Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Focus fear and Failure

motivation, focus, fear. STOP

what is wrong with this cycle.

it doesn't seem like it should be one but for me it goes round and round.

I get motivated, I paint, I research I write, I being to focus understand exactly what I want, set is all up to go for it them BAM. I Skye myself out I get scared, self conscious and I stop. It seems te next step the follows fear is a dead stop and into depression and beating myself up that i just won't be good enough. Time goes by and I get motivated again, but the whole cycle keeps going. So how do I break this? How do I move forward?

I think part of the problem is that as soon as I try something or want to try something, someone else does it before me and simultaneously and then deflated I just let it go like what's the point? I try to be strong, I try to trust that God has purpose and plans and that every door closes for a reason. But what about the ones that are wide open and i just don't have the balls to walk through myself. The ones That I let others walk through while i have been sitting on the stoop for ages.. allowing fear to keep me from taking the next step through.

I am terrified of failure. And I think I avoid opportunity that I know i will be great at b/c I'm afraid I might fail.

i can hear 'you are more than a conqueror' then reminded of a friends words ' hoods up glocks out' i must admit I had to look this up to know what it meant but it makes me smile - it is so fitting. We are more that conquers. I am ready to take it by storm. at least i want to believe I am. I want to be strong again. I'm so tired of this cycle, so tired of getting ready then backing down like a shamed dog. I'm tired of being intimidated, I'm tired of allowing others trample out my hope, my heart my visions and dreams. Each persons creativity is unique and special. God has purpose for mine. It's time i start believing that. I need to focus. remember what I want, what i love. and stop allowing myself to be stolen from. hoods up glocks out. I'm gearing up. It has been such a long season of preparation. they won't know what hit them.

1 comment:

Yana said...


you can't stop. you gotta keep moving. keep painting. keep winning and dreaming. There's a scripture verse that says 'there is nothing new under the sun' [something like that] which means that God says there is nothing that you can create that I haven't already created. So people spend their lives being motivated, inspired or outright taking others ideas and doing it themselves. That's just HOW IT IS sistah. But how YOU do it will make it unique because it's made by YOU. There is only ONE YOU.

I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, but I just wanted to encourage you. We gotta step up to the plate, pull up our hoods, guns out...WE MEAN BUSINESS. No body is gonna stop us now.

love you.