Living with Hands wide open.

Trust...
 
I live my life believing and knowing that God is in control of  it. He guides our paths, gives us direction on decisions, and Luke and I have been given good discernment for a reason.. He protects and warns us from bad decisions and when we ask for a clear answer b/c we really don't know either way He is faithful to show us. I trust Him and know that He has the ultimate plan and knows what is best for me, my husband and family, and our life.  Over the years He has proven himself over and over showing us how he orchestrates every move and decision (even when they are hard) but that that he works that all things are worked together for our good.

Trust is a funny thing. Its living open, willing, flexible, secure... We have lived with hands wide open, holding things loosely, knowing that He is in control. That He knows way more than I do, so I should probably just trust Him with what He feels is best for my life.  But Trust can be a hard place, it can feel disappointing at times, feeling like the dreams you have are not happening, or not understanding timing or why something that may seem so perfect doesn't work out. But the beauty of Trust is knowing that even though what you feel is perfect or right, God might have a different plan,  something even better in store and knowing that and really believing that even when things feel like they aren't working out that there is a design, a plan and and a purpose as to why and it is because He has a better plan than we could ever create for ourselves..

This said, right now I am trying to hold onto and remember this all.

We have a little townhouse that we are quickly busting out of at the seams in. It has been the never ending quest to find a new house. The market is so insane here, prices are through the roof and even for the tiniest detached home start at  $400,000. House hunting has been depressing, feeling like we are never going to find anything. That is until this weekend.... Where a last minute showing gave us hope. We walked in and melted. I mean I was a puddle on the floor in love with everything we have ever dreamed of in a home. Wow, THIS is God. He has finally brought us to our home. We have found it, the search is over.11 foot ceilings, gorgeous old heritage home with original old moldings and intricate door handles and air vents, locks you open with skeleton keys, a stunning cascading staircase, and original wood floors throughout, french doors, large doorways, with upgraded stunning kitchen with granite counters and stainless steel appliances, a big yard with lounging deck space, exposed inside brick  (g'aaahhhh love) a 3rd floor massive studio for art and photography, lots of space, just about 2300 sq feet of perfection.  BUT it was a semi and had no garage, we were ok with that. We had never even considered a semi. As we walked through the room we fell more and more in love every room more perfect than the next. As we sat in the living room, we felt peace, we felt home. Finally this is it. Exactly what God intended for us all along. We loved it so much we came back with my inlaws for a 2nd look in the afternoon. We knew, we decided, we are making an offer. When leaving we sat in the car and prayed over the house, "father, we love this house, it is perfect for us, if this is you, let this all come together easily and fall into place."

We had a couple months back found a home we loved and tried and tried to buy  but it was so much stress and so hard, and such a fight that we knew it wasn't suppose to be this hard, That it wasn't our home. We hoped this time things would be different, and sure enough within the next hour things started to fall into place, the financing approval, the down payment, possible renters for our current place (we wanted to keep both of our homes and rent out our current one), things just felt right.  We informed our agent that we wanted to put an offer in. So he came to the house put everything together ready to go but  they weren't receiving offers until Monday at 7pm so we registered the offer but wouldn't go into negotiations until Monday.  I prayed again. "if its ours, let us get it. " (and I think a little consciously, without saying felt if its ours let no other offers come in)  Sunday came and I left Luke at home to study and went to church with Jack. I asked Jeremy my father in law what he thought of the house, he said that he had mixed feelings. I was confused by this b/c we had felt nothing but positive. He said "the inside feels just right, totally perfect but the area, the street, what it backs onto doesn't feel quite right..... But that's just my opinion.."  I wanted to see what he meant, see that,  b/c maybe I was missing something. So when I got home, I picked up Luke and we went for a drive. There were a couple of quirky things like there is a parks in rec center at the end of the street, and a couple of tiny homes but nothing that would cause me to not buy the house. We decided to look up and down the streets and to see the surrounding neighborhood all beautiful homes and mature trees, just stunning... until we came across a funny little street behind it. As we drove onto what did not seem like a street but muddy grass, there are 5 dumpy houses and no driveways, just cars parked on the grass, a broken chain link fence and greeted by 3 sharp faces that looked like homeless, crack addicts and their pit bull tied up with a yellow nylon rope. It honestly felt like we were driving into the slums, I have never in my life felt like that or seen that, especially anywhere near my home. wow. something changed. I suddenly wasn't sure. We talked about it and both had mixed feelings.  We called the police, did some research and found out that there was nothing really wrong with the street, not a higher crime rate or anything just a poor street amongst moderate to wealthy homes. The police said "that's just what you get in the downtown of a city, a mix of everything.." we went home thinking, praying, trying to get an answer. We saw what they were seeing, but thought if our children aren't in danger and it is just poor amongst a  good area i think we are OK with that, its no worse that where we live now (as there is some gov housing close to us, but no problems).. We decided continued forward still feeling this is our home. We prayed specifically, "God if this is not our home, show us a clear NO, and stop this all before it starts."  All night I was up, dreaming, envisioning our life there, our new home. We have a really great agent, and we knew that he would get us this house. We woke up the next day and found out there was another offer and that we would be a bidding war. We felt confident in our agent, knowing he would get us this place and that everything has worked so smoothly God had to be all over this. if it is ours, we will get it.  The day went on and I kept thinking about the house, the area, the street behind it, asking questions, finding out as much info as I can. Luke and I still talking, praying asking God to give us a real straight answer. At about 3pm Luke emailed me to inform me of some interesting possible changes happening that would effect our entire life as we know it.. (Without getting into it,) creating a great risk and uncertainty to our future, that could lead to it being a very stupid decision to purchase a house when we have no clue what is about to happen in our life..  Luke felt torn, stressed unsure what to do but it was so clear to me, this is our No. We have prayed for a very clear answer and this is it. Timing in an amazing thing and with timing like that You can't not listen.. After giving it more thought and prayer, Luke also having a hard time coming to that, knew it was right. wow. our home.... our perfect, beautiful, what we thought was right, what we thought was ours, what we thought was God  home...  is not our home.. HIS timing is perfect, and we have to trust Him with that. We were told what we were told to stop us from making a wrong decision. I don't know why this place was so perfect, or why we felt so much peace or why things all lined up so perfectly for it not to be ours. Maybe it was to show us something, to show us our heart of what we really love, desire and where we are ok to compromise (like it being a semi). Maybe it is a test to see if we are listening to even warning signs. Does he have to shout NOOOOO in your face in an audible voice or is He  subtly showing you and you have the decision to choose to or choose not to see.

Letting go.... This is hard for us to let go. not just for us and this house, but  I think for all of us.  Let going of your dreams that you think are right for you, or what you think they look like. I believe God places desires in our hearts but sometimes his vision of it is much different than ours.  I think His version of our His vision often isn't what we think, and  can look like something we didn't expect. But you know what? His way is even better in the end. He not only wants to meet our needs and give us our hearts desire but he wants to surprise us with  the largest and even the smallest things that make it even better.  I remember when we found our townhouse, we went through something similar to this, even purchasing another house, and it falling apart, we were crushed. When we were fed up and not looking anymore our current home came as a surprise. We loved everything about it, it actually was perfect for us in every way at the time.  We bought in the winter we moved in the spring, excited and full of Joy we moved in on the weekend that the Sand-cherry tree in backyard was in full blossom and  gorgeous french lilacs  bloomed and filled our house with their beautiful aroma (we had no idea they were even in the back yard and for anyone that knows these 2 they don't have long bloom periods, or even blooming periods that happen at the same time of year). He had orchestrated them to happen at the same time, that very weekend to speak to my heart.  I had never told anyone that these were my 2 favourite, that I would love these in my garden, that they make me smile, that their scent fills my heart but God knew and wanted to show me that he was listening and that he knows me more than anyone, and that this was all part of His plan. He not only wanted to give what we want, need, love, but surprise me and remind me how special I am to Him.

I am reminded of a song i cannot get enough of right now, it sits with me downloading into my heart.
Love came down, by Brian Johnson

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me

Staying desperate for You God
Staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
All my days
I am Yours

I am Yours, I'm Yours forever

It somehow gives me peace and comfort, like a big warm hug surrounding you. knowing I am His, he is watching out for me, protecting me, guiding my paths. His timing and plan and purpose and design are perfect the way He has designed them. He has my perfect house, he has it all worked out, and is taking care of us. We can't rush his timing and His plan for us is better than I could ever create for myself. I just have to trust..