For me my ipod (i don't have a cell phone) was a problem. It was clouding me from seeing what mattered - my family. It sucked my time and energy and kept me distracted from connecting. I hate to see people out with their kids with a cell phone in their face ignoring their kids or the people they are with, but I was doing it at home. With a laptop or an ipod, with an art project, painting or editing, with cleaning the house or a phone call. I was missing out and I was showing them that everything else I was doing was more important than them. I came to this realization 6 months ago. you know i'm still doing it. I'm still fighting it. This week I have had a major wake up call to this problem of busy-ness and distractions And I'm being called to simplify and the first step is to remove distractions.  I am tired and worn and with another baby on the way I need to get life back in its right priorities. 

The end of an era: School Days

                                                                                                                                                      michael steingard photography

I find myself after 2 years of not touching this blog I just have to write. Some way this thing helps clear my mind and thoughts and help me see clearer.


This evening I find the more I come to realization things are about to change the more hot tears fall from my burning eyes. My son is going off to Jr Kindergarden this week. I know it sounds silly but my feelings of loss and sadness are real. Its like he's going away and its not for a short time or a few days or a special event, it is every day... its forever. Its the end of an era. Its the end of spending everyday with this wonderful little person that I love with all of my heart and is my entire world. Who since he was born I have spent every day with. This is the end of silly days of laughing and tickle wars, pajama days, endless book reading, Sparkling eyes and smiles I could stare at and never tire of. The end of building of endless hot wheel tracks that extendend down the stairs and out the front door, forts and couch jumping competitions. Going outside in the rain and jumping puddles or just feeling it fall softly on our skin. The end of exploration walks and discovering new things everyday together. The end of crafts and painting together, silly songs and making breakfast and lunch together. Its the end of spending every day with my little boy. And yes i know, i still get to see him ever late afternoon and evening and on the weekends, but its not the same... its not the same at all.  in my place will be another woman I don't know spending more time with him than I will getting to have all of his laughter and smiles. Watching him grow and learn. I am sad.  All the things I will be missing.  I wish I hit record to all of the moments, smile and even the tantrums. So I will never forget them.  It has suddenly made me see and hear all of the "it goes by fast, enjoy every moment" s' I have ever heard. It has made me regret every selfish moment of wanting time alone or frustration I have had over not knowing what to do or being unable to handle a situation as good as I could have. I instantly have more grace, more compassion and even more love for both my kids. I am savouring. I am remembering and knowing that these little years do go by fast, so love them and enjoy them though difficult, take a minute to savour them. Take them in.  Engrave them in your minds and in your hearts because they will never be this little again. See into your children because they notice when you are not present, and when something else is more important than they are. See into who they are, mold them, shape them, invest in them and use every moment.. They are a gift entrusted to you to pour into and love and give and shape and teach.  Nothing else is more important.

So this week we step into a new season, a new change. School days. This is going to be a big adjustment for us both but I step into this season really appreciating, and learning to walk in loving the little years, walking in more grace and patience and choosing to no longer waste any minutes and fully taking in all the ones I do have.

wowza a year??

It has been over a year. dang a year. i realized this this week that I had completely dropped the ball on the blog not even realizing it had been an ENTIRE YEAR. where did this year GO? I always wondered why when mama's have more than one baby suddenly the blog dissapears~!?? oh wait. its b/c you actually have zero time to yourself. There is always someone there, awake, needing something, asking something, wanting to be held, played with, cared for, kiss their booboo's, hold them, rock the, feed them, teach them new things, explore with them, find their shirt, help them put their socks on, wipe their bum, change their diaper, put them to sleep, i could go a long time, the list goes on and on. I need me time. I would not trade them for ANYTHING. but I need me time. so I HOPE** to reconnect with this blog b/c it gives me some rest, some peace of mind, some sorting of my thoughts and feelings, things become clearer and more importantly its just me, my brain, my heart and my keyboard. I feel better when I get a little bit of silence. When my brain is active and not in automatic. When I can just process what I am feeling. When my heart feels sad, it can just pour out and I stop feeling a mess. or when I am trying to understand what God is doing I find clarity, or excited about what God is doing, I put into words how grateful and overjoyed I am. I love writing a blog, and journal of my thoughts and feelings and place where I can just have time for me. So here I am, hoping to spend more time with myself and my heart. It has been an incredible year. My kids are amazing, I love them to pieces! This has been an incredible year of blessing and increase and surprise, I am so looking forward to sharing and processing how DEEP he has been taking us.

Adventures in Pottyland: Part 2

photo credit: photosbytrayc

We started this journey many months ago, you can read about it here. Here is our story of the adventures in pottyland.

I think it was a combination of 3rd trimester exhaustion, jack not being completely ready and then the arrival of little miss but we never did get to nailing down the full time potty. With a potty full of stickers, they slowly became less exciting and when Makayla was born he did not want to go in the potty any more and would get angry when we tried to encourage him to, (which I wondered might happen) so we left it. Newborn phase is tiring enough, added chasing a toddler and managing a naughty dog, I wasn't ready to commit to the full time potty anyway. Jack continued to do it part time, some days all his pees and poos, some days just mornings, some days not at all. We discovered that smarties are much more exciting than stickers, so he gets a smartie every time he goes, LOTS of praise and told how proud we are everytime, lots of hugs and smiles and this he loves I think more than anything. It has been about a month that he showed real interest again and this week I'm not sure what changed but he was no longer interested in his diapers and ventured into his special big kid underwear drawer. I was quite excited to see this as there has been NO interest in wearing big kid undies to this point.  He asked to wear them, we said ok. but there is a special rule, we cannot pee or poo in big kid underwear, we have to use the potty. He agreed. we are on day 4, it is actually working!!! I am pretty impressed! And now we are going through smarties pretty quickly but I think he's got it! He has had a few accidents, 1 in his underwear and shorts while playing outside and another just today where he started to pee on my mom's outdoor carpet instead of peeing in the grass (yes he is a boy, come on, might as well take advantage of the tools given if you can) But he is so good at it, each time he has to go he ventures off to the bathroom, no longer using the little potty but uses the "potty seats" that fit on top of the toilet to go poop and to pee lifts the seat and stands high on his tippy toes ( so cute) just like daddy. (He thinks this is VERY exciting). He likes to be alone to go but tells you if he needs to go and asks for help getting his underwear off. He comes out with a big goofy smile on his face so proud of himself! He has even gone for car rides and long bike rides without any accidents in his new big kid underwear!! We have been putting him in pull ups on nap but has been waking dry and asks to pee upon waking!! Nights he is still waking up wet but I think that will take time and I think that's ok, it is 12 hours, i even have to go pee in the middle of the night. lol. So there you have it!! my little guy is getting so big. I am ready and I think I can get everyone else on board too. no diapers...  Wow it is strange to think he might be done diapers.. what an exciting new season for us and him! We are so proud of you Jack!

photo credit: photosbytrayc

The Grande Entrance of Little Miss...

You randomly hear about these labour stories that you think there is no possible way that it happened that way. You know the ones, silent labours, or completely pain free, i once heard one that the mama laughed the whole way through. Well this is my story, not pain free but nearly,  absolutely unbelievable, focused, drug free, peaceful, easy and fast. I bless everyone to have labours like this. Thank you father for your amazing grace.

 When having Jack my goal was to gave a drug free birth, I prayed for an easy labour. I have to say though not 'easy, it was manageable and easier than I thought it was going to be. i just kept thinking about leading up to it was all these women they show on tv screaming their way through labour, screaming at their husbands cursing their name and I didn't want that, I wanted it to be a peaceful enviroment, giving it the best chance and most natural way possible on its way out. I began to speak to my body, pray over it, for it to open up, be at rest and work with labour.  For God to show the way to the baby on how to get out, to prepare my heart and mind and enter into God's presence during contractions and for the strength to get through it. My pain thresh hold sucks but what I wanted for my kids was stronger than anything you could ever throw at me. Be at rest body and mind, for the Lord He is GOOD! and you know we got it. it was a positive experience, it was filled with his presence and it was doable. Read more here to read about Jack's birth!

I must admit, Jack's labour had been so good that I was afraid this time. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, I was afraid that it would be terrible, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to manage it. I took practice contractions in false labour as they came and found that I had lost my strength to push through them. I whimpered through painful ones forgot to breathe, to rest, to look to Jesus. I felt like I was giving up before I was even starting. How on earth am I going to get through the real thing again? i thought. I let the enemy plant a seed of fear and it began to grow. Funny how you can let that take over so quickly. I asked God to talk to me to help me and when I recognized it was fear and wrote my last post. Get strong Heather. He has created us to be conquerors! He created my body to do this. I began to rest, began to worship, and read, get back in the head space of labour, and psych myself up for the big psychological game my body and mind would soon be playing with me.

After a couple weeks of labour psyche outs feeling frustrated, because its hard that I had to think of jack each time and making arrangements for him each time my body started into labour runs.. I prayed, father, I'm not convinced by the contractions, something has to really stand out for me to go to the hospital. Have my waterbreak or something so I know when its actually time..  I remember praying the same thing with Jack and I got exactly what I needed to know when it was time. I find that if I Pray specifically when he answers you know for sure that it was Him.  There was a bit of stress for me this time round, because when it's just you it doesn't matter when you go into labour, but when you already have a kid/kids you have to plan for them too, and you can't plan when you are going to have a baby so knowing who is around and who is on call and distances of where they are and how long it takes for them to get to you all comes into play.  Luke's parents, our closest easiest back ups and they had been away in Sweeden, everyone else from me was at least 20 minutes or more away from me, if this was going to be a fast labour as my midwives predicted, I could be really screwed just on waiting for a sitter so I was feeling stressed. I also wanted it to be a smooth transition for him to, the most natural way that he didn't feel left somewhere or shipped off while mom and dad disappeared.. I prayed for it all to be orchestrated perfectly....

I write this out almost minute for minute b/c it is quite unbelievable. Also some smart guy who designed a labour room with a large digital panel clock directly in front of a birthing bed is a total idiot

Sunday June 3, 2012: The day after the Sinnott's arrived back home from Sweeden I woke up at 5 am, a wicked hard contraction came on  OWWW.... S.O.B. -  I have to pee. these had been happening frequently in the night and just attributed to a full bladder so I went to pee and back to bed. 5:30, the same thing, went pee, i had relief no issue, 6 , 6:30 all the same thing. I wake up.. 4 contractions.  i think big deal. 1/2 hour apart, if this is it I have time. I woke up for the day and started about, I was unusually awake this am as I had been normally taking advantage of weekends where I could sleep. I washed my face and did my hair cute in a messy pony tail, brushed my teeth and thought if this is it, I am putting on waterproof mascara this time! (last time i have huge racoon eyes in all the pics from pushing, sweating all of the above through labour with regular mascara on -  LOL) I randomly picked up things to complete my labour bag. With no evidence and not convinced but something in me felt it maybe time i was caught in thought when Luke came upstairs, it was about 7 ish and had just had another contraction, I said to Luke, "I think I might be in labour." he was excited wanting to track contractions, I said to wait, "there's no point in tracking them now, their so far apart, wait till they get closer. " I continued on went downstairs and sat down on the couch. (7:30 ish)  POP ....   that was weird.. my brain started to run through info  I had read a few days earlier, "some women feel a pop, then a gush of water" but there was no water.. ow ow... weird. body is peaceful..then ow ow. what on earth.? i wait to feel for contractions and continue thinking..

15/ish min later i finally speak up.. 

Me: Luke... I think my water just broke. (i stand up. but nothing.. no gush, no flow, nothing really abnormal)
Luke: are you getting contractions?
Me: yah but they are all over the place
Luke: maybe its nothing then.
Me: well i know what  i'm feeling and i'm not going to ignore it, even if it's not right. (why are pregnant women so bitchy? sorry babe!)  ow ow. what the heck? I gotta pee. (I go to the bathroom)
Luke: see you just had to pee.
Me: I'm not peeing.... call the midwife right now.   (BAAAHAHAH to me this is funny)

8 ish: Luke pages the midwife, she calls back talks to me asks me whats going on, I tell her and add its weird though contractions are very random, and I don't know for sure if it has broken or what but that was weird. Her responce: DO NOT WAIT, GET TO THE HoSPITAL NOW.  I tell her that i don't even really have contractions though she repeats it again. now.. i think that's when you listen.

by now it is about 8:15 Luke kicks it into gear, calls the sinnott's who have been home for all of 13 hours, dresses jack, get the bag, loads the car, he is moving at lighting speed. I am gathering things, called my mom to tell her what was going on,  not stressing too much but moving, my mind feels unclear, with random contraction here or there, i am still wondering if my water did break (it didn't till the end with jack) but preparing to go to the hospital quickly.. 8:30 ish Jeremy gets there picks up Jack, we wave goodbye he is excited to play with Grandma and Grandpa. We get in the car to drive. i turn on the worship music, and WOAH, STOP. breathe breathe breathe, ok. GO. (where did that come from?!) As we drive the 15 minute car ride to the hospital, i close my eyes and breathe, the ride becomes a blur one contraction after the next, each intense, fast, close to each other a series of breathing luke coaching me, calming me, the worship music surrounding the car, a whirlwind of what doesn't even feel real happening all in one moment. i catch myself in a thought, where did all of these contractions come from? why are they so close? close like the end and it is just the beginning!! fear comes in and i get scared, how bad is this going to be!!??? but as fast as it enters, it gets kicked out, no time to think about it b/c breathe breathe breathe breathe. my body relaxes into it's trained calm state without any thought or effort thank you Jesus. Luke talks me through racing to the hospital, he is calm, he is peaceful, he is encouraging. 8:40 ish we arrive at the hospital, contractions in the parking lot, the hallway, the elevator, the registration lobby, in the 5 minutes that it takes to get upstairs i have already had 5. 8:45 ish I go to my room where the midwife has already checked me in, she says hello, i faintly smile, hand signal a wave and get on my hands and knees on the floor and flop my arms over the bed. contractions over and over and over.


9:00
midwife: When you have a break, We need to check you..
me: ok hold on, breathe breathe breath.... ok hold on again breathe breathe breath..... ok wait once more, breathe breathe breath.... oh yah you need to check me, ok go now before another one comes breathe breathe breathe (all of those breathing pauses contractions, seconds apart. I climb up on the bed)
she checks, you are 8 cm the other midwife laughs out loud, she can't believe it. and says, ha! its like you think she's done it before!
me: ok, (i can't even think to care. just breathe breathe breathe (I'm in the Zone baby!)

time goes by in a blur, luke is cheering me one, rubbing my back, encouraging me, talking me through each one, what feels like a few short minutes on my hands and knees i feel i have to push,

the midwife checks me again, my mom walks in which she says is around 9:20 as the midwife is checking me you are 10 cm, when you feel that bearing down again you can push if you like.  I don't quite feel the urge yet so I wait for it. 9:30ish This part on time is a bit of a blur but my mom has a picture of me at with baby in belly. The next picture is me with a baby! The midwife charted 7 minutes of pushing and baby was here,quite amazing and very different from the 1.5 hours i did with Jack.. I remember a lot from pushing, though difficult at first again to quite get it, in finding where to push, it was all of a sudden like it was the only time in slow motion. and then I suddenly understood it. The feelings, the effort, the thoughts, the shape of the baby's body and  head feeling and the changes in shape of the head, the neck, everything coming down and coming out. I felt aware, in tune, in control of what was happening. God timed it perfectly for me too, he timed the peak moment of the whole experience, with the biggest build up to the prophetic song playing in the background Let it rain by Jesus Culture. "LET IT RAIIIIIN, LET IT RAAIIIIIN, OPEN THE FLOOD GATES OF HEAVEN, LEET IT RAAAAIIIIIIIN, LET IT RAAAAIIN" things happening quickly around me, that same whirlwind as in the car, taking in an overwhelming amount of information in milliseconds, lost in that moment, and pushing through the pain... then it all stops.... just complete peace surrounds me.  I hear..

9:37am

midwife: Heather reach down, come get your baby.

I open my eyes  in surprise and look down, reach down and I grab it around it around its chest under the arms as it is coming out and pull my baby onto my chest my baby.... Oh . my . goodness. I think that was the most special moment ever. totally unexpected, totally by surprise, aah-mazing. 

45 minutes....
 
seriously. in the hospital for 45 min. i would say count the driving time of when labour really started - an hour of real labour and if you want to get technical under 2 hours from the time my water broke unaware that anything was going on. that is rediculous. hands down, this is how labour should be.  every time. period. peaceful, fast, easy. maybe this is how it was really designed, how he planned it, to be a beautiful quiet moment of entry in this world surrounded by His presence and love.

to end this wonderful story, you may all remember that we had no idea the gender of this little one. Something that killed me the entire time I was pregnant,  I would have found out but with Luke really wanting it to be a surprise i gave it a go. The 9 months was full of emotional ups and downs, breakdowns, anxiety, acceptance. My goodness, what a horrible ride. But I see looking back it was something that God needed me to do, to talk to me about, to work through some things, expose areas of my heart, deal with judgements, ungodly beliefs, things he wanted to deal with waay down deep  in my heart that were planted a long time ago that deeply impacted me and couldn't be fixed without this 9 months of the unknown. Here after such an emotionally dramatic pregnancy obsessed with the wonder of boy or girl, this perfect little genderless being is laying on my chest, I think to check but I stop myself and realize boy or girl, I don't care, I love YOU, I love you, I love you, I love you.

my mom: So what is this little baby? Noone has said yet?
[i snap out of my dreamy state, i just assumed it was a boy, they had been saying HE the whole time through labour 'SPOILER ALERT']
midwife: well sh... You know Daddy, why don't you check out what you have there?
Luke lifts a leg, both of us expecting to see a penis (from my angle I can't see anything but we were totally convinced we would have a boy) it takes him a second and in disbelief and a big smile on his face says  "its a girl"
me: A GIRL!!!!???  (I PRETTY MUCH SCREAM)
I look at him, we kiss and we have matching goofy smiles on our faces, A GIRL!

best. surprise. of. my. life.

9:37 am A wonderful, perfect little girl is born into our lives, to bring us and teach us about Joy.

Makayla: meaning: Who is like God. (kind and compassionate, my little lamb but fierce like a lion)
Elyse: meaning: God's Promise, Consecrated by God, God is my vow.

Labour Wisdom

the big event is coming up, 15 days and counting!!! and since my body seems to be doing its' thing baby is strategically planning it's exit inside of there I seem keep ending up with hours on end of practice labour how quickly my mind remembered some very familiar feelings i seem to have blocked out of the labour process. So i asked for labour wisdom, tips, all the best rolled into one and one of my friends said to me to re read what i recently wrote her when she was asking for labour tips. So I share. to pass along, to remind myself, to prepare for the up coming event...  the key words I pass as wisdom are

1. Educate yourself!!! I cannot stress this enough, educate yourself, read, absorb, everything you can, educate, educate, educate. Understand labour, the stages, the patterns during contractions and stages of labour, the way your body works, how long different stages often take (for instance, did you know that transition - the end - the hardest part - only takes up to 45 min and this is when a lot of people crash and choose epidural, but your almost done!! and it gets easier after transition, contractions back off, and change patterns ready for pushing. And trust me after all that labouring, pushing feels like a relief!) EDUCATE YOURSELF!! so that you can know how to work with it and not against it.
2.  invite the holy spirit into your labour and labour room - the presence of God was so thick in our room over the entire evening and every contraction it was amazing. 
3.  on every contraction zone out and get into that place of worship, that unbelievable peaceful rest. Each contraction I would go to that place of rest, zone right out of reality and rest in that secret place almost like soaking,. breathing and unaware of what was happening in the natural realm (sounds kinda weird but totally the place to be).
4. never let your brain understand the pain you are in in each contraction, it is mind over matter, getting through labour is the art of distraction, distract your mind from your pain receptors. for me it was a focusing on hand motions, and luke drawing on my arms.
5. focus on breathing, opening up and going completely floppy and relaxed . In pain we naturally tighten up b/c it hurts, train your brain to change its responce mechanism and turn floppy on each contraction, zone out, breath, focus on opening up, and envisioning baby coming down the canal on each contraction, this way baby comes down easier and you arent fighting with your body with what it needs to do.
6. use gravity to bring baby down so stay on your feet till the end or squatting, anything to bring that baby down on it's own and faster
7. remember every contraction is doing something. so work with your body not against it to get baby out faster and easier.
8. listen to your body, it tells you more than you know, and knowing what your body is doing and understanding it will help you get through each phase of labour and to the end.  when focused you can actually even feel the direction the baby is coming down the canal, and on each push feel it come down further and further. amazing really. 
9.  and finally pray that God shows little one the easiest way out. We would speak to Jack, listen to Papa Jack, let him show you the way down and out.
10. Your body is designed and created to do this, the enemy loooves to play with fear that it will be hard and the wost thing ever, but you need to go in with the attitude of excitement, positivity and the conqueror he has created you to be. It is doable drug free. Not enough people told me this when going in. I'd say 95% said I was nuts for wanting to do no drugs and that I wouldn't be ablt to do it. Well they are wrong, and there isn't enough people in the worl to say YOU CAN DO IT!!