Day 8: what seemed to be a smooth easy bedtime, I was relieved, seeing as I haven't been sleeping well lately and this whole change over with earlier wake ups, painful put downs and shorter naps is really draining the only energy I have. I rest in bed and read a magazine to fall asleep and finally around 12am I can feel my body giving up so I turn off my light and close my eyes for some much needed rest. I crash in out bed but after a quick random, strange and disturbing dream I find myself wide awake. uggghhhh go to sleeep!!! finally as I'm drifting out again, i hear thump, bump bump bump. our little man made his way out of bed at 12:30am. Luke so wonderfully got up and put him back to bed. then 15 min later, thump, bump bump bump, oh jeez. are we going to finally have THAT night..? and so began the series of up and down for the next 3 hours, the 2 of of swapping together. persistence and patience. persistence and patience... finally at 3am, knowing that Luke had to get SOME sleep, I went took him back to bed one last time and decided to stay in his room in the 2nd bed on the floor b/c the problem was is that you could tell he was trying to sleep. He would go down for 15- 20 minutes then be complaining and get up crying about wanting to go night night, something was bothering him. He has cut 3 of his 2 year old molars in the last 10 days and I think he is working on the last one. i wasn't sure what was up but he wasn't being defiant, and I felt compassion, I know what a pain it is when your body thinks that the beginning of your sleep was just a nap and then you are stuck wide awake all night. So at first i tried to snuggle into the bed on the floor with him, maybe he would be able to fall asleep in my arms but he cried. "maaaammmmmyyy, i seep, niight niight (he whimpered), big bed." (what he refers to as his bed since we changed over to big boy bed). So I put him in his bed, turned on more worship music, snuggled him in with his blankee and laid down and pet his back and head for a while. I laid back down on the floor bed and began to pray over him while I laid there, over his sleep and protection over his dreams and that he just settles and rests. It stuck, it was 3:30am we had finally had our last up. That is until 6 am when poor little guy woke up in a fright crying. His sleep was disturbed all night (well all 2.5 hours past), up and down, whimpering not sleeping well, so there wasn't much sleep for him and not any for me. Wow i felt like absolute ass. It can't be time to wake up yet. Luke came to help knowing I'd been up all night with him and told me to go to our room. He took Jack and put him back to sleep and let me sleep till he was leaving for work. What a wonderful husband i have. And I turned out to be right, something was wrong with little man, he sinuses are all backed up today and had a low grade fever. poor little guy must not have been feeling great.
You know I forgot all nighters, it has been so long since Jack woke up in the night even once that I realize how much baby # 2 night feedings will wipe the floor with me at first until my body gets used to it again. Today I just couldn't get it together after that. I was a weepy mess and on my way driving in an unfamiliar area, I got pulled over by a cop as i didn't know I was driving in a 50 zone. I haven't had a ticket in nearly 10 years. I burst out crying, a total mess, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, late for my appt, upset for this ticket b/c we are totally broke, and unknown to me it was community zone which meant double the fines. He told me it was nearly a 300$ ticket and 4 points. I didn't know I was speeding, I was driving 75. I sputtered out in my tears some kind of plea of mercy, what a horrible last 12 hours it had been and I really didn't know I was speeding, I thought it was 70. He left checked my record etc and came back, and had mercy for me, he told me to try to relax, was kind and he was only giving me a min fine of 10 over, no points and a 65$ ticket (poor cop probably had no idea what to do with an emotional, exhausted, pregnant woman, full out weeping in front of his face). I thanked him for not crucifying me and drove off.
Exhaustion is an interesting thing. I have been running on empty for a while but with sleep I can balance all the business of my life, projects I have to do or commitments I have made, chasing after a busy toddler, growing a baby and somewhat manage these insane hormones that have come along with this pregnancy all with a mostly level head. but without sleep i am a blubbering mess that is instantly hopeless and drowning. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this I'm just getting it out b/c I need to get it out. All i know is I need God. In the times I feel like that, he is he only one that can make me feel better and remind me I am strong.... Something I remembered 3 hours later after bawling all day. I am Strong. even when I feel weaker than I have ever felt. there is a warrior in there.
Oh please God, help me when #2 comes.
Day 9: Naptime: I was hopeful when Jack fell asleep in the car after our dr appt.. drove home he'd been asleep for nearly 45 min, I knew I could be screwed but there was no keeping him awake any longer, he was as exhausted as me. I prayed for more grace. He transferred well and slept for an other 1h45min when we got home. enough time for me to tidy, prep dinner and rest.
Day 9: Bedtime: he goes down with ease and has been sleeping for almost 1 h. Please God have mercy on us. Let him sleep through the night and wake up at 8 am.